(Closed) Getting Separate Houses, but staying together

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 152
166 posts
Blushing bee

This is just sad

Post # 153
1887 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

We wouldn’t consider this, but this is what Helena Bonham Carter and her husband do and it works for them. They have separate houses next door to each other. 

Post # 154
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MrsSmokey:  I think this will be really hard on your son, but you know your family the best! I hope that this works for your family!!


in answer to your question: no my DH and I would never consider this option. To me being married is about sharing your home and being together every day Along with many other things. I would feel that we would drift apart and lose a very importabt connection that cones from sharing a home and a bed. we also would not have the income to support two separate homes lol that could get pricey! 

Post # 155
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton live in separate houses and have been happily married for years as far as I know.

Post # 156
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MrsSmokey:  If this is what will make you happier, go for it! But just a question, would you prefer to live alone even in a happy marriage? Or is this a last attempt to save a failing one? 

In other words, if you divorced and found someone you could love again, could you see yourself living with them happily? Or will you always desire your own space?  If it’s about space, I totally get it– that’s not something that can be changed over night.

Post # 157
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

If you didn’t have a wee babe then I wouldn’t hesitate to tell you to go for it, but I do wonder how you’ll manage the “split” logisitically.  for example, are you breastfeeding? Is your LO particularly attached to you? How will you deal with issues such as night wakings?

I don’t know, I guess the situation makes me uneasy for your LO and I know that for me personally, there was NO WAY I was letting my four month old baby out of my sight for any decent period of time.

Post # 158
2453 posts
Buzzing bee

This just seems silly to me and I’d never consider it. If I were thinking of living in a seperate house just to keep my marriage “healthy”, I’d reconsider what the hell I got myself into and find a man I could live happily WITH. 

good luck.

Post # 159
13647 posts
Honey Beekeeper


@Kemma:  +1  

I think the idea of shuffling a very young baby or toddler between the  two homes, especially for overnights as planned by the OP is terrible and poorly considered. 

As an accomodation to equal rights of parents and the so called best interests of the parent-child bond, these days divorce courts no longer subscribe to the “tender years doctrine.”  This philosophy was that young children are  better off with the stability of one home.  No one denies how hard the shuffling back and forth with suitcase  routine can be hard on a child, of any age, but it is seen as promoting  the greater good.  Frankly, in some cases it doesn’t, but I digress. 

However, this rarely applies to children as young as the one in the OP because it is seen as detrimental and disruptive and not in the best interests of the child.  Ours is among the most liberal of divorce courts in the country and judges  won’t order overnights for a baby or young toddler.  What does that say? 

Post # 160
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@MrsSmokey:  I disagree.  But as you said, you are not looking for opinions on what you are doing, just whether we would do it.  The answer to that is no, for the reasons stated above.  

Post # 163
158 posts
Blushing bee

@atacrossroads:  +1

At that point you might as well get divorced if you need to live apart to get along and avoid divorce.  I see marriage as a partnership in one household, not an arrangement between two different households.  Why not just be friends with benefits or something?  

Don’t get me wrong, I love my space as well, and have no issues with a man cave or something along those lines, and understand temporarily living apart from your spouse because of work/school/military but marriage to me is a union and if you can’t or don’t want to work your issues out and WANT to be with your partner, you may as well just not be together.

Post # 164
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think it’s great if it works for you. I’m all for figuring out how to change the shape of a marriage to best suit the couple.

Post # 165
950 posts
Busy bee

I know a couple of families that did this, typically because one of the parents got a job and the other parent had the kids in an area they had adjusted to. I’ve known other families where the parents slept in separate bedrooms. The divorce rate among these families is very low. I would reccommend if you are going to be living in the same town to make sure you still spend time as a couple and time as a family.

Post # 166
6430 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

If someone had told you before you got married that you would end up wanting to live separately from your husband, what would you have said? Would you have still wanted to marry him?


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