GF snoops, BF sets up fake proposal.

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: If you were the GF, would you dump him?
    Yes; a fake proposal is cruel. : (36 votes)
    48 %
    No; I deserved the wake up call. : (22 votes)
    29 %
    Yes; NOT because of his fake proposal set up. Snooping is a sign of a greater issue. : (12 votes)
    16 %
    Other - commenting now! : (5 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 16
    453 posts
    Helper bee

    He wasn’t at all interested in making her stop snooping or verifying that she’s stopped snooping.  This elaborate hoax was all about punishing her.  


    Post # 17
    692 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2020

    ESH (Everyone sucks here)

    She looked at his ipad and lied when confronted about it. Perhaps she has been waiting a long time or has other reasons to distrust him, but snooping is not productive unless the goal is to gather information needed to confront or leave a secretive partner. I think there is a line between privacy and secrecy in a relationship, so I do distinguish between habitual snooping and following up on unusual behavior to identify potential dealbreakers that a partner is hiding. While there’s no way to be sure from the OP, this seems to be a case of habitual snooping if she refused to talk about it.

    Meanwhile he set her up to catch her out and punish her. He doesn’t mention leaving her, so snooping doesn’t seem to be a dealbreaker for him. So presumably he wants to continue the relationship. In that case, being deceitful and making her feel shitty likely isn’t going to resolve her snooping habit in the long term. She will probably be embarrassed for awhile, but if her habit was based on distrust rather than some more benign boredom or nosiness, then that distrust is likely to worsen now that her SO has openly deceived her. 

    That said, I think it would be best if she did leave him after this. Not because she is right and he is wrong, but because neither seem interested in resolving this productively, so it would be the path of least resistance for her to just use the indignation to justify ending the relationship. 

    Post # 18
    488 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2005

    He says “confronted later,” which means to me he didnt directly confront the issue. Instead he hatched a plan. 

    Obviously she snooped on his account and saw a previous message, but if she was following him through his username and not actually logging into his account is that snooping too? He doesnt specify if she logged back into his account or she simply got his username, because a reddit member herself and followed his threads. 

    Is it snooping if my husband reads my tweets on twitter even though he doesnt follow me? 

    Im of two minds here, you should never snoop but sometimes if someone spends an inordinate amount of time on their ipads and phones, and not communicating, it will make someone suspicious and he himself admits he uses reddit as his private space away from the relationship, what does he mean by this? Is it innocent? Is it not? Is he spending so much time there that his girlfriend is wondering if it really is innocent. (Note: Im not familiar with reddit, so dont know how it actually works.)

    My other thought is this, if she had concerns she should have expressed them.  

    Neither one of them is innocent in this, but he takes it a step further. Instead of confronting her immediately, because he says later in his own post, he sets her up in the worst possible way, by dangling a fake engagement in front of her and then worse spilling the details of it on his reddit account for the world to see. So he humiliates her privately and publicly. Who wants a freakin boyfriend like that would humiliate you publicly for likes and comments on a website?


    Post # 19
    2217 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    She was in the wrong, but I agree with others that his goal of “teaching her a lesson” was fucked up. If this Game of Thrones style sting operation was merely set up to prove she was snooping and lying so he could leave her and be 100% certain about it, that’s one thing.


    But he seemed to enjoy her obvious anticipation and ensuing humiliation afterward. That didn’t sit well with me.



    Post # 20
    137 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2020

    I wouldn’t marry him.

    Post # 21
    1169 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    j_jaye :  I don’t see it that way. I see this as him exacting revenge on his girlfriend.

    There are other ways that this could have been handled, including calling someone out during the intial talk about the ipad and setting clear expectaions regarding boundaries. The reddit post implies that he just asked if she snooped and then he called her out on it after he had exacted his revenge.

    neverbeenstungbee :  I believe that his gf snooped on his DMs from what he describes on the post, but that doesn’t separate the fact that she could have found that post from simply knowing his reddit username. So his revenge plan was based on her finding his public posts under his public username, with the idea being that she is never allowed to use reddit and that she only knows his public username due to looking at his DMs. Definitely not a foolproof way to go about it.

    Plus, coming across his public username or public posts isn’t snooping. If my husband came across my weddingbee account and read my posts on this website, I wouldn’t accuse him of snooping on me. Public posts on a public website are in the public domain. I don’t agree with snooping on DMs, but you can’t post publicly on the internet and expect that to be your space…that’s pretty entitled. Reddit isn’t private.

    notmeeither :  I agree with you that someone who actually wants to marry someone else wouldn’t weaponize the proposal. I also think that someone who is a decent person and in a relationship with someone else wouldn’t want to exact revenge on their partner… which is basically what this guy did.

    Snooping is bad as well, unless both parties consent to it…which would make it not snooping.

    Sounds like they need to break up.

    Post # 22
    390 posts
    Helper bee

    She deserved it.

    I also think he should dump her. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who felt entitled to violate my privacy.

    Post # 23
    1498 posts
    Bumble bee

    I actually think he should have dumped her. 

    Post # 24
    991 posts
    Busy bee

    Frankly it doesn’t matter. She was obviously digging and going through his account and she denied it when he asked her.

    So if she didn’t think it was wrong and didn’t have anything to hide, she probably would have just admitted it then and there

    Not that he’s necessarily in the right, but again, I don’t feel sorry for her at all

    Play stupid games, win stupid prizes franklymydearidont :  

    Post # 25
    1169 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    neverbeenstungbee :  It might not matter to you, but what he did makes him the bigger asshole. And I’m not saying that snooping or lying is okay. In fact, I think both of them are immature assholes, but there are certainly levels of assholery.

    Post # 27
    1169 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    neverbeenstungbee :  Then don’t go back and forth. I’m sharing my opinion based on reading the OP and others’ comments, which I am entitled to do and people do all over this site and the rest of the internet. That’s how a conversation goes. I didn’t ask you to agree with me. Not sure why you seem to see it negatively or as something you need to go back and fort or argue about, but that’s on you.

    ETA: Just saw your post below. I am literally responding to you tagging me at this point.

    I feel like you need to figure out how internet forums and conversations work. It’s normal for people to add to each other’s posts and points over time. It’s not like a black hole where you can say something and expect everyone to share your opinion and no one ever to respond to you.

    Post # 29
    6325 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Ehh I think she kind of deserved it. 

    -She snooped (wrong)

    -She lied when confronted (wrong)

    -She continued to snoop (wrong)

    Honestly I think snooping is soo dumb and too many bees defend it on here. She invaded his privacy, and he played a trick on her. From the OP it sounds like if she had’ve fessed up none of this would have happened. 

    Post # 30
    708 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2020

    Snooping is wrong for sure, but the fact that she lied after being confronted makes it even worse. Was he still an asshole for what he did? Eh, I guess. I think they both have communication issues and need to work on being more honest with each other. Oh, and definitely shouldn’t get married any time soon!

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