(Closed) Getting more and more bitter about waiting……

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
2070 posts
Buzzing bee

@Stranger516:  I’m sorry have to do this, but I agree with 

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@keebee…if I were your boyfriend I do not think I would be in a hurry to marry you with the type of behavior you described, even though I don’t know all the details.

I understand what it’s like to be an emotional person, but I think there’s a big difference between allowing yourself to express your negative emotions and taking your negative emotions out on your significant other. The latter is not okay. It is not a mature way to handle emotions, and your boyfriend is rightly concerned about this type of behavior.

Post # 33
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee

Have you considered some counseling for you on how to handle your emotions in a more positive and assertive way? Don’t see it as you are doing it for him. In the end, it is something you will benefit from. With or without him. I know that right now the engagement is probably the one or the thing that is causing the most tention between you and your SO. But that is just the beginning. If you cannot handle your emotions about this issue and feel is best to avoid him and he does the same can you imagine what will happen with bigger issues when you are married? Financial issues, relocation issues, kids, houses… You name it. Big stressful points and an engagement is just the beginning. 

 

Maybe if you get some tools on how to handle your emotions better and be more assertive two things might happen. You become a much happier woman (which will be great for you) and he decides to propose or you simply gain a different perspective of your relationship, yourself and life and decide enough is enough and Walk out.

 

 

 

Post # 34
Member
528 posts
Busy bee

Maybe I’m in the minority, but I always felt the engagement IS the trial period. It’s the part in marriage where you both have made the transition that you will be wed, are thinking of tge other in terms of being your spouse, but either of you can still walk away from. If it’s not the trial, what the hell is it? A giant time suck so you can plan a party? How trivializing.

@Stranger516:  Your man sounds like a dismissive shmuck. He doesn’t discuss your marital concerns. He doesn’t support or comfort you in the issue, he chooses to dismiss you rather that talking about what is distressing you, and after 7 years, he won’t do anything but stall. Honestly, if he was the right husband for you, he should be fucking jumping at the gate to move to that step in your life. Not “meh, we’ll see.” 

You can do better.

Post # 35
Member
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

He actually told you to stop acting crazy? Wow, what a jerk.

Post # 36
Member
1781 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I wouldn’t marry someone that couldn’t control their emotions either. Obviously, there is a time and place to be emotionally overwrought, like a death in the family. But getting that way because someone got engaged before you? Absolutely not.  Flipping out on him for minor things and not speaking to him for days? That’s not ok. If my fiance had pulled that crap, I’d have changed the locks and thrown his stuff on the curb. I don’t tolerate that behavior, and quite frankly, I’m shocked that your SO tolerates it. I think you’ll find that as you mature and learn to act in an appropriate way when you’re upset, you’ll get better results.

Post # 37
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

@gemgirl6:  

you’re on “trial” 7 years later. He is still deciding whether he will keep you (permanently) or not.

+1

OP, I once read a saying that went something like: “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man.”

We all have our faults.

The wrong guy uses them as ammunition against you.

The right guy wants to be with you in spite of your faults.

I’m not necessarily saying your guy is the wrong guy. But my advice would be to call his bluff and let him know that after seven years, you’re done waiting for a proposal. He’s acting like he holds all the cards because you’ve allowed it. I’m not saying this to blame you or make you feel bad. Wait until you’ve calmed down and then have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him that you love him and want more than nothing to spend your life with him, but you can’t keep waiting like this and you have to start taking control of your life. So you just moved in two weeks ago? Big deal. I would make plans to move out. If he changes his mind and decides he’s suddenly ready to propose, you can evaluate what you want to do at that point…. but I wouldn’t count on it. 

Seven years is more than enough time for any man to be ready to propose, if he really means business. 

This is a relationship, not an audition. 

Post # 39
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

So you’ve been angry and bitter since you’ve moved in together?  No wonder he hasn’t proposed yet.  He says it’ll happen; trust him and calm down.  Look at it from his point of view: you’re living with him in a house HE bought and he’s supporting you financially but he gets treated poorly and ignored for days when someone gets engaged (he can’t control that!!).  You’re showing him a pretty selfish side of yourself.  Your friends tell you amazing news and you react by getting pissy at your boyfriend.  Why would he find that behaviour attractive or mature?  Why would he want to spend the rest of his life being treated badly whenever something wonderful happens to your friend rather than you?

Look, I know how hard waiting is.  I went through a terrible waiting time with an ex.  I didn’t act as bad as you do but I was definitely jealous when someone we knew would get engaged and he would know it.  My case is slightly different though; he ended up cheating on me and leaving me.  I can’t help but wonder sometimes if I drove him to it with my obsessing about getting engaged and getting upset by other people’s happiness.  I specificly remember him telling me one time when I was ranting about how “this couple hasn’t been dating as long as us, and they’re only getting married because she’s pregnant!” and he flat out told me that my attitude was not attractive to him at all.

Sorry, this got a lot longer than I meant it to.  I agree with someone above who mentioned maybe talking to him.  Get a concrete time line (after 6 months or so of living together you ought to know if you’re compatible or not) and then if he doesn’t follow it you can start going “crazy” again or break up, whatever.  But do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and chill.

Post # 40
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee

@Stranger516:  Hi Stranger,

I haven’t responded yet on your post but I’ll offer up my story/advice.

My situation:  SO is the same as yours–Wants to finish school, then get a good job, house, and THEN we will get married, kids etc.  We have not dated as long as you but we did meet later in life (27), and we have been dating 3.5 years.  SO was supposed to finish his PhD Dec of 2012, and then every single semester after that and we *think* it’s going to be April of 2014 but I would not be surprised at all if it was not as that is how things go for his research.

I was bitter and angry about a year ago when I first came to this site.  SO talked about marriage a lot, we’ve decided we wanted to be together–and once it became clear that he wasn’t going to graduate in Dec of 2012, and that there was no ‘real’ graduation date…coupled with the ‘idea’ of not being married or even engaged by 30, I lost my shit, I had a hard time coming to terms with my expectations vs. my reality.

How can you feel less bitter and angry when you see others getting married?!?

1)  Stop comparing yourself and your relationship to others (easier said than done, I know, but if you guy is the right one for you, it’ll happen when the time is right).

2)  Meditate as much as possible.  Get some books on it, learn how to focus on NOTHING at all.

3)  Focus on yourself and realize that you can ONLY control you.  You can go back to school yourself, take some self development classes, go shopping, focus on making more friends and building stronger relationships.  You cannot control when your SO will want to get married–but you CAN control every other part of your life.

4)  Try keeping a gratitude journal.  I found that once I started focusing on what I do have (great guy, wonderful life we share together), I focused less on what I didn’t have.

Hope theese ideas helped.  Hang in there!

Post # 41
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Stranger516:  Seriously, your posts SCREAM “WE NEED A TIMELINE!” 2 weeks after a move you probably have more stress than normal just due to getting used to sharing space, putting all your crap away, and creating a new routine. Added stress is probably intensifying your bittness about not being engaged. It sounds like your guy is pretty laid back and will probably take quite a few weeks, maybe even months to settle into this “step” and start thinking about buying a ring and proposing. PLEASE TALK TO HIM ABOUT A TIMELINE FOR GETTING ENGAGED/MARRIED! He may want a year of living together before taking the next step, whereas you obviously feel that you accomplished this step and need to move onto the next one ASAP. If you’re antsy after 2 weeks, it’s only going to get worse as time goes on if you don’t know where his head is at. 

Post # 43
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Stranger516:  Please don’t let your jealousy get in the way. I knew a girl who was so jealous of her best friend and it really upset her and almost ruined all the excitement. I would love to relive my wedding day over 1,000 times! I’m sure if you be patient your time will come 🙂

Post # 45
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Powel Crosley Estate, Sarasota, FL

I was completely in the same boat as you – and adding to it, I’m older than you are (just turned 30!) and my friends are past their weddings and are now having babies!

We dated for 8 LONG years, and lived together for about 6 of those.

He just proposed this past July – so we’ve only been engaged for about 6 months.

I’m not going to lie – it was very difficult watching everyone else getting engaged and married. BUT – what saved my sanity was knowing that once everyone else was over and done with their weddings – I would have my special time all to myself.

My best advise is to learn a thing or two about wedding planning from your friends while they’re doing theirs. Focus on yourself, your career, your relationship – and enjoy it for what it is NOW.

You only date for so long, and you will have the rest of your lives together to “be married”. In the meantime, life will go on. Waiting will make your special moment that much sweeter 🙂

Best of luck, honey. Remember it’s all about your perspective.

 

Post # 46
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

First, you are NOT crazy. Second, I dislike when men use the word “crazy” in relation to a woman being emotional. Every single time a man has called me or some female that I know crazy, we were spot on correct!

Sometimes I get upset and I do not even know why at first! I have to think over the issue. In your situation, we know exactly why you are pissed and so does he. He has not given you a time frame, and it sounds like he does not really discuss marriage or specific future plans. 

He sounds controlling to me. He should love you and marry you flaws and all! If he were to propose, your so called crazy behavior would stop; all the crazy trains I have ever seen don’t stop so easily. You should not have to change who you are to become a fiance! I am sorry, but seven years is a long time. That is the better part of a decade. He has an invalid excuse to hold off from proposing. At least if he said he needed more time I could accept that a bit. He is making it seem like you are the problem, and I don’t buy it. 

So is this how it will always be? When you want to plan the wedding is he going to pick the date and the dress, regardless of how you feel, too? Is he going to tell you that you can’t handle kids when the time comes? He says that he doesn’t want to discuss things over and again, yet he is shocked when you pull away because you are angry and can’t discuss the issue because to him it is too repetitive?! 

At some point, you have to come up with a walk date. Have a plan in place of when you will pack your stuff and leave not only the house but the relationship. You will have to tell him this timeframe, and do what you said you would when the time comes. He needs to know that you are not playing around with him. If you leave it up to him, not only will he not propose, he will ensure that you won’t even bring up marriage anymore, which is most likely what he wants.

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