(Closed) Getting no support from family – need help! (Trying not to cry @ work)

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@sonotabridezilla:  I just want to let you know that I totally understand exactly how you feel.  Planning a wedding is beyond stressful.  I am a firm believer that you should do whatever YOU and FI want and desire for that big day.  I think you need to redirect your focus on what makes you happy.  Since save the dates already have gone out you really can’t change the number of people you will be invited but from here on out do whatever will make you happy.  I too have moved to a new place I don’t have anyone that I am rediculously close but it is amazing how much people love to help out.  One girlfriend is excited to dress shop or DYI projects with me for wedding related stuff.  You should try to verbalize to your friends you need help, this could be something to bring you closer together.

Its a shame your parents are being so luke warm especially now when you need the help the most since its not local for you.  I think you really need to have a one to one with your mother and let her know how much you were relying on her for that additional help so the wedding can take place in the midwest.  How much this day means to you, how much it hurts your feelings to the fact that she’s not there for these moments.  She might not know how hurt your feelings actually are, she might have assumed that you were going to get the dress without her.

I hope wedding planning becomes much more fun and totally less stressful for you.

Post # 4
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Oh wow, well, I do understand the lukewarm reaction and that’s kind of how my own mom has been.

I think @Sheryl0013: is right. Do what you want and what is going to make you happy. I’m sorry that your family is being that way and you aren’t being supported in the way that you should be. Do your best to rely on your FI and try to get some friends involved if possible. Just let them know that you need help and that you’ve been feeling like you aren’t getting support from your family.

Good luck and I hope things get better for you!

Post # 5
Member
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Maybe you should consider hiring a wedding planner?

My SIL told me once about a friend who had a very severe anxiety disorder. Rather than worry about every detail being perfect, she just hired someone to do it for her and wiped her hands of it.  She didn’t even know what the decor would be until she got there, but she was happy and stress free.

Post # 6
Member
9918 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sonotabridezilla:  We sent our save the dates and maybe three or four people said “hey, got your save the date!”  It’s like no one cares at all.  My dress came in, and I called my mom today and mentioned it, and she was like, “Oh.”  But her problem is that she is just not girly.  She doesn’t care about fashion or anything.   Then my bridesmaids don’t respond to texts or requests, or get mad when I ask them things like, “Do you like my dress?”  I found my dress alone because no one would go with me.

 

I am so worried about everything and I know I will look awful on the day of.  I wanted to get married in front of everyone so my grandfather could see me, but I’m so worried he’ll die before I get married (he’ll be 94 in April).  I don’t think my grandmother (who lives in Oregon) will be able to come because she’s been sick.  My mom’s side of the family is basically treating the wedding as their reunion, which is why I think they’re even coming.

 

So I know everyone says suck it up and no one will care about your wedding as much as you do, but it really hurts.  So I’m sorry for you, and I’m sorry for me, and if you want to complain, complain to me!  

Post # 8
Member
2378 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Don’t feel bad, I’m 31 and if my mom acted that way, I’d be heartbroken!  Take a deep breath, and focus on what you CAN control.  I know your bridesmaids aren’t in the area and have lives, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still communicate with them!  I’m in Madison, and my MOH is in Seattle, one of my bridemaids is in Baltimore, my parents are in Chicago and you get the idea – we use Pinterest and FB a TON.  That way if they’ve got an idea for me and they have a spare minute, they can post it and I can look at it when I have time. 

The other thing I would suggest is take advantage of email!  If I had to call every place that I’ve looked at, I’d have gone crazy.   I made up email templates to send to potential vendors that have name, contact info, number of guests and quote request.  I just modify it as I go.  I’ve got an email folder for the responses, and I can look them over on my schedule. 

Wedding planing is crazy stressful in the best circumstances!  If you’re anything like me, having checkoffs and organization will be a life saver.  And don’t ever let someone pressure you into decisions!  They want your business, so there is no shame in saying ‘let me think about it, I’ll call you back’. 

*by the way, I know you said you’re doing a Midwestern wedding.  If you’re having it in WI or the Chicagoland area, feel free to PM me 🙂 

Post # 9
Member
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Weddings involve a lot of expectations and definitely a lot of disappointments. It’s especially tough when we are counting on our families to be involved and excited and they let us down.

One of the things that I’ve tried to remember is that my primary goal for the wedding is to get married. As long as we end the day married, the wedding has been a success! It’s easy to get stressed out by the details, but remember they’re just that – details. You’re doing the best you can with limited help and resources, and if anyone doesn’t like it, tough shit. It’s helped me a lot to just sort of let things go. It’s okay if the flowers aren’t perfect or you didn’t pick the absolute best wedding cake you could have picked. If there are flowers and cake there, awesome. If Great Aunt Tilly doesn’t like the cake you are serving, she can stop at a bakery on her way home. 

It can also seem less overwhelming if you make your wedding planning chores into a checklist and organize them by the date they need to get done. I know I feel a lot better when I see that I have five things to do in February instead of just seeing 100 things that need to be done by June. 

That said, it definitely sucks that your family isn’t stepping up more to help you out. I’m sorry! I’m sure your wedding is going to be awesome anyway… and remember that you’ll get the satisfaction of knowing you did it all yourself. So you get all the credit! 🙂

Post # 10
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I can understand that it’s hard to feel like you are planning this wedding for your family’s sake and then to feel like they don’t care.  Just try to tell yourself that just because they don’t seem to care right now does not mean that they don’t, just it’s not their wedding and you don’t really get to see the end result of your hard work until the day of.  Honestly, it’s no one’s responsibility but you and your fiance’s to plan your wedding, and it’s unfair of your fiance to get mad that he has to help plan it! Maybe if you reduce your expectations from other people you will be less upset and disappointed.

At this point you hopefully have the major decisions taken care of so try not to let yourself get too stressed about things, make your choices based on whatever you like best, and just accept that your family will most certainly be happy for you, but you probably won’t really see this until the day of.

Post # 11
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

You and your H need to pick 3-5 things that YOU BOTH really want your wedding to be, etc.  It seems you did what is expected of you without any real foundation.  Yet I cannot even tell from your post what is it you want in your wedding (hint, don’t say for family to be happy and step up to the plate – it’s not happeneing).  What are the top priorities?  Then anytime you feel lost, revert back to those priorities. 

If you think it means something totally different in a different state – you can change things believe it or not.

I know some people believe weddings are family affairs – like the entire family pitches in, etc.  I am not of this theory.  It’s an event that the couple puts on for other people (if they want other people there).  No one will be as excited as you are about your own wedding.  If people do not flat out ask, “What can I do to help?  Give me a task!” then do not give them anything to do, especially if they did not volunteer.  It will lead to disappointment as you can see.  Modify your expectations.

My mom was so awful with the wedding stuff that I did not even tell her when I went dress shopping or when I got a dress.  She was just going to get an invitation like everyone else.  She actually said, “What is the big deal, why do I even have to go?”  She is odd about weddings.  She is odd in general.

Post # 12
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Taghkanic State Park

Okay this is going to be a long post and I might get a little sidetracked because I’m still sort of working through a lot of my own wedding stress. But hopefully you can find something in here that helps…

Although my family situation is less complicated, I definitely know how frusterating this all can be. We all do. Planning a wedding is stressful no matter how you go about it. My family is supportive, and I am grateful for that, but I’m still doing 99.9% of the work. Including planning my own bachelorette party (I hear you on that one with everyone being busy adults), it was hard enough cooordinating my BMs schedules just to get them to try on dresses.

One of the biggest stresses is our budget, our parents are helping with what they can but we both grew up in lower middle class families so the majority of the cost is on us. The hardest thing has been cutting corners, slowly shaving off all the things I had been dreaming about my wedding and watching it slowly shrink down into something I didn’t even recognize anymore. Taking all the things I wanted and getting rid of them in favor of things I can afford… and still being WAY over budget. The stress of finding vendors and just how expensive a wedding can be was absolutely suffocating, I was so upset and so stressed and I just felt overwhelmed all the time. To the point where I was almost to the verge of tears at work also.

Even though our circumstances are different, I still definitely can identify with how you’re feeling. It was just this looming dread of “It’s all too much, I should just give up…” and “How am I ever going to pull this together?” It seemed impossible, it just seemed like there was no way I would be able to do it all.

So to your question, How did I handle the stress?

It took a while but I had this sort of Zen moment and I just decided that I’m going to do my best, and it will come together. If it’s not perfect or it’s not the way I imagined it, fine. If having to scale the budget down so much that it ends up being too non-tradiational and people don’t like it or want to judge me or have a crappy time, then so be it. At the end of the day I will be married to the one person I want to marry more than anything and that will make it okay.

In my head I started to get rid of the list of “things” I used to want at my wedding (big cake, limos, catering hall, photobooth, tons of food, dj) and replaced them with “feelings” I wanted at my wedding (fun, sentimental, personal, laughter, love, family and friends). Then I put those things where I would see them whenever I got stressed:

I found six wedding pictures that captured the feeling I wanted for my wedding, including my new list, our colors, and including “nature” and “handcrafted” elements because that reflected the big changes I had to make due to our budget. And I wrote at the top in all capitals “STAY POSITIVE • REMEMBER THE FEELING YOU WANT FOR YOUR WEDDING • THINGS WILL COME TOGETHER” and along the bottom I wrote my list of feelings for the wedding.

So now whenever I feel overwhelmed I just remember: Stay positive, things will come together, whatever happens will happen, it will be fine, it’s just a wedding.

And as for my advice for you?

Aside from having a heart-to-heart with your mother and really explaining how you feel and how much it would mean to you if she would be there for you…

I think there comes a time for all of us when we have to just accept that some things suck and we have no control over it, but to move forward anyway. If you already have your deposits down that means you’ve probably found a venue and a caterer and most of the big things. So that is a good start.

But I also think you need to re-evaluate what is important to you when it comes to your wedding. If you would really rather just elope or go down to the courthouse, do it! Simplify. If that is the wedding you truly want, go for it! There are ways to make it work. Like maybe skip the ceremony and just have the “reception only” party back in your hometown? Then you can go to a courthouse near where you live and get married on your own terms but still have a chance to celebrate with your family and include everyone.

Sort of like Jim and Pam’s wedding on The Office, or Lily and Marshall’s wedding on How I Met Your Mother. You can do it the way you want to beforehand and then it won’t really matter what goes wrong the day of because you will have already had your “real” wedding on your own. It would take a lot of the pressure off of the planning and you could choose to only focus on the easier/necessary decisions and not have to put so much thought/stress into it.

Overall, I would try and:

1- Decide what the most important parts are and focus on that (feelings, not things). What about getting married makes you happy?

2- Make those parts your number one priority. Write them down so you don’t lose sight of what is important to you in all of this.

3- Just try your best and stay positive, things will come together.

Post # 13
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Honestly, your post is such a mirror to my experience right now! I feel ya! Here’s what I have done to cope..

Number One – WEDDING PLANNER! I read that you have received this advice above, and I totally agree! Sometimes I joke (but really, it’s so NOT a joke) that I have hired someone to be supportive and interested in the big day. Not to say that my friends are not interested, however like yours, they live far away/have families/ etc..

 

Two – My fiance and I have bonded together in becoming a team against the negativity/lack of interest in our wedding. At first we were agrivated with eachother (similar to your fiance!), but you can “make a game plan” with him to join forces and work together to make this special. The team approach is much more productive than letting the negativity bombard your relationship.

 

Three – Keep the end in sight. This is really your opportunity to define who you are as a bride, fiance, person, woman… How you choose “enjoy the ride” will define how you remember the whole process! Enjoy the process 🙂

Last- The mom issue. So I had the talk with my mom.. Letting her know how it feels to not have her encouragement and interest. This did not go over very well. She ignored the conversation and changed the subject (usual pattern). I left the conversation with less hope than I went in with. Basically, I wish I could have just accepted that she wouldn’t be very involved and move forward. Sometimes deciding that you can enjoy the experience despite her interest – and grieving for a bit the lack of “the ideal mother of the bride” – gives you a bit of peace.

 

Hope this helps.. It’s what has helped me so far! Still a few months to go, though. Like I said, I hope you find the opportunity to enjoy the process 🙂

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