(Closed) Getting to know father later in life…need advice!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
898 posts
Busy bee

I’m glad that you were able to give him your thoughts and I’m also glad that he responded. I think that if you want to allow him into your life, you need to start small. Tell him that you want to hear from him by phone more often. Talk about little daily things, it’s going to be akward at first, but wouldn’t you rather the akwardness be now, not on your wedding day? To be honest, I don’t think you should worry so much about fitting the criteria for “father/daughter” relationship. You are an adult now, and I think that as an adult you can still respect him, but at this point you should be able to have a relationship that is not based on his providing for you, but just getting to know one another.

I’ve never been in your situation, so these are just my thoughts. But I did move out of my mother’s home when I was 16, and basically had to rebuild our entire relationship later when we got back in touch. We now have more of a friendship relationship. I respect her, but can’t forgive her for some of the things she’s done. But now that I’ve put a lot behind me, I can chat with her about daily life, and ask for advice on things. The fact that she’s kind of an outsider makes for great advice because it’s really not as biased.

 

Start small, and good luck!

Post # 4
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I don’t have any advice from a late-in-life standpoint, but maybe a little as a person who has a strong relationship with their father. In my opinion, everyone in our lives (including our parents) earn respect (they don’t deserve it by virtue of title). I think that the goal of a father/daughter relationship should be mutual respect and unconditional love, but that isn’t going to just appear out of nowhere.

Do whatever you’re comfortable with. You’re an adult and you don’t need someone to teach you to ride a bike. Talk more. Get dinner. Share feelings. Do only as much as you’re comfortable with. You’re not going to have a picture-perfect relationship by the time of your wedding, but maybe you can have a growing relationship? And maybe you can reach your goal by the time you have kids? (hugs)

Post # 5
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m 26 and I barely know my dad. I last saw him 8 years ago (which was the first time seeing him then in 12 years!). My advice is to start out slow. As CorgiTales said, do what feels comfortable to you. Also, make sure your expectations are realistic. Everyone’s situation is different and once reunited your relationship could turn out a lot different than someone else’s in a similar situation.  The reasons why he wasn’t a part of your life before may or may not resurface. It will take a lot of effort and patience from both sides. I personally tried to reach out to my dad when I was a lot younger and his responses eventually just stopped coming. Take it slow and I wish you the best of luck. 

Post # 6
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

i have not had a relationship with my father in years, but i imagine if things were different, and i questioned what it would be like to have him around i would reach out too, especially at an important time in your life such as this. if you took the guts to mail him the letter, and he responded, then don’t turn back now! if you do you will always wonder what could have been. i agree to start small, maybe meet for coffee every now and then and see if something develops and if you can adjust to the idea of having a father “later in life”. i won’t get him super involved in the wedding, but just having his support sounds like something that will be special for you:) good luck and try to be openminded- regardless of your past relationship or things might get acward!

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