Getting over fiancé’s sexual past HELP!!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

It’s very unfair to judge him for number of partners he’s had when you knew from the beginning of your relationship. 

Either get over it or leave him. Sex is different with everybody and emotional connection can make sex way better. Just because he’s been with others doesn’t mean he’s comparing you to them or thinking about them. You’re overthinking and being judgmental.

Post # 32
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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pagelikepaper :  You posted this same thing 3 months ago, except he was your boyfriend then, now he’s your fiancée?

He’s been with 25 women, including prostitutes. You were concerned about this 3 months ago, and nothing has changed. 

You got some great advice on that thread. Maybe you need to seek some counseling before you walk down the aisle? 

Good Luck Bee

Post # 34
Member
1984 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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angelbritney :  That makes no sense. Does your partner not get tested?  

I married someone that had a LOT of partners. I don’t care. At the end of the day, he married me. He picked me to spend the rest of his life with. He gets tested and we’re both perfectly fine. If you can’t look past what he done or who he has done in the past then you need to talk to someone. 

Post # 35
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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angelbritney :  Dormancy is about symptoms. That’s why people say to get tested even if you have no symptoms, because testing is the only way to know for sure. 

Post # 36
Member
3399 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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pagelikepaper :  “The reason why I question the ability to “connect” with a current partner is because I’ve often heard people use the tape analogy. The more people you sleep with is compared to a tape that loses its stickiness because it’s been on so many different surfaces.”

Sorry, bee, but that some brainwashing BS right there to try to scare you into chastity. Who exactly told you that? A strong religious figure, maybe? It’s not true. That’s not how sex, how bonding hormones, or how your vagina works. You don’t “lose” anything or break-down, if you will, by having sex with more people. In fact, sex might even get better for you! You learn different things from the different sexual partners and relationships you have – both about yourself and about others. And this isn’t in any way to say that you SHOULD have multiple partners – that’s your own decision – but please get this kind of crap out of your head.

Post # 37
Member
6793 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I was all set to think that your fixation on what he was doing with his body before being with you was problematic until I got to PPs comment that he was having sex with prostitutes. And I’m also wondering why the two of you are just now going to get him checked for possible sexually transmitted diseases rather than having taken care of that already?

The number of partners he’s had isn’t really relevant, imo. The TYPES of partners he’s had (prostitutes) and his behavior since (not getting tested regularly?) is. Someone having sex with sex workers doesn’t seem like a good match for a virgin who sounds judgy about numbers and sexual experience.

Also- repeating that tape analogy sounds incredibly ignorant and ill informed. I would erase that one from the lexicon.

Post # 38
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Two words- couples counseling. You need to be expressing your concerns to him directly. Not the internet. I’ve seen your other threads as well and you come off as immature and not ready for marriage. I would be trying to find a therapist ASAP if I were you. Your insecurities are going to run your relationship if you don’t seek help. 

Post # 39
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

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MrsWiggles :  Well, that’s really great for you, but everyone is different. What is good for you might be terrible for me. Everybody has their own ideas of what is acceptable for them.

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TwilightRarity :  I don’t understand why people here are ok with judging the prostitutes but not the fiance. There’s no difference, right? People are judging the prostitutes because they sleep with many people. Well then why does the fiance get a free pass unless he sleeps with prostitutes?

marlamallow :  There are sooo many studies and articles showing that STD tests are not 100% accurate and they can miss things.

Post # 40
Member
10221 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You still haven’t told me about the hookers you posted about last time we had Groundhogs Day on this subject. 

Post # 41
Member
6793 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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angelbritney :  I’m not judging prostitutes, actually. I already said that number of sexual partners means nothing to me. But I have friends who are sex workers and, based on my awareness of sex work (and associated industries like stripping and porn), I am aware that oftentimes, unfortunately, sex workers do not always have adequate or consistent access to care and protection and having sex with them can be a high risk behavior. Being sexual with people as part of one’s employment puts one at higher risk for exposure to a variety of illnesses. Prostitutes sometimes (but not always) also engage in drug use and other high risk behaviors and there can be complex reasons for a woman to end up in the field. So a person with 25 past sexual partners- not necessarily an issue. Someone who made the decision to contribute financially (more than once, it sounds like) to an off grid financial system that often exploits women who also may not have access to proper or consistent health care- absolutely concerning.

Post # 42
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

With all due respect, I’m wondering if the sex thing is bigger in your mind than it should be because you’re inexperienced in that? The first person I slept with was also a virgin, but I know it would have bothered me if he were not. However, looking back, me today would tell myself back then that it wasn’t a big deal, and all that mattered was whether he loved me and hoped for a future together. 

To play devil’s advocate, he might not have even been thinking about the exploitation of women when he saw the prostitutes – maybe it didn’t cross his mind at the time. I also know people who have used prostitutes because of extreme societal pressure. A lovely, gentle guy I knew slept with a prostitute because he was getting made fun of for still being a virgin. He’s not proud of it, but it’s his past. 

With regards to the comments about the Save-The-Date Cards, he should deinifely get tested ASAP! However, it is extremely judgemental to assume that people with lots of sexual experience are infected. If anything, I’d be more worried about someone with a low number of partners who has some shame surrounding sex because it’s less likely for them to be treated if they get inected.  

The bible talks about being lost, and then being found. I feel as though acceptance of your fiance’s past is consistent with the scriptures. But it’s your life and you have to live it every day. 

Post # 43
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

My partner and Is ability to connect to each other have nothing to do with the partners we have had. I have had plenty and I’m sure my husband has as well. I never think of a past lover while intimate with my spouse (actually most I don’t remember all that well since I am an older bee). It is special every time because it is him.

I have no idea how many partners he has had, it came up one time in discussion but he said hell Idk and honestly I couldn’t probably give you the first names of all of mine. I am comfortable not knowing his exact amount and him not knowing mine. 

By The Way, neither of us has ever had an STD. 

Post # 44
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

Sex is just sex. Without emotions involved, it’s basically shaking hands but with your genitals. Or using someone else to get off, they’re as good as a vibrator/flesh light. I say this as someone who has slept with many men in my college days. I was a wild child. And it’s never taken away from making love with my Fiance. Don’t worry about insignificant things like this, you’ll drive yourself crazy. Focus on your future together. Those women were all in the past. 

Also, having quite a few partners is fine as long as you’re safe! I always used BCP along with condoms. And got tested every 6 months to a year. 

Post # 45
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Sorry bee but I too remember your old posts and you’re just going to choose to ignore the fact that you two are incompatible and get married anyway huh? You aren’t comfortable with his past, he isn’t Christian enough for you. he drinks and smokes which you don’t like, and you guys don’t know how to communicate like adults. Tell me again why you’re marrying him now? You aren’t listening to what any of the bees are telling you. I disagree with the bees that said do couples counseling. My advice is that you shouldn’t be in this relationship and you need to find someone who is as “Christian” as you are and stop trying to crucify your boyfriend for who he is and what he’s done. I don’t know how you haven’t found a better devout Christian coming from the family you’ve described. How did you even get with this guy? He is exactly opposite in all the wrong ways. 

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