Post # 17
@gemgirl6: We’ll agree to disagree. Even if he knows he wants to marry her, there’s no excuse for outlandish emotional behavior. Like I said, he could walk away from it before. He can’t now, since they’re living together. I wouldn’t want to marry somebody if they couldn’t control themselves or how they dealt with emotion.
It’s one thing to show no emotion.
It’s enother to ragestomp through the house because someone else’s happiness doesn’t coexist with hers. OP even admits she needs to calm down, and since the post is vague and nonspecific, we have no idea how she was acting. Her SO did tell her to “stop acting crazy” so that’s a clue right there.
I really don’t think it’s unrealistic, cruel or carrot dangling to expect someone to learn how to handle emotions and situations they don’t like as a mature adult. And, I don’t think it’s unrealistic, cruel or carrot dangling for the other person to not want to have a significant other that acts this way.
Post # 18
@MrsBuesleBee: I agree with you to an extent, but I also think how someone acts when they are in a bad mood doesn’t dictate who they are as a person. IMO there’s a difference between loving someone for who they are and having expectations for how you will be treated in a relationship/marriage.
It sounds like OP wants to keep her moods in check herself, which is understandable because who likes being in a bad mood? As for the terms/conditions, I don’t know if I would be able to live with someone that was constantly pissed off or depressed (unless it was a medical issue) no matter how much I loved them. Also, I’m not saying OP is constantly upset, I just wanted to elaborate to get my point of view across.
Post # 19
As a VERY emotional person myself, I think the OP probably should check how she reacts in these situations. Letting out or blowing up on someone without giving them any consideration isn’t a great way to react to how you’re feeling. Emotional maturity is key in a successful marriage. So OP’s SO is probably right to want to make sure they both have that before marriage.
Which I say because the SO doesn’t sound like the picture of emotional maturity himself. Telling someone to stop acting so crazy isn’t the best or most productive form of communication. It shows a lack of validation for the other persons feelings and willingness to offer immediate compassion. A better response to the situation would be, ‘man, I’m sorry you’re feeling like that. Its probably not easy. But maybe we should talk about how we can work through this.’
Validating that its fair for someone to feel doesn’t mean you support any harmful or negative feelings, but it does show you want to understand them better and work to find a solution. Which is a big part of marriage, finding solutions, compassion, support and working for that with your spouse. Or so I hear since I’m a fellow non-married person. XD
@Stranger516: it is very hard to watch those closest to you take steps in life you wish you could. I think most of the waitingbees here can sympathize, as most of us are driven here after seeing everyone else have their moments and we feel frustrated/left out. My bff is getting married next spring and it was VERY hard for me to happily quietly swallow the pill of bitterness when I felt it. Her relationship also was younger timewise than me and my SO and with a man who said when he met her he was never going to get married. Imagine my surprise they would head down the aisle before me and my bf, who always said he’d love to be married and have kids etc. The less I compared our relationships though, the easier it made it and the envy is all gone. And I will soon happily stand with her on her special day! I think as you work to work out how you react to the situation, and as you and your SO maybe come to communicate about it better than you will really start to see a good improvement in how you feel. In the mean time, you have hear to vent! 🙂
Post # 20
Post # 21
To clarify the way I act towards him in my “crazy” moods:
Usually it is after I find out someone else I know is engaged or one of his or my family members/friends asks “so when are you getting married”….
I get in a horrible mood, I am nasty to him, ignore him, fight with him over the smallest things. Before we lived together it would escalate and I would just leave his house and not talk to him for a few days. Now that we live together there is not much avoiding him if I am upset with him. He usually tells me I am selfish after everything he does for me. I usually get over it on my own and eventually apologize for ignoring him and being nasty to him. This happens often, at least once a month b/c it is inevitable not to hear about someones engagement, wedding plans etc and it just reminds me constantly that we are not engaged nor do I have any idea when we will be, IF we even are going to be.
Post # 22
@Stranger516: Being “nasty”, rude? name calling? Does this go on for other things or just this one issue?
What do your parents/family/friends say about how long its been/moving in etc?
Post # 23
@Stranger516: I avoid my SO for a few days too when he makes me mad, but I don’t think that approach is working or even fair/right. I have decided to tell him how I feel and keep it moving WITHOUT ignoring him for days. My SO told me he was really hurt by it and it made him question my love for him…..
Post # 24
@gemgirl6: By nasty I mean I basicaly respond in a nasty way to anything he says even if it is something as simple as him asking how my day was. Ex: If he asks what is for dinner I tell him to make his own dinner. I do not call him names. He usually deals with me by avoiding me when I am like this. There is 100% no communication because he “refuses to discuss the same thing with me over and over and over…”
We have gotten into little arguments about other things (non-wedding/engagement related) and it is not nearly as bad as how I get when it is related.
My best friend and my mother say the same thing: What is the hurry, you are so young, you just moved into a house together, you are living together for the first time.
I tell my mom constantly about my frustrations with not being engaged and she basically in a nice way tells me to stfu already and just be happy and grateful for what he does for me and for him supporting me etc.
Post # 25
@Stranger516: I don’t know the whole story of course but from what little you did confess to….Honestly would you be in a rush to marry you (with the way you treat him) if you were in his place?
Personally, I did some self reflection and realized that I could do some improving with how I treat my SO
Post # 26
I just told him that I have been feeling more bitter and upset ever since my friend got engaged a few days ago, and how I will be 25 at the end of the year and how I feel like by then he will still be “testing” whether or not I am worth it to him.
His response: “Babe, we’re going to get married. Stop it already.”
That is as much as he says…..
Post # 28
@keebee: yeah I see what you mean..
Post # 29
@Stranger516: words are cheap, “babe we’re going to get married” however he is unwilling to put any actions to that by getting engaged! or even telling you an actual time frame of when that is possible. That speaks volumes!–after 7 years. I read some of your old posts-he is already almost 26 graduated with a great job and a while ago bought a house by himself.
Everything is clearly on his terms. eff that
I suspect he matters more to you than vice versa, if you walked away he wouldn’t follow…
Post # 30
My advice is to see if he will give you a timeline when it comes to waiting. If you can know upfront that it will be X number of months/years/whatever until you get engaged, then you can relax a bit and be more of your “normal” self as opposed to being so emotional. If you continue to be emotional/upset, then you are likely to break up b/c he won’t want to live with that, know what I mean? And I say this in kindness b/c I was in a similar situation…
My DH and I had been dating for 7 years prior to getting engaged. It was a LDR, so we never lived together (although we spent weekends together). By the 5th, 6th, years, I started to go “crazy” myself. I acted childish, insecure, and emotional b/c I was sick of waiting for a proposal. It got to the point where we did break up for a few months. Our otherwise great relationship got ruined b/c I was acting this way and he was not liking it. On the flipside, I didn’t like that he was non-committal. It was a cycle that we couldn’t get out of.
Finally, we got back together and were engaged 9 months later. I think what made it finally click was 1. No seeing of one another or any communication. We were able to really see how much we loved/appreciated each other. 2. When we did get back together I set my own timeline on when I’d walk if he didn’t propose. With that timeline in mind, I was able to act like a normal person during our relationship (although I wasn’t perfect!).
Good luck. I know this is frustrating and difficult!
Post # 31
I understand that waiting is difficult, but its not nice to be called “crazy”. That is a dismissal of your feelings.
The decision to get married is something that happens between two people, and the frustration that you are feeling might come partly from the fact that you feel he is not understanding your point of view.
And about being “mature enough not to get into crazy emotional moods”? Its okay to be emotional, crazy, want to throw things, etc. Humans have feelings and thats okay. You shouldn’t have to hide what you are feeling to prove anything to the man you love. Its perfectly okay to feel a little “crazy” sometimes, but if he is telling you that you are crazy and refusing to talk to you about WHY you are feeling that way, then that’s not fair.
I have had some very emotional waiting days. Sometimes I am able to talk with my friends and family (I have some married friends who went through the difficult waiting period as well!), but other days it is too much, and I need to talk to my SO about how I am feeling. Try not to make it about him and what he may be doing “wrong”, try to frame it in a “I am feeling x and I think it is because of y – can you help me through this?” sort of way.
You have a right to feel things! I would agree with @missoptimism, it is important to be “kept in the loop” with his thinking – and timelines help. Its okay that he wants to surprise you with a proposal, but you shouldn’t have to “earn” it by not speaking up and letting him know how you feel.
Good luck with everything! big hug!