- 8 years ago
This is just sad
This is just sad
We wouldn’t consider this, but this is what Helena Bonham Carter and her husband do and it works for them. They have separate houses next door to each other.
@MrsSmokey: I think this will be really hard on your son, but you know your family the best! I hope that this works for your family!!
in answer to your question: no my DH and I would never consider this option. To me being married is about sharing your home and being together every day Along with many other things. I would feel that we would drift apart and lose a very importabt connection that cones from sharing a home and a bed. we also would not have the income to support two separate homes lol that could get pricey!
Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton live in separate houses and have been happily married for years as far as I know.
@MrsSmokey: If this is what will make you happier, go for it! But just a question, would you prefer to live alone even in a happy marriage? Or is this a last attempt to save a failing one?
In other words, if you divorced and found someone you could love again, could you see yourself living with them happily? Or will you always desire your own space? If it’s about space, I totally get it– that’s not something that can be changed over night.
If you didn’t have a wee babe then I wouldn’t hesitate to tell you to go for it, but I do wonder how you’ll manage the “split” logisitically. for example, are you breastfeeding? Is your LO particularly attached to you? How will you deal with issues such as night wakings?
I don’t know, I guess the situation makes me uneasy for your LO and I know that for me personally, there was NO WAY I was letting my four month old baby out of my sight for any decent period of time.
This just seems silly to me and I’d never consider it. If I were thinking of living in a seperate house just to keep my marriage “healthy”, I’d reconsider what the hell I got myself into and find a man I could live happily WITH.
I think the idea of shuffling a very young baby or toddler between the two homes, especially for overnights as planned by the OP is terrible and poorly considered.
As an accomodation to equal rights of parents and the so called best interests of the parent-child bond, these days divorce courts no longer subscribe to the “tender years doctrine.” This philosophy was that young children are better off with the stability of one home. No one denies how hard the shuffling back and forth with suitcase routine can be hard on a child, of any age, but it is seen as promoting the greater good. Frankly, in some cases it doesn’t, but I digress.
However, this rarely applies to children as young as the one in the OP because it is seen as detrimental and disruptive and not in the best interests of the child. Ours is among the most liberal of divorce courts in the country and judges won’t order overnights for a baby or young toddler. What does that say?
A BIG THANK YOU to all of the open minded bees!! 🙂 Even if it’s not what you would do or want to do, I truly appreciate your thoughts. I will keep you lovely bees updated if it all goes ahead!
I didn’t ask to be questioned about whether I love my husband, or if I am old enough to make a decision like this. It was simply to see how many others have thought about it or would consider it.
To those telling me our son will be psychologically damaged, wow, perhaps you should keep certain comments to yourselves.
**I am still making my way through the last page of comments**
@sillygoat: Wow! You should really learn not to assume things. We have lived together for 5 years, and we are in love. Just because we prefer the idea of living apart does not make our marriage weaker or less meaningful than anothers. Also, we aren’t staying together just for our son. We laugh constantly, and fight significantly less than most married couples – but we just love our alone time. By the way, are you trying to insult me?? I just didn’t find your comment to be helpful in any way.
Do you have date nights with him? Yes, once a week, or fortnight if we are super busy.
Do you go over to his house every so often to cook a meal and watch a movie? Yes we would, 1-3 nights a week i would think.
Do you attend parties or weddings together? Yes.
Do you go out with friends together? 50/50. We have our own friends, then our couple friends who we see together.
Do you still have sex? Yep 🙂 and its still very satisfying.
If so, once it’s over do you immediately go back to your respective houses, or stay to cuddle a while, or ever just sleep together afterward? We would spend the night together. We’re still married, not sex buddies 🙂
Are you each “allowed” to go over to the other house to cry on a shoulder if you need to
? A big yes!
At that point you might as well get divorced if you need to live apart to get along and avoid divorce. I see marriage as a partnership in one household, not an arrangement between two different households. Why not just be friends with benefits or something?
Don’t get me wrong, I love my space as well, and have no issues with a man cave or something along those lines, and understand temporarily living apart from your spouse because of work/school/military but marriage to me is a union and if you can’t or don’t want to work your issues out and WANT to be with your partner, you may as well just not be together.
I think it’s great if it works for you. I’m all for figuring out how to change the shape of a marriage to best suit the couple.
I know a couple of families that did this, typically because one of the parents got a job and the other parent had the kids in an area they had adjusted to. I’ve known other families where the parents slept in separate bedrooms. The divorce rate among these families is very low. I would reccommend if you are going to be living in the same town to make sure you still spend time as a couple and time as a family.
If someone had told you before you got married that you would end up wanting to live separately from your husband, what would you have said? Would you have still wanted to marry him?
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