Post # 1
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
Well, last night my close friend texted me from vacation to tell me she just got engaged to her BF of 5 years. Initially, it made me feel so happy! I was smiling and texting her back how we have to celebrate once she gets back ect…..
Not even 10 minutes later did the bitterness start to set it. While I am still so happy for her, I feel so angry towards my bf. i got home from work that night in a majorly nasty mood. He asked how my day was and I said it sucked; that I found out my friend was engaged and how I will have to hear about it for the next year and a half or so every single day and how that is far from what I need right now. He immediately knew it had to do with us not being engaged. He came over to me smiling and told me to stop acting crazy but I just walked away. I have been avoiding talking to him since and he is just leaving me alone b/c he avoids me when I get this way. I do feel crazy getting so angry, but the idea of me being with him for 7 years (since I was 17) and we just moved in together- the only answer ive gotten from him about when we are getting engaged is “We have to live together because I have to make sure you will be able to handle it.” This is because I get into these crazy moods sometims (LIKE NOW) because I feel so bitter that we aren’t engaged yet, especially when my friend who doesn’t even live with her BF and has been with him for less time just got engaged! We just moved in together 2 weeks ago.
I don’t know how to calm myself down. My BF obviously made it a point that he has to see that I am mature enough and that I don’t get into these crazy emotional moods before we get engaged because he thinks we may not be able to live together if I keep getting pissed off, depressed, bitter etc. It is a vicous cycle! He wont propose until I calm down about the whole engagement thing, and I wont calm down about the whole engagement thing until he proposes! Now it’s going to be 1,000x harder because my friend just got engaged and that is all I will be hearing about for the next god knows how long (until she gets married!)
Any advice on what I can do? I don’t want to feel this way towards him because I love him more than anything, it’s just so depressing to see everyone else getting engaged and we aren’t yet. It makes me feel like he doesn’t love me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me and when I tell him that he just tells me I am crazy and that he has told me 100 times we are going to get married and that me acting this way will not make it happen any faster.
Post # 3
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
@Stranger516: There is nothing you can do but sit tight and put a smile on.
You’re right, it is a vicious cycle in that your BF probably will not propose if you show how impatient and “angry” you are about it. So you have to push the bitter feelings aside and just be happy for your friend. Do not talk negatively about it in front of your bf. If you need to vent about it, do it here.
I understand you’re frustrated. Just hang tight. He will propose when he’s ready.
Post # 4
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I understand why you’re feeling bitter, but I’d STRONGLY recommend living together for at least a few months before getting engaged anyway.
Post # 5
Member
4097 posts
Honey bee
@Stranger516: What exactly is your rush? It’s actually a really good idea to live together first. When I first moved in with my husband (then boyfriend) we had been together for 10 years and even after that long it was a shell shocking experience. We fought almost every day. It really takes some time getting used to. I questioned whether it was worth staying together more than once. Only after living with each other for several months did we learn how to settle in and get used to one another’s quirks.
Give it some time. You don’t need to race to the altar.
Post # 6
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
@CarterLove:
@prahajess:
@Aquaria:
Thanks for your resposes everyone. I really appreciate it!
Post # 7
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
@Stranger516: Hang in there! I was with my Fiance for almost 8 years before he proposed im not assamed to say that I have had my fair share of melt downs. and were living together for 3years. I still want to kill him somtimes living with your SO is hard but worth it. Have you gotten into the Shut-it-up pack? It helped me!
Post # 8
Member
2409 posts
Buzzing bee
@Stranger516: When I was in a similar situation, I read this incredible book, Choice Theory, which really helped. I’m not the author or anything 🙂
It’s worth checking out from the library in case it helps. Good luck!
Post # 9
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee
@Stranger516: you’re on “trial” 7 years later. He is still deciding whether he will keep you (permanently) or not. He makes the rules and you follow them or you remain single that is the message. You will hang in there as you have for the last 7! years and he knows it. Hon, a man should want to marry you.
Wonder what your dad and mom say about all this…
Post # 10
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
It’s perfectly fine to be bitter, that happens! But definitely try to keep your emotions in check. Listen; if there is a condition to him wanting to marry you, then you need to sit down and have a talk with him. Assuming you don’t change, or you do try but obviously we are all human and make mistakes, will he hold that against you? Call off the engagement, even marriage, later on? He needs to love you for you NOW.
The flip side is, do you feel that your emotions are a un-called for sometimes? If you love him and want to be with him forever, do you want to really try and control your temper, knowing that it will affect the person you live with everyday? I think both of you have some soul searching to do, but once you get through this, then nothing can stand in your way and a proposal would be a natural progression. Good luck!
Post # 12
Member
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
I disagree with you being “on trial” seven years later. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who couldn’t control their emotions, regardless of how long we were together. He’s living with you now. Before, crazy emotions could be detached by simply leaving. It isn’t that easy now. You need to learn to control your emotions, and he needs to learn if he can deal with them.
You really need to learn to control yourself. It’s perfectly fine to be upset, and bitter, and sad, and whatever other emotion you want to feel, but there is a time, a place and a length to every emotion. It needs a valid reason. You need to handle it and control it like an adult.
Post # 13
Member
8600 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@gemgirl6: I agree!
I am really troubled by this part of your post
@Stranger516:
“We have to live together because I have to make sure you will be able to handle it.”
“My BF obviously made it a point that he has to see that I am mature enough and that I don’t get into these crazy emotional moods before we get engaged because he thinks we may not be able to live together if I keep getting pissed off, depressed, bitter etc”
So you moved in so he could decide about you? No one deserves to live on trial. Either he’s committed to making it work living together or hes not. These things dont just magically work out. Its not like some roll of the dice to see if youll work together or not. Its “lets figure this out together” not… “well see how it goes”
The latter attitude is VERY problematic.
Post # 14
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
@Stranger516: I know how you feel. I had somewhat of an outburst of my own last night after learning 2 friends got engaged and I still feel like an ass about it because of how well my SO handled it. Waiting freaking sucks and comparing your relationships to others who are engaged adds fuel to the fire. I think the best thing you can do is sit down with your BF and have an honest conversation about what you both want out of the relationship and what exact “conditions” he’s looking for before he proposes. “Less” emotional outbursts can be interpreted differently by you and your SO. Yes, a man should want to marry you, but nobody’s perfect and relationships are made of compromises. You knowing exactly what he wants you to do in the relationship and him knowing how much you want to marry him for who he is, not just for how long you’ve been together, will help your relationship move forward. In my experience, after you lay everything out on the table and get on the same page with your BF it becomes much easier to control your emotions. Men don’t usually interpret passive-aggressive comments well and will likely chalk your emotions up to “pissed off” rather than “hurt”. A timeline talk would probably help your situation! Good luck!
Post # 15
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee
@Hyperventilate: no question she’s “on trial” and he’s deciding whether or not he wants to marry her. He has said as much to her…
I do agree that ones emotions (or at least ones actions) need to be controlled . OP has not been specific about what exactly she does that he is worried about. If he expected her to show no emotion when her friend got engaged while she is still waiting for him 7 years later to want to marry her –then that is unrealistic on his part…Maybe he needs to learn how to handle others’ emotions..
Of course there are always 3 sides to every story (his, hers, and reality)
Post # 16
Member
8600 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
so he gives her terms and conditions and if she meets them she gets a ring? I just dont like the line of thinking, the dangling of the carrot as a reward for your good behavior. Either he loves you for who you are and he proposes, or he doesnt and you all move on. Not being youself shouldnt be a condition of a proposal.
Dont bend over backwards to please him so he’ll propose. He should love you for who you are.
