(Closed) Getting Married Young/Bucket List

posted 7 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 17
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I like this article much better. And, a lot of things on her list of things to do with a husband can totally be done as a single person with loving friends or a loving boyfriend. 

I do agree the back and forth is ridiculous… but it’s nice to know that intelligent people step in with big enough balls to call out the stupid people on their bullshit.

Post # 18
Member
2676 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@Christy42213  haha. I’m impressed! I love nutella, but just thinking about eating an entire jar gives me a stomacwe ache!

 

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@Christy42213  yes, the part about pet adoption really annoyed me too! If married people were the only ones who adopted animals, there would be a whole lot more homeless pets. I volunteered a lot with animal rescue groups in the past and can say for sure that marital status is in no way an indicator of whether or not someone will be a responsible pet parent!

Post # 19
Member
5373 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@Lana_Rose  +1!!!

Post # 20
Member
1656 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have a few single friends who have been posting the ’23 before 23′ article today and, while I understand the idea/message she is trying to promote in sharing her list of ideas and actually agree with that concept, I find her delivery AND the actual list very poor. It is possible to be against marrying young without comdemning those who decide to and, while she may have poor examples of young married folks as reference, I don’t think it is fair to group everyone into the same category as those people – we ALL know those couples, married or not, right?

 

I got married at 22 have done most everything on that list as a married individual over the last 2.5 years. Some of them are things that I have not been able to do and cannot wait to do – like update my passport and jet-set on outta here (and with my hubby!) – but have never had the financial means to do. I know there are kinds of ways to travel on a dime, yadda yadda, but they’ve never been ideas that have suited my personality and the way I desire to travel one day (like well-planned trips involving cozy, safe hotels rather than backpacking with only four changes of clothes — but that’s just me and my personal preference!). There are some things on her list that are actually pretty lame – like baking a cake. Pretty sure I’ve been doing that since, well, FOREVER. I also have absolutely ZERO desire to eat an entire jar of Nutella – that actually sounds pretty gross. Or hangout nude in front of a window, but that’s something I never would’ve done as a single person either. That being said, we can easily pick apart all of these lists that OTHER PEOPLE have compiled because it’s highly unlikely that they will share our own “bucket list.” Because of that, I kind of prefer this person’s response (http://thoughtcatalog.com/andrea-wurzburger/2014/01/i-dont-care-if-you-get-engaged-before-you-turn-23/) because it acknowledge’s the fact that we shouldn’t judge other people’s lists, actions, opinions, etc. as they are just that – OTHER PEOPLE’s, not our own.

 

While I’ll admit that there have been some things I have potentially “missed out” on having married my husband at such a young age, they’re mostly things that I’m pretty happy about missing out on and I certainly wouldn’t take my life choices back because of it. I was lucky enough to find my “person” at such a young age and we’ve been growing together ever since. We’re finally at the point where we can start knocking off some of our bigger “bucket list” items – like traveling – AND we get to do it together, which is even more amazing.

 

I have nothing against people who think it wiser to wait until later on in life to get married or people get married much earlier than others. We can make poor decisions and excellent decisions at any stage of life, but I do agree that it helps to have yourself figured out before you are attempt to/are able to manage a meaningful marriage that merges your “self” with someone else’s “self,” because marriage brings on it’s own separate challenges and I think it helps to know as much about yourself as possible before you enter those challenges with another person. Sometimes you don’t know yourself as well as you thought. Sometimes you grow into an even better person. The fact of the matter is that no one should be judging anyone else’s life decisions because it isn’t their life and they don’t necessarily know the reasons behind the choices.

 

EDIT: Yes, I realize that certain parts of my spiel contradict one another, but I hope that my overall view point of non-judging came through because I’m too lazy to go back and re-word things properly haha!

Post # 22
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@fancymichelle  18 year olds aren’t capable of seeing around corners and deciding they’re ready to marry and have children. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that enables you to gauge cause and effect, is typically not fully formed until age 25. That is probably why the divorce rate is double for couples who marry young. Add children to the mix and that can be a real catastrophe. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but they haven’t stacked the deck in their favor.

 

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@fancymichelle  Many of the people I know who married young married for that very reason, or there was an unexpected pregnancy. 

Post # 23
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@kes18  +1. 

 

While I think it’s a good idea to ‘find yourself’ before settling down both lists are kind of ridiculous IMO. I’ve never had a desire to date two people at once JUST to see it blow up in my face. 

Post # 24
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@BrideToBe14  she didn’t tear apart the first list, she playfully/sarcastically responded to it. and had the original author not downgraded young brides, she wouldn’t have needed to reply.

also, the second author pretty much sums it up as everyone has their own timeline so let them be. maybe you should read them again…….

Post # 25
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@Jessica_Rabbit  while i don’t know many 18 year olds ready for marriage, neurologists don’t actually know when it’s fully developed, they’re guessing about 25, and they don’t know to what extent a brain is developed at let’s say, 23 instead of 25. my prefrontal is feeling pretty ripe

 

to say someone needed to wait until their prefrontal cortex was fully formed is ludicrous lol the average age to marry 100 years ago was much younger, while the divorce rate is much higher

Post # 26
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

Undecided I think both writers have good points but also that both are pretty immature. My guess is that both have been hurt/offended by how others remark on their chosen lifestyle and come at the situation from a defensive position.

People should be happy with their own choices and not live vicariously through others/push their opinions on them. If they don’t understand the way someone chooses to live, they should ask them to explain it, not condemn them with snark. Instead of waging war on ‘marrieds’ or ‘singles’ it’d be more enlightening to approach everyone as Ann individual, with kindness and a willingness to listen instead of preach. 

Post # 27
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

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@southsun  That’s the kind of response I like to see!

I read the thoughtcatalog article only a few minutes ago and liked its message. Granted the “I don’t care” bit can come off harshly to the sensitive, it’s an idea we should all keep in mind. Just to live our own lives in whatever way makes us happiest!

As for prefrontals, the 23-25 dealio is an average. There are fast developers and slow ones, which plays into the “it’s the mindset” idea.

I like you guys. I am enjoying intelligent conversation about the topic. 😉

Post # 28
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@ceemarie7  Oh my gosh. I got the general point of the first article (the 23 before 23), but that girl sounded like the most insecure, judgmental, condescending little brat.

I think people should get married when they are ready, no matter the age. If that age is 25, or 55, cool. And I think that while life can be very vibrant and full when married, obviously marriage does tie your hands as far as what you can run off and do to some degree, so I think single people should take full advantage of that extra freedom for as long as they have it.

But the author of that article, holy crap.

If she were actually at all content with her life, she wouldn’t need to talk about and revel in the idea of her “friends” getting fat, and being eternally boring, and miserable.  She wouldn’t need to talk about how clearly the only possible reason anyone would get married before 23 is for a safety blanket, because they are too scared to really experience the world.

Maybe this girl truly does not want to be married right now, but she sure as hell is bitter about people who are. And some of her list is truly ridiculous. Like the two timing one? “Hurt and screw over other people. Possibly make someone totally give up on love. That’s a really good thing to do.” I’m sorry, but recommending you do anything damaging to others is sick. And no, I don’t think her list was as tongue-in-cheek as some people are trying to say it could have been. It fits right in with the rest of her judgmental article too well.

I liked the second way better.  Yes, it is snarky. It was a snarky article directly responding to an out and out bitchy article that directly attacked the lifestyle of the author of the second one. I think some snark iis to be expected.

What I liked about the second article, most especially, was this:

Whatever you decide to do- marry young, marry later, marry late, or never marry- just make sure it’s right for you.”

Given that the first article was supposed to be about being your own person, following your path, doing what you want, it sure was telling people exactly what the nature of that path ought to be. And considering that getting married apparently immediately makes you dull, judgmental, fat, and unhappy, a married person sure did seem to be promoting actually doing what you want, instead of some little girl’s view of what everyone “should” want.

Post # 29
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Both articles made me roll my eyes. Live and let live, people. 

Post # 30
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Someone on my news feed posted the first article on facebook earlier- I don’t know why I even read it, I knew it was going to piss me off, and it did. 

I think finding yourself is incredibly important, but it’s always going to be an ongoing process. It should be part of your relationship- growing together and individually. That’s how it is in mine. You’re not going to find yourself just by running around acting like a vapid moron cause “whoooooo I’m 23 look at meeeee!!!!”. You can still travel and explore new things when you’re in a relationship (shocker) and not everyone can go to China before they’re 23 because most people can’t afford that! (another shocker) Also, cheating on people, bothering strangers, and watching crappy TV shows about other vapid morons are not really things that I think I ever need to do to become more whole and alive as a person. It’s really pathetic that she feels the need to bash people who marry young just to feel better about yourself. If you want to explore the world alone for a while before getting in a relationship, that is absolutely a fantastic idea. But this article is just rude and shows a complete lack of perspective. I hope she finds it out there.

Post # 31
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@Jessica_Rabbit  Ok, I’m not trying to lay into you specifically here but I’m really tired of seeing this prefrontal cortex statistic posted here to discourage marrying young. It’s not like people under 25 are unable to think & plan ahead. If you’re 23 and it’s done at 25… you’re still most of the way done. It’s not some qualitative change that happens, like I’ll turn 25 and suddenly be able to make the right decisions. That’s stupid. People under 25 are expected to make all kind of decisions about their futures- what school to go to, what career to pursue, etc… are we supposed to just wait till after 25 to make any of those decisions?

This is not the reason that more young people get divorced. Social reasons are much, much more influential than small differences in brain developement.

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