(Closed) Getting Separate Houses, but staying together

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 182
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t think this could ever work for me, my Fiance and I love spending all our free time together.  My best friend tried this with her boyfriend of 6 years.  After living together for 5 years she decided to get her own place, which seemed very odd to everyone who knew them.  Three months after moving into seperate apartments they ended their relationship.  To be honest, pretty much everyone felt like they were on the way to a break up when they got their own places.  Other than the family nights together, it seems like you two will be living as a divorced couple.  

Post # 183
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

When did MrsSmokey say she was doing this to avoid divorce? I didn’t see it in the OP.

Post # 184
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I would never, ever consider this. I am weighing my words very carefully, so if it comes off as insulting or judgemental, please be assured that it is not my intention at all. It just seems as if this arrangement is basically a divorce without being divorced. Do you plan on having more children? Your son may be a baby now, but in five, ten years, he will be living the same type of life as any other child of divorce, and if you have more children you’ll basically be like a single mother. Is your husband okay with only having him two nights a week? Are you okay having him only five? It just seems like a lot of headache and confusion all for the sake of keeping your marriage together. I can not imagine how much my SO and I would have to push each other for us not to want to live together anymore. The best part of my day is coming home to my SO and having him beside me as I fall asleep and beside me as I wake. I am literally giddy at the idea of doing that for the rest of my life. I guess while I can respect your decision, I definitely can not understand it, nor really support it. 

Post # 185
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

@PositiveThinking:  “MrsSmokey (message   September 2012  

If we don’t do this, I feel strongly that we could end up getting a divorce as we both are headstrong. “

Post # 186
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Thanks. I saw the quote when I looked over the first page again.

If you can’t even live together as a married couple and hash out issues, it doesn’t seem to bode well for the future of your marriage. 

Being stubborn is no excuse. Marriage is about compromise. 

Post # 187
Member
4682 posts
Honey bee

@MrsSmokey:  I think you are being WAY to defensive. I mean, you put this whole situation out in cyberspace for strangers to comment on….what did you think was going to happen?

Like PP have said, this isn’t exactly a new thing. It was actually quite common with aristocracy through the centuries to maintain two homes. I say, what ever works for your marriage. If this is what it takes for you to have a satisfying relationship, then go for it.

I think you should prepare yourself for what people IRL are going to assume though. They will most likely think your marriage is on the rocks and you are seperating. Not that its anyone’s business, or that you owe them an explanation, but be prepared for it. I have to assume you are going to be really bothered by it, just based on your reaction to this thead.

Post # 189
Member
268 posts
Helper bee

I know this is a super old thread, but it hits home, so I wanted to reply. I don’t find this odd at all, and here’s why. 

With my last ex that I lived with, most of our “we’re irritated with each other and now we’re fighting” situations could probably have been avoided if we didn’t live together. But we wanted to spend a lot of time together, too, which is why we moved in together in the first place. I thought, after we broke up (not just because of these specific issues, but they definitely contributed), “I think with my next relationship, we should live in apartments next door to each other!”

My ex was messy/dirty, and I am a clean person that gets claustrophobic around clutter. When we lived together, I was constantly irritated because I either had to follow around behind him picking up/cleaning up, or live in a pig sty. Neither of which made me happy. Had we lived next to each other, he could mess up his apartment as much as he wanted, and it wouldn’t reflect badly on me, and I could just go home to a nice clean organized house where I could relax and have people over without spending the whole weekend cleaning and scrubbing first. And when he spent time at my place, he wouldn’t leave his clothes all over the floor, and in laundry baskets, and on the back of the couch, because the only clothes of his at my place would be the ones on his body that he’d have to wear back home! He wouldn’t be leaving beard hairs and toothpaste in my sink, because after we woke up together on sleepover nights, he’d go back to his next door apartment to shower and get ready for work. See where I’m going with this? 

My ex had a 9 year old daughter that was with us every other weekend, and while I did enjoy spending time with her, I didn’t enjoy having to clean up after her when she left, or having to turn lights off after her EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE WALKED OUT OF A ROOM. If we had lived next door to each other, she could have been a tornado in HIS apartment, and wasted HIS electricity. 

I also couldn’t stand his best friend. He was a loud, obnoxious, asshole that would interrupt every sentence I started. On the nights when he came over to hang out, I felt like I was banishing myself to the bedroom or out of the house because i didn’t want to hang out in the common area with him, or have to deal with listening to him when I’d go into the kitchen or bathroom. If we lived next door to each other, I could just be at my own place, with free reign over the entire apartment and not have to listen to his voice. 

My ex and I loved cuddling up together at night and waking up together in the morning, we loved hanging out together in the evenings, going on dates, etc, so we thought that moving in together would let us do that more often. But then we noticed that the more we nitpicked at each other over the day to day living irritations, the less we enjoyed doing those things together. 

So I totally get it. Just thought I’d throw out some reasons WHY a relationship might work better when living apart. Living together wasn’t the sole reason we split up, but it was definitely unnecessary stress that contributed to a large part of it. Before we lived together, we lived about 25 minutes apart, which didn’t work at all, either. Had I not owned a home, in hindsight I think that we would probably have fared much better if we’d have just moved to adjacent apartments. 

Post # 190
Member
974 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I saw a good article about a couple with a similar arrangement.  Worked out just fine for them. 

Post # 191
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2022 - City, State

View original reply
MrsSmokey:  Honestly, my fiance and I have considered it. He is from California, but his home base  right now is Florida. I live in NJ and am a teacher (in NJ teachers make quite a good salary). We have been long distance for 3 years and I have been on my own since my first husband passed away 13 years ago. I am Native American, very headsdtrong, a free spirit, and like my privacy and private time. Fiance has never been married and wants to live together, but says he would be happy with whatever I decide. 

Unfortunately, due to some issues in NJ with the way that public employees are being treated, I have decided to retire, sell my home in NJ (it sold in 3 months) , and move to Florida, so the point is now moot. However, I definitely undestand the appeal.

Post # 192
Member
10133 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I tried it with my ex h & we ended up divorced, but he’s an abuser.

Early in my engagement to Dh, I decided I wasn’t ready to get married & canceled the wedding & moved out.  We never considered seeing others.  That went on for years until I was finally ready.  Everything worked out fine.

If you do seperate, I would suggest counseling.

Post # 193
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

this would never work for DH and I. I am married because i want to be *with him.

I could not live like I was single (alone) by choice, and be confident that it was “best for my marriage” because tbh it seems quite the opposite and rather damaging to a marriage for both partners to hold themselves out in a way as to suggest being single, even if you tell people otherwise.

if there are complications to living together you learn to compromise. If I, having pretty intense OCD, can live with my slobby ADHD husband and love even the hard times, mothers can work out their differences as well.

Post # 194
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

*others can work out their differences as well

Post # 195
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

I think if you’re not getting along while spending time together and need as much time apart as possible in order to be happy, it doesnt sound like a constructive or successful family unit anymore. I have friends in relationships who are the more independent types–they dont feel the need to spend every waking moment together, they have some seperate friends, seperate hobbies, etc. I dont see anything wrong or even necessarily weird with that, but basically saying ‘Me and my husband clash so much, if we spend any more time together, we’re going to have to break up’….well, then, you might as well break up? Youre getting a divorce without the paperwork. Is that the reason youre not going through with making it official? Are you afraid of officially being labeled as divorced?

And Im sorry but its not plausible to think youre going to be able to pull this off without people knowing….have you ever spent ten, twenty minutes with a 5 or 6year old? Every time I have they usually start babbling about mommy and daddys business. Example:

Schoolmate: My mommy and daddy say its not good to touch the cat too much. They say he doesnt like it.

Your son: My mommy and daddy dont live together. There’s a cat at my daddys house but not my mommys.

*School mate goes home and on the car ride home starts babbling about his friend whose parents dont live together*

*Next school function you have random nosy classmate parents coming up to you saying “I didnt know you and *husbands name* were divorced! Im so sorry!” And you try to awkwardly explain that you’re not divorced. You just live apart…and split time between your child…and dont get along anymore.

 

See where Im going?

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