(Closed) Getting Separate Houses, but staying together

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 137
Member
2291 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My husband’s aunt and uncle live in separate houses a few blocks from eachother. It works out nicely for them! They don’t act or seem like a divorced couple at all. They’ll hangout together most days and then go to their own homes. I don’t know why they came up with that living situation, but they like it and have been married for like 20+ years.

Post # 138
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsBuesleBee:  You are actually muddling the facts a bit, and over simplifying a study that study has a very low statistical sample.  

This article cites a study of thousands (not hundreds) of people…

The reality is, it comes down to how/why you cohabitate before marriage. Those who cohabitate in a committed relationship with clear intention/expecations for their relationship do NOT have significantly higher rates of divorce…

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-03-02-cohabiting02_N.htm

ETA: Also, even the study you cited is mentioned in this article…it too denotes..”the nature of commitment at the time of cohabitation is what’s important.”

So it is not whether or not a couple cohabitates prior to marriage, it is why/how they cohabitate.

(Sorry OP, I didn’t mean to threadjack)

Post # 139
Member
8601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@bmo88:  yes it’s interesting how much intention affects the outcome. I guess blanket statements from either end of the argument are less than accurate. Thanks for sharing love reading studies about it 

Post # 140
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church

I can’t imagine living apart from my husband because I love my time with him. We moved in with each other more than three years before we got married because we wanted to see each other more often rather than living an hour apart. I’m sad when one of us has to spend more time at work because I want to see him for more hours than I have in the day :(.

Post # 141
Member
13647 posts
Honey Beekeeper

It would be one thing if OP and H were married for years, had already tried counseling and this is where they ended up.  But to me this just seems like a Bandaid solution, for a young couple who have never been in any other  relationship, who have never  tried to get to the root of their problems and who want to take the path of least resistance.  

OP, you mentioned previously on the Bee that your own parents were divorced when you were just 18 months old and that you hardly ever saw your father.  Do you think the fear  of  this happening to your own child is preventing you from digging deeper into the problems in your marriage? 

You also mentioned a very close female friend of H who did not like you, put you down and used to ask H out to dinner by himself.  H wanted her to be the baby’s godmother and got very angry that you were not OK with his choice.  Is that an example of the kind of dynamic you are trying to avoid by living apart?  If that’s the case, frankly, I doubt it will work in the long term. 

It just seems to me that you guys are sticking your heads in the sand and selling yourselves and your baby short not to do what you can to fix the underlying problems.  And if they are not fixable that you are both selling yourselves short in the long run to stay together. 

Post # 142
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with  @cantonbride. What’s the point? Is being married hard sometimes? Yes. Is living with someone hard sometimes? Yes. Whats the point of staying married? You could still feel love for him and have amicable family nights if you were divorced..

Post # 143
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@MrsBuesleBee:  

 

That information is also influenced by whether or not a couple moves in with the intent to marry. 

 

If a couple simply moves in with no permanent commitment in mind, the divorce rate is higher.

 

However, if a couple shacks up with a clear plan for marriage, the likelihood that they will divorce is lower than those who just cohabit with no commitment.

 

 

Post # 144
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@weddingmaven:  

With all of these new details, I have to say I agree with you.

Maybe the OP’s husband wants to live apart, so that he can have more time with his friend. I am not saying that to be mean, it just seems rather convenient. 

If a husband keeps communicating with a woman who doesn’t care about his marriage, he clearly has no respect for his wife. 

View original reply
@bmo88:  

You are completely right about cohabitation and divorce. 

Post # 145
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

DH and I are currently long-distance, and the times that we spend >1wk together leave me stir-crazy. I can wrap my head around the OP’s plans.

OP, to what degree will this living arrangment change your and DH’s current financial setup (shared vs. separate vs. a combo arrangment)? What are your plans for time you intend to spend together, both with your child and together on dates, etc? Will it be permissible to spend several days at a time at the other partner’s place?

I think a lot of posters are comparing this arrangment to a divorce-but-not-divorce because they haven’t heard you articulate the ways in which you and DH will “act married.”

Since you have a child, a very importnat discussion will be about childcare. Will one of you be the primary caregiver? What steps will you and DH actively take so that resentment does not build over one person bearing the majority of the child responsibilities?

Post # 146
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would consider this if we our career aspirations led us to different cities. We dont have children now so I am bkt sure if this would really be an option at that point.

 

Same city, seseparate houses-No. our relationship works well under one roof for right now. We are a divorce is not an option couple, so I leave all living arrangements open. My grandfather’s Girlfriend of over 40 years luved apart in the same city and they were committed to each other.

Post # 147
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsSmokey:  “My home will be our family base. In fact, it would be easy to do it without most people even knowing.”


You’re kidding yourself. As soon as the kid is old enough to talk, his friends and their families will know. Just saying. 

Post # 148
Member
2187 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh I could definitely go for an arrangement like that. I doubt FH would. I am very independent, self-sufficient and totally groove on alone time. FH is much more into the togetherness thing. Luckily our work schedules are so different, it is almost like I live here by myself, and we both get a lot of vacation time so FH can get the togetherness he enjoys. It works for us. If two houses work for you – fantastic!

Post # 149
Member
3615 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@weddingmaven:  couldn’t have said it better myself. ! Feels like a cop out to me. 

Post # 150
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MistySoda:  +1 

I totally agree with you. Splitting up the kids’ time will be hard on the kid no matter what. I was a kid of divorced parents, and I’m fine, but let me tell you – I ABSOLUTELY HATED splitting time between parents. We did it for YEARS and it never got easier or better. Sure, I’m glad they weren’t married (they were HORRIBLE together) so it was the lesser of two evils, but I can tell you right now I would have resented them a LOT MORE if they were actually still married and “in love” and made me go through that.

Post # 151
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MrsSmokey:  No. FH and I want to see each other every day. That’s why we’re getting married. 

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