(Closed) Getting married young and quickly, trying to get family on board!

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You have to do what you feel is right, I’m 20 and getting married as well, I have been with my fiance for 7 years, we’ve already lived together for 3 years. My best advice is how important it is to not rush into anything because you feel pressured. When you become married, especially because you haven’t lived together, the whole game changes. Believe me when I say you never really know someone until you live with them. If you love him, you have all the time in the world to figure out what your life with him can be. Your friends will fall into support if they know this is what you want, and it’s what will really make you happy. Be patient with your friends, because they are trying to navigate their feelings about you being married, they just want whats best for you. Things will fall together 🙂

Post # 4
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It going to be impossible to explain it to anyone who doesnt already agree with your motives and make them agree. Everyone is looking out for your out of love and doesn’t want you to risk getting very hurt by an impulsive decision. Those thoughts are never going to leave your family members, or most people who are not in your situation.

There are other bees on here who have experience with the (Mormon?) faith; they might be able to advise you better.

Post # 5
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

“I don’t know how to explain to her that this is what I need to do!”

My only question is: Why do you feel like you NEED to get married to him? Is it because of family/religious pressure, or because you can’t imagine your life without him by your side and don’t want to wait to start your life together?

I do not know what religious background you come from, but I understand those pressures. Almost everyone in the last three generations of my family have gotten married before or right after turning 20. Not because of pressure, but because of love and an understanding that life is more meaningful and beautiful when you can share the ebbs and flows with another person. The marriages in my family have been permanent and while not perfect, have remained strong and full of passion. Marrying before 20 isn’t a death wish.

If you love the man you are with and are ready to be attached to him for life, share his joys, encourage him in failure, forgive his shortcomings, and love every piece of him, marry him with confidence. If you are not sure that you can, and especially if you are not sure that he can do those same things for you, give it more time.

Don’t marry because your family is pushing you to, and certainly don’t not marry because your friends don’t want you to. Do what you want to, and what will make you happy.

Post # 7
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@ellilauren:  I’m going to take a wild guess due to your city location and comments about the culture of your religion that you are Mormon?  If that is the case, then I understand why you say people generally get married young…but that’s not a valid reason to get married. 

Get married because you feel it is the right thing to do.  I’ve heard success stories about people getting married young and quick, and also horror stories (my sister sadly being one of those).  Ultimately it’s going to be different for every couple, but getting married young and quick because you feel pressured to do so is not right at all.

There’s probably nothing you can say to calm the concerns of those who are doubting how quickly you are moving.  They probably won’t stop worrying until they see a successful marriage that has lasted through the trials of life…many years down the road.

I will say that I am Mormon and didn’t get married until I was almost 28.  There was no way I was going to get married young just because that’s what every other young Mormon gal out there was doing.  I’m glad I waited for the right guy to come along and get married at the right time.

 

Post # 8
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You are very young, and the fact that the number of exclamation points in your post equals the number of months you’ve known your boyfriend doesn’t exactly inspire confidence that you’re approaching this decision in a mature, careful, rational manner. Statistically speaking, people who marry young and before/without a college degree are at much higher risk for divorce. Which is not to say that you aren’t doing the right thing, just that nothing you can say or do is likely to change anyone’s mind. Most of the skeptics will probably remain unconvinced until you’ve got five years of happy, stable marriage under your belt. I would.

Post # 9
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

You are young and in love. If you want your family on board, you could slow down a little. If you know he is the right person, waiting for another 7 months will not make a difference to you love birds. Your family/friends, on the other hand, will appreciate the time to adjust and absorb the news.

My story didn’t have a happy ending but I did get my family on board when we postponed the wedding a bit. It gave them the time to see how serious we were. I got married at 18 and got divorced at 30. I wish I knew him much better before we committed to each other. He did not turn out to be the person he was posing to be. The pastor had to convince me to end the poisonous union because he was so worried about me. I never thought divorce was an option.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m all for growing together, as long as you still intend to do the growing part of that.  Will getting married so young detract from you fulfilling the dreams you had for your own life?  Will you still go to college or pursue whatever career you always dreamt about?  Will you still hold off on having children until you’ve done enough work on yourself and lived a little?  Will you still get to travel/ pursue your passions/ meet new people?  It doesn’t have to be the case, but I think some of these things get harder once you pile on responsibilities and settle down. 

Then again, if I came from a religion that didn’t allow me to have sex before marriage, I guess I would be more anxious to get that show on the road.  But I hope you’re not just getting married for that reason, and that your religion is not forcing you into a situation that might not make you happy.   Getting married too young makes a LOT of people unhappy.  Not everyone, obviously, but enough that you need to be careful.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you need to do what feels right to you. You also need to do it for all the right reasons. Understand that marriage is an oath under God, it is the highest of relationships. Marriage is a very sacred and it’s forever. It’s not just a fun wedding with pretty dresses and smiling people. Your age should have nothing to do with your choice.  I am 20 getting married to my fiance who is 30, we got engaged after 3 months of knowing each other and are married next month after 10 months. My family is fully supportive and my friends took some time, but I never tried to convince them because I don’t need to convince anyone (or myself) that what I’m doing is right. Yeah not all 20 year olds are ready to get married because they don’t fully understand what marriage is, you just need to know that. I advise you to turn away from the computer screen and really reflect on this with God (you say you’re religious) listen to what your heart has to say. Don’t listen to what people on weddingbee or your friends and family have to say because at the end of the day it’s you who is getting married.

Post # 12
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

I’m a little confused about some of the issues you mentioned in your post. You said that in your religious culture it’s the norm to get married young, but then you go on to say your family isn’t on board with it. I would assume your family is of the same religion that you are…am I wrong?

Post # 14
Member
13 posts
Newbee

@ellilauren:  Woah girl…first of all BREATH and RELAX!! You sound WAY too intense at this point. I dont know your exact situation, circumstances or religion, but what I can honestly tell you is to just go a pace or two slower. You are so rushed to get engaged, to get married and to get all your family members on board, that you’ve most likely not sat alone quitely thinking about what it means…

You’re still very young (and Im NOT judging or belittling you) but a person grows SO much between 19-23 years for example, I know because I saw the drastic change I went through as an individual between the ages of 19-24. He may be absolutely everything you want in a guy, but just make sure that you rushing into this marriage wouldnt maybe cause some dissapointment later on in your life…

Religion and family members should NEVER ever ever be a reason to rush into marriage. And this is coming from me, a very religious girl who firmly stands on my religious values.

Just take some time…Think it through alone, take some time off to just think about ALL that will change, happen if and when you rush into marriage. But goodluck though*

Post # 15
Member
4961 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Miss_smiles: but a person grows SO much between 19-23 years for example, I know because I saw the drastic change I went through as an individual between the ages of 19-24. He may be absolutely everything you want in a guy, but just make sure that you rushing into this marriage wouldnt maybe cause some dissapointment later on in your life…

 

This.

I know people who marry young and it worked for them. But it’s tough. It’s tough even for people who are a bit older and have lived on their own, started careers, experienced life and know who they are as an adult. I look back at who I was dating at age 18 and 20 and can’t even begin to imagine having been married to them now (though at the time, I thought that’s what I wanted).

Just don’t let anyone pressure you. In the end, you have to do what you feel is right.

 

 

Post # 16
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My feelings on this are: if you NEEDto justify/ explain to people why your getting married, Mabey it’s not the right time for you to get married.  ”

Im a younger bride, (22) but I don’t feel the need to justify my relationship/ engagement to anyone. For the most part no one has questioned it; and those that have have gotten a polite, ” thank you, but this is what we are doing “

Just in your post, you SOUND really young.  And this statement worries me ” I won’t Feel complete with out being his wife”. Your personhood should never ever be contingent on another person.  Your partner shouldn’t COMPLETE you, they should COMPLEMENT you, kinda like how iron and carbon can stand alone, but when together they create steel. 

Also just as another thought, of you are 1000 percent sure you will marry this guy, what is the harm in waiting a year or two?  

 

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