Getting Separate Houses, but staying together

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 92
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I used to joke with my fiance that we should get two houses next to each other and build a big bedroom that connected the two. That way he could have his side and I could have mine! 

I hope this solution works for you and your husband! I think our neighbor kind of lives like this. They got married and her husband still owns his home in another area of town.

Post # 93
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You got together in your teens and you have been together 6 years right? That makes you 25 at the oldest. Honestly, i don’t think you can keep living seperate for 20+ years. You are so young, chances are you will meet someone else. Have you lived together before marriage? I think this keind of constructions work for people that have been together a long time (not 6 years) and need a new dimention in their marriage to make it work.

I know you don’t really want opions but i hope we can all help you make the beste decision for your family. 

Post # 94
Member
11746 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsSmokey:  ive never done this but I applaud you for taking the steps necessary to support your marriage how veer unconventional they may be. With a 50% divorce rate clearly marriage and living together isn’t always working out!

 

Have you considered just having an apartment on the side to go to? Sort of like Carrie and Big in sex and the city? This would be my ideal lol. Sometimes it’s nice to have your own space away from it all to hang out in!  

 

 

 

I do remember another bee had a similar arrangement. Maybe try using the search function to look her posts up? I can try later on when I’m in front of my computer too.

 

 

 

best of luck!!! 

 

Post # 95
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m only recently married, and I don’t live with my husband. (albeit for totally different reasons to you). If that’s what you want to do and it works for you guys then great! People have relationships quite easily without living together and THAT’s not viewed negatively and this is just the same… accept you’re married. 

As much as I would love and can’t wait to live with my husband, I do relish the days when he’s not around as I get to do my own thing, go out, see friends, concentrate on all my interests he’s not interested in. I can totally see why this could be beneficial to a couple. 

I’m ALL FOR what you’re doing (not that you’re asking for opinions). Just becuase you want more space doesn’t mean your marriage isn’t working and you should therefore get divorced. Why should we have to live together just because we’re married? It’s just another stereotypical view of society In My Humble Opinion. People should do what’s right for them. Simple as that. 

Post # 96
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I haven’t heard of this before, and while I wouldnt consider it, I firmly believe in people making choices for them, not blindly following what society deems as normal. I wish you well and I really hope this works for you.

Post # 97
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MrsSmokey:  I actually think its a great idea, just because you are married it doesnt mean you have to spend ever waking moment together and if any night you just felt like you really wanted to be together then you just call him and there he is. When you have been together so long sometimes a break is good but a lot of people make the mistake of taking a break from each other which leads to divorce. Plus you will get a break from your son which some people think is a terrible but actually it can be very beneficial, you will sleep well and bond more when hes back home and once again if you miss him too much then you can just go to your husbands place and see him. Lots of people will have bad opinions on this but screw them, its your life and you live it how you want to =] 

Post # 98
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

@MrsSmokey:  I would not consider this because it wouldn’t work for me and my marriage. However, I applaud your decision for several reasons: 

First, you are not throwing away your marriage just to appear “normal” and to fall in line with society’s standards of what marriage is supposed to be.  Marriage is a legal contract. Some people define their marriage in terms of the commitment made to one another, but in reality you and your officiant can stand up there and say whatever the hell you want during a wedding ceremony and the legality of being married is still the same.  Verbal commitments can me made without signing a piece of paper so I feel that each marriage should be defined and handled according to that couple’s standards and this is exactly what you are doing so I think that’s awesome for you. 
 
Secondly, it sounds as if you are actually trying to save your marriage by creating an environment that works for both spouses and one that you feel will work for your son. 

Post # 99
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I just don’t understand how separating but staying together would ever help . especially with a son you have to divide up his time. That must be really confusing for a kid.  Are you just not legally divorcing is all?

If you would have said your doing great and not considering divorce or just using the second house as somewhere to get away rather then permanent home  then I’d get it…. but living separating completely to avoid divorce is totally backwards to me. Sorry, I just don’t get it. I’d either be working on my marriage together or agreeing to divorce on good terms. 

If you want more space then get a bigger house, or a split level. If you can afford 2 mortgages then you can afford one big one.  Sure we like our own space but we would never even think about moving out to solve that. 

Post # 100
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would never do this, I love living with Darling Husband but a few years ago I met a german couple engaged to be married who had bought 2 seperate flats on the same floor and were living in one each, they were goign to continue that arrangement after marriage. They obviosuly loved and cared for eahc ther deeply but had decided they each needed their own space. At the time I guess I just thought “those crazy germans” lol. But whatever works for you guys, maybe you could get a home with a granny flat or two adjoined townhouses or flats next to each other or somehting if finance allows? Just a thought. 

Post # 102
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MrsSmokey:  I do remember reading a New York Times article about this sort of arrangement and how it is increasing in people who do it. I thought at the time that I knew people who it might work for. I wish you the best. 

Post # 103
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@MrsSmokey:  

This is actually nothing new. It has been done for centuries among the wealthy, around the world. Italian palazzos are built with his and her wings. The English aristocracy have his and hers castles.

It’s not done so much among the middle class, for financial reasons, although if it were financially possible for more people, it would probably prevent some divorces. Not every couple is meant to be a “togetherness” couple all the time. Some couples are at their best when they have more personal space.

I once knew a couple who had his and hers condos in the same building. They lived literally next door to each other, in separate units.

My older sister has a similar arrangement with her longterm SO. He lives on the 10th floor, she lives on the 7th floor. 

And in fact my younger sister has an unconventional arrangement with her husband. She is an international flight attendant and is gone a great deal on trips. You might say that she and her husband live apart 50% of the time since she is staying in hotels on layovers while he is at home. She has told me jokingly that it keeps them from killing each other. LOL

As for examples outside of marriage — my sister and I once bought a house together when we were single. We deliberately chose this house because it was a split plan. I had two bedrooms and a master bath upstairs, kind of like an apartment. She had a huge master bedroom with a second master bath downstairs. There was a common living area with kitchen, livingroom on the first floor. It was fabulous… we could come and go at all hours without disturbing the other, have boyfriends over, whatever, kind of like living in a dorm. We probably would have fought constantly if we hadn’t had that space from each other. It was great!

Also too, when my parents were divorced many years ago, they got houses several blocks apart. My sister and I didn’t experience any problems with the divorce because my parents remained friendly and highly involved in our lives. My sister and I went back and forth between the two houses constantly and there was no confusion or trauma. 

I see nothing whatsoever wrong with your idea, if you’re financially able to do it and it works for you!

As to your question though, no, it wouldn’t work for me because my situation is very different from yours. I was single for a LONG time. I didn’t meet Darling Husband until I was in my 40s. I did the “living on my own” and “having my own space” thing for, geeze, like 25 years! I waited so long to find the right guy, that I love us being together under one roof now. Fortunately, our house is big enough that I am able to have one of the bedrooms as my “girl cave.” I’ve converted it into a posh, feminine, dressing room with a make up vanity, jewelry trees, perfume cabinet, couture art and the whole nine yards. I love having my own little retreat within the house.

However if I were in your shoes? If I had met him when I was a teen-ager? Had never had my own place and all that? You bet I would consider separate living spaces, if it were financially feasible.

Go for it, and make no apologies or excuses to ANYONE. March to the beat of your own drummer, girl.

Post # 104
Member
7375 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@cantonbride:  +1

I’m also confused about why you would do this to your child. It seems like it isn’t in a child’s best interest to have him split time between parents. As a child I would have hated it if I couldn’t see both of my parents all the time. If you’re not divorced, why put your child through that?

Post # 105
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

To everyone worried about the OP’s child and how this living situation might affect him- if she stays in the same house with her husband, it sounds like there’s a very good chance that things will grow sour, and they’ll end up divorced and living seperately anyway. Then the child will still have to deal with splitting time between divorced parents. As long as they find a way to make this work for them and keep their relationship positive, I don’t see how it’s more harmful to the child than living in a potentially toxic environment when they’re together. 

Post # 106
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@AB Bride:  

@aliavenue:  

@jilleeann:  

@Hausfrau:  

 

I never said it was a death sentence for the kid. I never said children with divorced parents turn out messed up. I said it wouldn’t be good for him. People can have crappy childhoods and still turn out ok. That doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t concern themselves with giving their kids the best childhood possible. I also never said they should just live together and be unhappy. I said they should go to counseling and try to work out their problems so they can try to live together happily.

I have a 5 year old stepson. His parents have not lived in the same house since he was 6 weeks old. Living in two different places is all he has ever known. My husband and his ex get along very well and my stepson comes to stay with us regularly. He is very much loved in both homes, and he knows this. It is still VERY hard for him to live in two different places. The fact that mommy and daddy don’t love each other and aren’t married isn’t what causes him to freak out when we tell him to brush his teeth before he gets dressed. The fact that he does it differently at mommy’s is what causes him to freak out. Two different houses means two different routines, two different sets of rules, two different sets of everything. You can agree to do things the same, but unless you live together and can regulate each other, things are inevitably going to be done differently and that is hard for small children.

Again, no child involved, go for it! I have a friend who has stated many times that she would love to get married again if it weren’t for the fact that all the men who have asked her want to live in the same house. 

 

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