Post # 1
My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together 3.5 years and we are both 25 and I am definitely in the waiting stage. A few months ago we had a talk about our future where I told him I wanted to be married to him. He replied that he wasn’t sure if I was ‘the one’ or if he wanted to get married any time in the near future – he was thinking he would probably get married around age 30. Well, I was not cool with that. I am definitely not going to stick around for 5 more years while he ‘figures things out’. I told him my deadline for a decision was September 2011 becasue it is when I will be applying for graduate school and will be a new phase of my life – with him or without him. By then, he should know, right?
My problem is now is now he seems to be taking me for granted. We both travel Monday-Thursday for work out of state so the only possible days for us seeing each other are Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Due to him wanting to spend time with friends we usually see each other for one or two date nights/afternoons a week. I wish he would want to spend more time with me. I am busy as well, with my own groups of girlfriends and volunteering and studying for the grad admission exam, but it always seems like I am the one missing him and he doesn’t miss me. I think he would be happy seeing me once a week and doing his own thing the rest of the time. These doubts are making me upset and nervous. For instance, this weekend we went out to dinner Friday with another couple which was nice. I didn’t hear from him all day on Saturday and now it is late Sunday afternoon and still nothing. We talked about seeing a movie Sunday night but he still hasn’t called.
Part of me thinks I am being over-sensitive. The other part thinks I am being taken advantage of because everything is on his schedule. This has been an issue in the past and after bringing it up multiple times, ignoring his behavior until I can’t take it anymore and then finally crying and getting very upset, he starts putting in more effort…for a few months. Then it goes back to how it was.
Am I thinking about this wrong? Will anything make him change? Should I even stick with this guy who I love and can be caring, loving, fun, compassionate, generous etc. when I have these doubts? What would you do?
Post # 3
I am sorry you are having to go through this. And if I were you, and “He replied that he wasn’t sure if I was ‘the one’ or if he wanted to get married any time in the near future”, I would have broke it off right then. If I were you, I would leave him. Relationships take effort and work from both sides; not just one side.
Post # 4
Post # 5
@seabee: From what you described he definitely does not sound like a guy who wants to be in a committed relationship. You asked will anything make him change? He already stated he doesn’t know if you are the one and that he wants to be 30 when he does get married, at least he was honest. If you can not wait till he is 30, why stick around? Did you think he would change after you told him he had to Sept 11? Sounds like your plan didn’t work, people seldom change for others, he has to change for himself. Good Luck
Post # 6
the begining of your post sounds like a conversation i had a while back with a guy when i asked about him and his gf getting married. he said “i dont know how i really feel about her” – im sorry but if you dont know how you feel about someone after almost 2yrs then youre really not that into her and wasting her time – and i basically told him this, the couple broke up.
please dont think im being harsh but im thinking your relationship sounds like a habit and to be honest may have run its course. i cant imagine being with someone that said to me that he wasnt sure if i was “the one” after almost 4yrs. i would hate to have given years of myself to someone that felt this way about me
goodluck, i think you have some hard thinking to do
Post # 7
@seabee: Wow.. now that’s a situation. First of all, I’m with you… there’s no way I would stick around for another 5 years while he figures out what he wants. That’s ridiculous. As hard as some people make it sound, there ARE plenty of guys out there that are looking for someone to settle down with… and aren’t trying to wait 5+ years to do it. He’s not the only fish in the pond.. LoL.
My own beliefs are that people usually know within a year of serious dating and regular, in-person contact, whether or not they could envision spending the rest of their lives together. Doesn’t mean that it will HAPPEN, but there should be some idea about it. By the end of year two, I feel like you should know whether or not that person is “The One”. It’s not that hard… if you know what you want, that is. If I’d put in over 2 years and he was still saying that he didn’t know whether or not I was “The One”, I’d be out. Sometimes you have to put your emotional attachments to the side and put yourself first.
Now.. I’m not telling you to leave him.. don’t take it that way, LoL. I’m just saying what I would do… and I made that clear to my SO early on. I’ve let too many people waste my time in the past.. I’m now 27 and i’m certainly not going to let anyone waste the last few years of my 20s when they aren’t about anything.
One thing that I will tell you, that I’m sure you already know, is that you can’t change anyone.. I’ve wasted years with people believing that they would change. The way he acts now will most likely be the way he acts for the rest of his life, if not worse. Concerning this, my mom always tells me “I’ve never seen sh*t roll uphill”. LOL… my mom is a character.. but the point is, if things start off bad, they usually gradually get worse. I’m not saying that people don’t change… but it is rare and usually short-lived. When people make REAL changes that last, it’s only because THEY want to…
I do think it’s good that you gave him a deadline.. my advice is to stick to it, if that’s what you really want. Don’t make “empty” threats. If Sept 2011 rolls around and he’s still twiddling his thumbs, hit the road and don’t look back. I guarantee you that there’s a man out there that is everything you’re looking for and will GLADLY take his spot. Good luck, doll.
Post # 8
It sounds like you both want different things, have decided to take different paths in your life, and as though he isn’t willing to do what is necessary to make a relationship (which he has already told you he isn’t sure about) work for the long term. I think he’s basically said enough to get you to break up with him without him having to do anything. It doesn’t sound like you want the same things, and it really seems like he’s trying to take the easy way out by forcing your hand instead of breaking off something that’s not going to make it and saving both of you time and energy.
Post # 9
I think that you need to leave now and not wait until you get into grad school next year. It seems like he isn’t sure if the relationship is right and you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t know about being with you after 3.5 years.
Post # 10
I hate to say it, but it sure sounds as if he’s just not that into your relationship. If you want to waste more time with this half baked thing, that’s up to you.
I have to agree with the others, I’d be gone.
MsFoxxy is right–you can’t change him. It’s your choice to tolerate this quasi relationship that obviously isn’t going anywhere or move on.
Post # 11
I agree. You’ve wasted enough of your life. Take your life back-take control. An arbitrary date in the future isn’t going to change much. It takes courage to end a relationship like that (and there’s a willing support group here to help you through that), but I think you owe it to yourself to find someone who can’t wait to be with you.
Post # 12
If I were you I wouldn’t even wait until next Sept. Why would you waste a year on a guy who isn’t sure? I would move on if I were you.
Or if you aren’t ready for that, start making him make the first move. Make him call first.
But like I said, don’t wait around wasting your precious time. If he wants to wait until 30 and you do not, then don’t. A lot of women just waste their time sticking by a guy who isn’t sure he’s ready to take the next step.
Post # 13
This is barely a relationship at all–they only see each other 1-2 afternoons or evenings a week. And he’s not showing an inclination to move beyond that.
I don’t see how this could possibly be a foundation for marriage. Relationships evolve & this seems to be permanently stuck.
I think the focus should not be on “him” & what he’s going to do & instead look at how come the OP is willing to settle for a non relationship for so long.
Post # 14
I’m sorry to say that I agree with the other Bees. After 3.5 years, you at least KNOW whether or not you want to spend the rest of your lives together. He doesn’t, and that alone would cause me to walk away. Now you say he’s spending barely any time with you. It sounds like he is pretty much over the relationship but wants you to end it. I was with a guy who wanted to wait until he was 30 until he got married and we were 22 at the time. I knew that I wasn’t willing to wait another 8 years and that sped up the relationship’s demise.
Post # 15
@seabee: I am concerned for you. I remember a similar post from you, about 5 months ago. It seems as if things have not improved and only gotten worse. To me, he seems to not be ready for the things you want (and deserve) with you. You need to start thinking about you, what you want out of life (education, marriage and family) and make the decisions that will put you on a path to live the life you want (and deserve). To me, staying with him, does not seem like it will get you there. Best of luck.
Post # 16
I agree with PopRox. I mean if he isn’t sure by know then it ‘s no point in sticking around. You don’t want to wait five years for him to be ready then I say move on. There are plenty of other guys out there that will put a lot more time into a relationship then the little he seems to. You deserve someone who can tell you that your it for them why settle for anything less. I also agree with the PP’s that waiting until sept of 2011 isn’t going to change anything. Your just wasting your vaulable time on a guy who doesn’t deserve it. I hope you’ll give your self a chance to find a guy who truly deserves you.