(Closed) Getting Separate Houses, but staying together

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
3997 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MrsSmokey:  When I said it wouldn’t work for us financially, I meant that it didn’t seem to make sense to me to pay double for everything (e.g. two mortgages, two insurance policies, two water bills, two electricity bills, two sets of property taxes, etc…). My Fiance and I have combined finances, but it’s not like we lose the ability to have separate accounts just because we live in the same house aha.

Post # 18
4980 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

So why don’t you buy a split level house and each have their own level?  To me makes more sense than getting 2 different places.  

Post # 19
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MrsSmokey:  I think everyone is different and if this works for you, then great. I applaud you for taking steps to establish the existence that is best for you and not giving in to pressure to live a certain way that does NOT work well for you simply because society expects it.

As for my view within my own relationship — this would not work for us as we see companionship and unity at the core of marriage and life partnership, and for that to truly exist and thrive for the long term, we must be united in a physically present way (around each other “all the time”) for good times and bad, small annoyances, big impactful conflicts, whatever — avoiding the other is not ever an option). Physical unity forces us to never ignore or skirt an issue, to find a way to work through EVERYthing, big and small, together, even when it’s really hard and the last thing we want to do.

It also scaffolds the opportunities to experience all the good stuff, big and small, together, and never miss any of those positive memories that can’t be planned. I find that those things really help strengthen a marriage, and limiting time together so much to where we could potentially miss those good times that pop up out of no where seems like it would be a real detriment to our partnership.

If I were to consider it, I would worry that it would open the door to diminished interest in the other person and potential interest in other people. Sort of like an out of sight out of mind sort of thing. Real life is not all raindbows and butterflies, and no one is ever going to be super thrilled to see their partner every single day. I would worry that without the commitment to actually come home to the physical presence of that other person everyday would chip away at unity that inevitably faces periods of vulnerability through the ebb and flow of life. I would worry that eventually, during one of those “ebbs” one or both of us may decide he or she is happier not just without being around the other all the time, but without having to ultimately answer to the marriage all the time. And thus the door leading away from the marriage is slowly opened. Just my thoughts — no idea if that would actually be an issue at all, and definitely not a judgment on your choice.

Best of luck to you guys with this new step, let us know how it works out!

Post # 20
13652 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I wouldn’t consider it  and can’t imagine wanting to do this unless there were major problems in the marriage.  If there are, and this is a temporary semi- separation I could understand the potential  benefits, but as a permanent lifestyle choice I can’t relate to it.  

I obviously don’t know your history, but  a new baby can be a huge and difficult transition for some couples? Have or would you consider  counseling?  

Post # 21
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MrsSmokey:  I love coming home to fiancé. I couldn’t imagine it for myself. do you think you will be lonely or miss the help with your child? Who brought it up to the other? 

Post # 23
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I just have a few questions if you don’t mind 

1. Have you tried doing like a duplex thats attached but the same building or two seperate bedrooms in the same house or a basement apartment for your husband? I just can’t imagine you’ll see each other often in two totally seperate spaces. 

2. Have you tried counseling? 

3. Aren’t you worried this will cause more space between you two? 

I think as someone whose in a LDR right now as my Fiance works on finding a job in our new town I just can’t imagine WANTING the space but I am not judging because I do not know you or your relationship but am very curious hence all of the questions. 

Post # 24
3997 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Sassygrn:  +1

That’s a good solution to the financial aspect that I mentioned.

Post # 25
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MrsSmokey:  You seem incredibly defensive of your decision.  It honestly sounds the way I’ve heard some couples talk during the first steps toward their divorce.  I think right now you need to focus on providing a loving home for your son, and the rest will work itself out.

Post # 26
3162 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsSmokey:  I guess, if you aren’t living like a married couple and sharing your lives together, then why stay married? If you feel that living together may result in divorce, but you don’t want to live together, then what benefit are you two maintaining by living separately (which would happen if you are divorced)? Are you hoping to maintain the legal benefits and sense of marriage for the sake of your son?

 I am honestly not trying to be confrontational, but I am genuinely curious.

Post # 28
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@MrsSmokey:  I agree, everyone is different. I wasn’t trying to be judgemental, I was just curious as I’ve never heard of this before. 

View original reply
@AB Bride:  +1. We hated living apart. It made financial and emotional sense for us to be in the same household. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. 

Post # 30
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Are you hoping to one day both desire to live together again?

My Fiance and I have been together 3.5 years, lived together 2. So obviously you have much more time invested, but I can 100% say we love being together. We spend as much time together as we can. 

It seems like you’re just so young to sign yourself up for this, if it’s potentially for the next 20 years like your aunt/uncle? 

Post # 31
1219 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MrsSmokey:  We are doing the same. I am moving about 8 hours away for work. DH is staying here. Our son will stay with me for the majority of the year but we all live together during the summer when I am not working.

Do what works for you!

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