Getting married soon; how to tell parents not to text me as much?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

When I read the title I thought you might be a little rude not to want your parents texting, but then you explained that they are asking about picking things up at the grocery store? Ok, now I understand!! I’d go with what “thegridmonster” said, wait until after the wedding and tell them that you love them but you’re busy.

Post # 17
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

ladyvk :  You must be fun at parties…

 

Ignore the negativity. Your’e just trying to figure out how to separate yourself a bit once you move out and get married, which is perfectly normal. I would wait and see how often they text after you move. I personally find it a bit sweet, but I can see how it would feel overbearing. Especially since you live with them and see them all the time. Perhaps you could just gently tell them you will be taking a bit of a break from your phone after you get married, so you won’t be responding to texts as much as you used to. Encourage them to make a phone call if something important comes up. They will likely be very understanding. 

Post # 18
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

Oh everyone loves those people who think they can be as offensive as they like and hide behind “it’s my opinion and i’m entitled to it”

Post # 19
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

 I don’t know that the texting is a problem (though you may want to encourage your parents to text invidually instead of the whole family if it’s not relevant to everyone), but the expectation of an immediate response could be. While you’re still leaving at home, you may want to gradually extend the time between their texts and your response to get them accustomed to not hearing back immediately. (And don’t apologize for not replying immediately!)

Post # 20
Member
6303 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

LadyBear :  +1.

OP: the texts themselves mag or may not be overbearing/too much; my opinion would probably hinge on how they act otherwise eg if they are very demanding or overbearing in general. But the insistence that you reply immediately is ridiculous.

I second spacing out replies more, and definitely don’t apologise. Reply when you can, or when you want to and don’t feel obligated to respond immediately.

Then see how it goes when you move out, however, given your sister is included I would expect more of the same. In that case I would probably remove myself from the chat by telling them that bow you are no longer living with them you don’t need to know what they’re getting at the store/what time they’ll be home and that if they want to contact you they can obviously just message you separately.

I just say I don’t really ‘get’ family group chats, I am very close to my family and loved with them until a year ago but we never felt the need for this. Group chats in general irriate me unless they are necessary eg arranging an event and getting everyone’s availability as quickly as possible.

Post # 21
Member
1911 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Just take your time in responding to these texts. Then, if someone texts about your lack of a quick response or calls because of it, you just respond with, “Oh, sorry Fiance and I were busy with such and such. I was planning on responding later.” They’ll get the idea. If you outright tell them that you’re getting marrried now and don’t want to receive so many texts from them, it definitely will be taken the wrong way and it kind of makes you sound petty, like you feel like you’ve outgrown your family. Besides, texting doens’t take any time at all. It certainly won’t prevent alone/bonding time with your future husband.

Post # 22
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Id literally give my right arm to get messages like this from my momma. 

But I get it, your young, starting a young family out on your own for the first time and you want the idea of what you think independance is. Like many have suggested, just wait and see how it goes and if it gets out of hand and you are unabe to leave the group message text then just communicate that with them as an adult. 

Post # 23
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I wouldn’t say anything until you’ve actually moved out. Who knows, maybe the texts will lessen or stop altogether. 

I’m the only child in my family who doesn’t live at home (minus the one in college during the school year, but she is home on breaks/during the summer). I routinely get texts in our family group chat that are “is anyone home” “did anyone feed the dog tonight?” “what’s for dinner?” lol. I just disregard. If you ignore the irrelevant messages, or truly are busy and don’t have time to respond, and still get annoying follow ups from mom and dad (“hello, are you there?”) THEN I would approach and let them know that you are busy, can’t always respond right away. If something is urgent they can call you. 

Post # 24
Member
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Kelsih11 :  I totally understand where you’re coming from! My mom was this way and it puts a sense of pressure and anxiety on you that you don’t always realize. I would wait until you’re married and moved out and if it happens after that, a gentle, “Mom/dad, I’m married now and my priority is my Darling Husband. I may not be able to respond to your texts right away.” Setting those boundaries before it gets too far gone is a must, especially before you have kids. I didn’t know that and my lack of boundaries snowballed and was a real challenge for me and my Fiance. 

Post # 25
Member
5126 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I agree with PPs, wait until you move out and see how it goes. If you don’t live at home, I don’t see how they can be mad that you didn’t respond to a text about what you want for dinner, but who knows?

I do think it is being a little dramatic to think that these texts are going to interfere with you being able to build a life with your new husband, obviously you can do both.

That said, when I moved out of state for college my mother started to drive me nuts with wanting to be in constant contact. This was before smart phones and texting wasn’t as big of a thing, so she would call me constantly and always wanted to know where I was going, if I got home safe, etc. If I didn’t answer, she would call a million times in a row, then start calling my friends. Eventually, I had to have a heart to heart with her and tell her that I was an adult and that I had my own life. I would keep her updated on it, but that I couldn’t be in constant contact and that if I didn’t answer, it was probably because I was busy. That, plus her getting meds for her anxiety, helped a lot. 

Post # 26
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t see what getting married or focusing on your marriage has to do with it. The issue seems to be that they don’t understand etiquette with texting and group texts, which makes sense given their age. Can’t you just ask that they separate out stuff like going to the grocery store with each other? 

I think framing it as needing to focus on FH is a bit over the top. It’s not so time intensive that you can’t respond to messages. 

Post # 27
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

You live off them until 25 get a husband and can no longer be bothered? You sound very spoiled. Just put the chat on sleep and get on with your day.

Post # 28
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you sound spoiled or like a brat at all.

The texting chain issues sounds indicative of a larger/deeper problem to me — one that I have with my own parents. That problem is unclear boundaries and there is a real term for it called “enmeshment”. Basically it’s where your parents are so involved in your life that they don’t see you / treat you as your own person. This can have a big negative effect on both you, your parents, your future husband, and your marriage and be quite painful for everyone involved to deal with.

Treat your family with respect but begin establishing your own boundaries with intention. It’s up to you to decide if a conversation is necessary or if you can just do it through action. It may happen more naturally as you become physically and financially independent or your parents might freak out emotionally and try really hard to hold on. This is common.

Who knows, I have the kind of relationship with my parents where I felt like it was necessary to say “hey mom and dad, i love you but i’ve formed this other core relationship now and you guys have to take a back seat to that in my priorities. For x, y, z reason i feel like I need to clearly establish better boundaries and for us to move into this new phase of our relationship where you are my parents but no longer parenting me. I still want to be close to you but this is better for all of us long term.” My parents said they totally understood where I was coming from, agreed, and would give me more space. Having it out in the open and verbalized has helped us all to work on changing our patterns of behavior and relating to one another.

By the way — it’s not up to others to judge what kind of relationship you would like to have with your parents. And wanting more independence is normal and healthy, not bratty or spoiled or mean. And it doesn’t mean you love them less or don’t appreciate them/all they have done for you.

Post # 29
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

OP – I agree with a lot of previous posters! Don’t let them tell you that wanting independence AS AN ADULT AND A MARRIED WOMEN makes you a bad daughter/brat/family member/etc. I’m like you – I don’t want/need my or my fiances family involved in our day to day life with CONSTANT texting/calling (we all get along and have great relationships, keep in contact, see each other weekly but it isn’t/shouldn’t be all day long) – you’re not “wrong” to feel that way also! I also agree with people who say cross that bridge when it comes. Once you’re married adn they start to see you as your own family unit they may naturally back off and respect that you and your husband aren’t going to be in constant contact with them!

Post # 30
Member
3855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Kelsih11 :  I’d just wait and see how much they text you after you move out and are married. Bringing the subject up ahead of time looks a little too eager to cease communication. At the very least, once you move out and if you find that it’s too much, just mute the conversation on your phone. That way, you aren’t getting multiple notifications and can respond when you’d like. After that, only respond when you can. Don’t put pressure on yourself to respond right away, especially if it isn’t important. After doing this a few times, they should get the hint of when to text you and what gets a response. If you feel like it’s too much, I’d just tell your parents that you won’t always be able to respond right away. 

On a side note, I don’t know how much time it takes you to read a couple of text messages that you need to ask for all communication to be cut off after you’re married. I can’t imagine receiving a couple of text messages here and there is going to make it where you can’t “focus on your marriage.” 

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