I am an Older Bee (over 50)
And I am not a fan of a woman paying or contributing to her own ERing.
Beyond having a traditional view point on this, I am big believer that it should be 100% a Gift to the Woman as part of “The Proposal” to be a married couple.
I grew up with the belief that in Modern Times this is one of the few things that is ALL about the Man. His territory. That men take great pride in this element of asking a woman to marry them (ties back into their “Hunting” Nature… and providing etc)
And in some way every man (worth marrying) should be able to organize himself enough to save up and make such a “sacrifice” in his life to make The Ring & Proposal happen.
When a woman offers to pay or contribute she is changing the dynamic of the relationship, and that ultimately the man will see her differently… and perhaps take her for granted etc.
I know that NONE OF THIS appears to make any sense on the surface… but I also know that a lot of things about Men & Women are genetic and hard to explain to begin with.
I certainly know first hand that in my First Marriage I was a very modern thinking progressive woman (1980s) who poo-pooed all this infomation.
My First Hubby took out a loan for my Bridal Set, and in the end when we moved in together it was I who was making the bulk of the payments (so essentially buying my own ring)
I also know what my Elders told me about his INTEREST in providing for me came to pass…
He Just Wasn’t That Into It… not that he expected me contribute my share (I was very happy to do that)… BUT that he wasn’t that interested in contributing his !!
He truly saw Marriage as something that should be more in his favour, than mine, or OURS.
He benefited from the status position, my money, my time & energy, my homemaking skills, and my wilingness to raise the kids. He was a good father, a shitty husband, and a piss poor provider… in that he saw ALL the money that came into the home as HIS… even the stuff I brought in. It was most definitely a case of what was his was his, what was mine was his too. And there was no real ours, despite my understanding that to be so. Stuff I sadly didn’t truly comprehend until we got our Divorce 20+ years later.
So ya, I learned my lesson the hard way.
I now have a whole different of what Marriage should look like (not 50/50 but rather 100/100) and that a successful marriage happens when 2 people decide to bring ALL THAT THEY HAVE… to the table and share it equally… so no more I pay 50% and you pay 50%… but rather… We put all in to equal 100% and then divide up from there 50/50
I’ve learned that if a man cannot show his willingness to PUT ALL IN thru the purchase of an ERing then he probably isn’t going to be that willing to do down the road.
And when I talk to men about this issue… the ones who truly are head over heels, say they would never ask their women to pay / contribute… they would be offended by that… they see their women as worthy of the honour of such a gift.
So ya, it could be traditional thinking… it could be nature (or even nurture)
All I know is when I see Marriages that are working 25 years on, it is usually a case of where the guy was head over heels, he “created” an environment where the woman felt comfortable, and was willing to provide for her without reservation in times when she needed him the most and wasn’t able to provide for herself … such as having & raising kids.
To me “The Proposal” and “The Ring” are part of that process…
And as my Elders said, part of the evidence of that commitment and the understanding that goes along with that.
And in my mind it doesn’t have to be a mega ring… it just has to be the symbolic gesture of the guy being able to save up, organize it, and get it done… Period.
Hope this helps,