(Closed) Getting married without my best friend…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry! You need to remember that people change which changes the dynamics of friendships as well. There were people growing up that I thought I would never separate from but stuff happened, we both changed, and now I haven’t spoken to some of them in years. Just focus on the people who will be there for you!

Post # 5
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Maybe you should call her and apologize. Invite her out to brunch or lunch.

Post # 6
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m sorry you feel this way… you feel hurt, betrayed, and like the other person never cared at all… I went through a similar situation with my best friend since I was five years old, when I was 21.  I related it to a break up.  Because even though you are not romatincally invovled your relationship is now broken. It’s hard for me to think that the person I thought would be standing right beside me is now only on the “B” list of invitiations… I never would have thought that would ever be a possiblity 5 years ago!

You’ve done the right thing in trying to reach out to her, but unfortunately, if she is not responding there is nothign you can do about it.  It sounds like it is her loss more than yours b/c you seem like a really good friend.  Just like any other break up, you have to try and remember the good and realize that people change.  Try and stay positive, and really focus on the people who are there for you on your day… that’s all that matters.

Post # 8
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Firinne:  It’s hard when you’re friends with someone for so long and then you’re suddenly not friends anymore.  I had a friend since high school who I thought I would always be friends with, but I was only thinking along the lines of how much time I used to spend with this girl and how long we had been friends, not how good of a friend she had actually been in all of that time.  Oh, and she was supposed to be the maid of honor in my wedding.  It’s been very sad planning this wedding without her because I always thought that this was something we would do together (because helping plan each other’s weddings was something we talked about for YEARS) and I thought that we would have SO much fun with it, but she actually became very jealous and bitter and just plain nasty after I got engaged.  I know that part of this is because getting married is her big dream in life and I got engaged before her, so it had to be hard watching someone else get what she wanted so desperately, but still, a true friend would have been able to put aside her selfishness long enough to actually be HAPPY for her friends.  She, however, has been nothing but negative and unsupportive and has tried to stop me from getting married on more than occasion.  I wrote her a letter telling her how much her behavior was hurting me and I asked her if we could try to repair our friendship but she only came back with a nasty response, so that was it for me and I haven’t spoken to her since because you can’t keep reaching out to someone who just isn’t reaching back.  I will never speak to her again for as long as I live and she isn’t invited to the wedding.  It’s sad, but it is what it is.

At first, I thought that she had changed towards me after I got engaged, but when I really thought about it, it’s only an extension of how she’s ALWAYS been towards me.  I also know that I let her get away with far too much over the years because I felt sorry for her (for reasons I won’t get into here out of respect for the friendship we once had) and because I thought she was my friend, but friends don’t treat friends the way she used to treat me, period.   Sometimes we confuse true friendship for being someone we spend a lot of time with and have known for a long time, but sometimes those are the people who treat us the worst and they’re not true friends in ANY sense of the word. My mother-in-law summed it up best when she said, “That’s not your friend, that’s your enemy!”

My suggestion to you is for you to let this person go.  It was hard for me to do this with my so-called friend (and it still is) but it really is all for the best.  I do miss her in some ways, especially with all this wedding planning stuff that we were supposed to be doing together, but I got through the wedding planning without her and I am ultimately a lot happier without having someone in my life who used to do nothing but drag me down the way she used to.  I don’t have time anymore to waste on people who treat me badly and I hope that YOU don’t either!  Just focus on the people who truly care about you, want what’s best for you, and make you HAPPY.  It’s time and energy much better spent! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 10
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

i know how you feel ! i just got married in june although at the time i had another hundred things on my mind reading your post now makes me realize how she is missing out in so much of my life. like you; her and i have- had been friends 10 years. her mom was a single mother, with her dad never paying child support when we were growing up instead of getting money for my clothes i would give them to her and her sister to wear. i would help them pay for school lunches. her mother was also like a mother to me, called her mom, would go over to their house without her or her sister being there. we were like 4 girls, all as family. we had been through alot together. i was always the one to hold down a boyfriend, her one to sleep around so she was always jealous of my relationships. she then found someone who she was with for 2 years who beat her, but she still went back to him. things turned a little sour after her being with him, she didnt treat her family right and was never “allowed” to be with her friends. he said she couldnt hang out with me because i was a slut. at the time i was with my ex bofriend to 2 years, faithly. i then turned into someone that she use to know. things got so bad that they didnt work out. thank god ! i then start dating my husband, which she knew. her new boyfriend and my husband were friends and they are how we got to be friends again after a 2 year part. i then got engaged and she was so jealous. i was working 2 jobs and going to school and engaged. while she was just being well.. a bum. long story short my now husband use to date one of our friends sister and that was all drama. she continued to be my friend and was supposed to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and her sister a Bridesmaid or Best Man. about 6 months before the wedding she told me how she couldnt stand me and how i was a bitch and everything else in the book. havent spoke a word to her since.. i am now 22 weeks pregnant. and i havent heard a thing out of her. i talked to her mom twice since all this. but i have just learned to move on with my life. i dont need the drama. sucks that our friendship had to end the way it did but i never ever see us being friends again. sorry this turned  into a book. just wanted to let you know your not alone.

Post # 11
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Firinne:  I’m really glad that my post helped you. ๐Ÿ™‚  I only became a member of Wedding Bee recently, but I have been reading the discussion boards for months (for most of my engagement, actually) and when I was going through all of this with my ex-friend, it really helped me to see how many other girls here were going through similar situations.  Like you, I was really glad to know that I wasn’t the only one so I wanted to pay the favor forward to someone else. ๐Ÿ™‚  As it turns out, situations like this occur far more frequently than I thought.  Of course I still wish that I had a best friend for a maid of honor who would actually be supportive of me and help out with the wedding, but I’ve slowly come to accept the fact that I don’t.  I didn’t really have anyone to help me with this wedding and it was lonely at times, but I still got through the planning, and so will you. ๐Ÿ™‚  It can only get better!

Post # 12
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Firinne:  I also wanted to clarify that I had problems with my ex-friend before I got engaged, but I had been letting her get away with things for years.  Her nastiness during my engagement just made me realize how bad she had been treating me all along.  Sometimes we put up with too much from people because we’ve known them for a long time and we don’t always realize how bad they’re treating us because we’ve grown used to their treatment.  She went to extremes during my engagement, but that’s what got me thinking about how she’s been treating me all along, and the more I thought about it, the more I remembered things in our friendship that just weren’t right.  When I finally opened my eyes and realized that she hadn’t been treating me right for a very long time, I decided that enough was enough and cut ties with her.

Post # 14
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

oh sweetie… im on a similar situation… i had this friend (lets call her Rita) that i loved so much we were “bff” (or that’s what i thought) everyone thought we were insepparable too…

But we had an issue, a big one… which was mostly my fault… but she never mentioned that i hurt her feelings or how she felt so i was oblivious, suddenly another friend (karla) confronts me about it saying that Rita felt awful and that a bunch of stuff…

it really took me by surprise because she told me otherwise.

Ria was always like “if someone makes me feel bad im gonna tell them right away to back off, im such an awesome bitch!” so it surprised me she didnt say anything to me. Karla said “well, as her friend,  you should have known she doesnt really mean it! she’s really noble”

i felt terrible and apologized to Rita… she didnt take any of the blame for not telling me how she felt and just said “well… it will be hard for me to trust you again” i was ok with that… but for personal matters i couldnt contect her to go out for 2 weeks, she didnt reach to me and she erased me as her “sister” from FB. I know it’s dumb, but that hurt is that AGAIN she did it without telling me anything… it wasnt the act that hurt, but what it symbolized.

I stopped talking to her and i realized how i had to beg her from 4pm to 7 pm to go out, just so she could say “ok, i’ll pick you up at 9” and then pick me up at 10:30 when i had to be back home at midnight (that was when i live with my conservative parents). I realized how she only wanted to go out with me when she needed something, and if we did something i wanted and she didnt, she would always say “remember that time we saw the movie YOU wanted?” just to get it her way.

How she didnt invite me to this “doctor’s ball” when her other friends invited their friends that werent studying medicine and a lot of stuff.

And how Rita, as my friend… SHOULD HAVE KNOWN that im freaking oblivious of EVERYTHING! darn, i was the f*ckbuddy of an ex for 10 months hoping he would ask me to be his girlfriend again AND SHE KNEW IT.

Despise all this… i missed/miss her and the past new years eve, i wrote her a mail telling her that if she wanted someone to talk to, she could always find me. Just for her to reply: “In this time i havent seen you, i met new people (drunktards) and now i have a new vision of the world (get wasted every weekend), so no, i wont talk to you again :)”

And STILL i sometimes find my self daydreaming of her being my bridesmaid and being with me in my big day…

So i know how you feel, i know it’s hard but try to remember why that friendship fell apart, she wouldn’t stand up for you.

Sorry for the long post lol.

Post # 15
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Have you watched the movie Bride Wars… I cried. I balled and balled like a baby. My best friend, call her M and I grew up together. We were like u and your friend, inseparable. We grew up vacationing together, etc. Well, college came and she moved to school while I stayed home for community college for one year. Sophomore year rolled around and her and I moved in with two of her dorm sweet mates. Which was cool cuz I liked the girls. Her and I both were going to school for teaching. Half way through the year, she decided she was “too smart” to teach and was wasting her intelligence on becoming a teacher so she change her major to nursing. I tried for so long to keep my mouth shut but it turned into her constant boasting about how smart she is and how hard nursing school was compared to the petty EDU courses. It really got to me, her family, who basically raised me, we’re even saying how she was too smart for teaching. Well, with me going into teaching, I not only thought her constant pride and comments about being better than me were rude but, I felt like all of a sudden she was too good for me. I was used to her talking down to me and always being right in all conversations. I have a few friends like that so I can deal with that but I cannot deal with her treating me like she is smarter or better than me bc I’m “just a teacher”. Anyway.. So the following year we moved out and with each passing year more and more resentment came with her comments and how she treated me. Not to mention she became closer with her roommates than me bc I pulled away bc of the hurt she caused with her constant belittling of my career choice. Well, then her and I got into another HUGE fight, she screwed me out of a lot of money, etc. we didn’t talk for about a year. I kept trying to reach out to her while she was telling everyone that it was her reaching out to me and I was ignoring her. Month afree month it was more hurt….

Jump to now.. I am about to get engaged and I am sad bc I always envisioned her standing next to me. However, that’s clearly not how she saw it bc she met a guy, got pregnant a month later, had a very small wedding which I wasn’t invited to, and then when the baby was born, Ilever got a call to even go to the hospital. She is supposed to get marrie next summer, so am I…do I ask her to be a maid and put all the hurt aside? I mean… She clearly doesn’t want me to be by her side… So should I? We now talk every now and then, I recently went to see her baby… 

Its just all hard bc it’s not what I thought it would be. I don’t think I will ask her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor,maybe only a maid, out of respect of our life time of friendship. It just stinks bc I love her but sadly, I don’t think we can get past all the hurt (its all too much to explain on here). So I l ow how youre feeling and I am truely sorry, keep your head up girl!

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