(Closed) Getting Separate Houses, but staying together

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 196
1496 posts
Bumble bee

I have never heard of this, and I don’t understand the point of getting married then. There will be a clear dividing line between Mom’s family and Dad’s family. When the child gets older and has friends over I guarantee he’ll end up saying at one time or another “I’m at my dads house this weekend so you can come over there”. If I were the kid, I would probably just let my friends assume my parents were split up rather than trying to explain it. 

It just doesn’t make much sense to me. If you think you’ll end up divorced if you live together, then you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. It’s almost like saying “I love you, but I won’t love you for long if we live together”. 

Anyway, I mostly feel bad for the kid. If there was no kid involved, I wouldn’t really see an issue, I’d just think it’s weird. But because there’s a child involved, I think it’s not right.

Post # 197
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Private lodge

You’d be amazed how many people are doig this nowadays.  Good for you.  Do what you have to do to make your relationship work.  Best of luck!

Post # 198
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

Maybe it’s just me thinking back to dating. But I hated dating. I hated DH having to drop me off at the end of a date. I hated not seeing him every night. Yes we talked every night, but it wasn’t the same. I hated that in order for us to get quality time we had to go out and spend money (we were both still at our parents houses and couldn’t be home alone, which we were 100% okay with). he hated all the driving, especially on holidays from house to house. Now that we’re married, we do NOT want to go back to that life. Haha.

and I can’t help but worry about the effect this is going to have on your son. I’m not saying it WILL affect him negativity, but it could. I get that he’s 4 months old so this could become his norm. But just because it’s the norm doesn’t mean everyone’s happy with the situation. And what if you buy that second house and decide it’s not working for you? I’m in no way telling you that you shouldn’t do this. This is 100% your guys’ decision. I guess I’m just putting some thoughts out there.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by MrsWoods47.
Post # 199
2521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Honestly, the only couples I’ve heard doing this are couples who HAVE to do this for work.  People such as military couples, couples who are both PhDs (it is very hard to find professor jobs- many couples meet in graduate school and then can only find jobs in seperate states).  It isn’t a choice for these couples, merely a means for survival and it is VERY hard on those couples.  I can’t even vaguely relate- I adore living with my husband, and I can’t imagine that setup being great for your child, nor the pocketbook (2 houses is very expensive).  

I think trying to get a duplex or just a bigger house where you could both have more of your own space might make more sense (certainly financially it would).  

Post # 200
338 posts
Helper bee

If my SO ever suggested this to me our relationship would be over and I would have to find someone who actually wants to build a home with me. I would never ever want this kind of situation. 

Post # 201
136 posts
Blushing bee

It’s interesting to read people’s personal definitions of marriage. The concept doesn’t lend itself well to one definition. Given the comments in this thread, I’d love to read reactions to someone who came out and said they had an open marriage and were happily living together!

Hope the poster found what she was looking for. Whether it was some space and independence, while continuing to work on a harmonious family life, or ending the marriage all together.

Post # 202
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2006

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MrsSmokey:  whatever makes you happy!

Post # 203
683 posts
Busy bee

Whatever works for you. I love living with my fiance 

Post # 204
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

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MrsSmokey:  How did this end up panning out OP? are you and your husband better off now? Personally I would not want to do this with my husband, however it’s like we don’t always live together because we work opposite shifts so that our daughter doesn’t have to be watched by a daycare. So we get Saturday evening together, all Sunday day and evening, and Monday evenings together. So we really only get two days together because of how our shifts work out. and our daughter seems happy as a clam, however this isn’t a permanent situation, our daughter is 10 months old right now, and when she’s a bit older she’ll be going into daycare and we’ll be switching so that he has a daytime job and so that we can have our evenings together. While our situation sounds similar, I couldn’t imagine not having him be there when I wake up (there are nights that I go to bed and he’s not there), but usually I stay up until he gets home so we can at least talk for a bit before we go to bed.

Post # 205
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2025

Not the first time I’ve heard of it and I think it works for some people. The fact that you’ve identified the reasons why it works and that part of the driving force is to keep your marriage healthy, it sounds like its a good fit.

I wouldn’t want to do it myself, but I would never judge a couple who did so. If it works for you then great! I’m also curious as to how its working out?

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