Post # 1
My gf got engaged six weeks after I did, and I am so happy for her! She’s not having a public wedding, just immediate family and herself and partner. She is however, having a destination bachelorette party. When we first both got engaged, we discussed bachelorette parties etc, and while I was tempted by the idea of a sun-filled escape, I decided to do something local so that more friends could attend. Additionally, I wanted to save the money it would cost to go somewhere… My fiance and I recently closed on a home together and will be moving in and furnishing it after our honeymoon (which we need to save spending money for). We also are saving for a second car, and will be TTC after the honeymoon, so additional costs will be incurred when I (hopefully) become pregnant. Aaaand he’s getting us a puppy for Christmas. So basically it’s a beautiful, exciting and costly year for us. My gf’s bachelorette party will be $700 between flight and house rental, and I’m assuming we will all pitch in for food, drinks and going out it could be closer to $1000 all in. She’s a good friend of mine, but I worry she judges my financial decisions (we recently booked a vacation to Mexico, she doesn’t know it was on travel points, makes comments about me saving money if I skipped getting lash extensions etc…). It’s not that I can’t afford the bachelorette, it’s that I have other things I would like to allocate my money to this year – and would also like to be able to maybe treat my friends to an awesome local bachelorette party of my own! How do I tell her that I won’t be going??? It would be easier if I plainly couldn’t afford it, but it’s that I want/need to allocate my funds elsewhere…
Post # 2
You don’t have to explain your decisions to her.
Just tell her “I am so disappointed that I won’t be able to attend your bachelorette. With everything that’s happening in our life in the next year, It’s just not possible. Let’s get together for drinks or dinner after you get back so you can tell me all about it.”
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2020 - La Jolla, CA
Agree with pp. you don’t *have* to explain anything to her. Period.
Post # 4
Wait so she is counting your money over a party she isn’t really entitled to, not just for that fact that no one is entitled to a bachelorette let alone a destination one but also she is not inviting anyone to her wedding.
Yeah I would tell her to mind her own business if she won’t accept more than “sorry I can’t make it”. If she pushed I would tell her that it is straight up rude to invite people who are not invited to the wedding to pre-wedding parties, elaborate ones at that.
Post # 5
busybee86 : You’ve already had good advice, so I won’t add anymore. Just wanted to say that this sounds like an incredibly big, fun, and exciting year of your life, and I’m totally jealous you’re getting a puppy. Hope you have an amazing time with these adventures and enjoy every minute of them 🙂
Post # 7
You don’t have to go to the party. What you do with your money and time is your choice and your business.
She is the one choosing to have this OTT bachelorette. It is not reasonable to expect that everyone can come, or would even want to. And not inviting anyone to the wedding either! It seems so self absorbed. Do what is right for you.
Post # 9
You simply tell her
I’m so sorry hun. I really would love to come to your destination Bach buy as you know we just closed on a house and have a few fairly expensive things ahead that we’ve already allocated our money to. I tried to swing it but its just not financially feasible for me at the moment to attend. I however would love to take you out for dinner and drinks to celebrate on your return.
Post # 10
well, u have other priorities and she has to understand that. So tell her. If she doesn’t get it, not sure if she’s truly a friend..
Post # 11
I wouldn’t start listing out all the reasons you can’t go. It sounds defensive and you don’t need to be. Also, the type of person who plans her own destination bachelorette when she’s having a private wedding and is already making comments about how you can cut things out of your life to be able to afford to go, isn’t going to care that you just bought a house or are TTC. All of that is secondary to your ability to throw money at her. I would just tell her that unfortunately you can’t go and leave it at that.
Post # 12
Thanks for all the advice! The situation has now complicated – one of the girls jumped in the email thread and announced that there are cheap flights out of Bellingham (we’re in Vancouver, about 2 hrs away across the border). I think it would still be at least $400-$500 total, but I feel even worse saying no, because it’s really not that much money… Am I a terrible person? Should I just suck it up and go? It’s giving me so much anxiety, and I’m starting to feel resentful – like why should I juggle my finances to go on her Bachelorette when I’m not even doing anything big for my own!?!
Post # 13
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
This is purely your decision. If you want to go, then go. If not, just say “So sorry I won’t be able to make it there’s just so much going on right now. Hope you have an awesome time!”
Post # 14
We all have the right to make decisions about our finances and we don’t owe anyone an explanation. I personally would be annoyed if my friend was commenting on my financial situation and choices.
But that doesn’t mean there won’t be fallout from your actions. I’d be careful in how you handle this, unless you’re ok if the friendship ends. Because as you say it isn’t that you can’t afford it, it’s that it’s not a priority for you.
How close of a friend is this person to you? It sounds like you definitely don’t want to go, even if the price is less. Is it beacuse you wanted a destination bachelorette and aren’t doing it to be considerate of others? Is something else going on?
Post # 15
You don’t need to feel guilt for many reasons. 1) your money is your own to decide what to do with, be it $5 or $5000. 2) destination bachelorettes (in fact, bach’s in general) are 100% unnecessary. 3) As others mentioned, the bride isn’t supposed to host it anyway AND isn’t supposed to invite people to prewedding events when they aren’t invited to the wedding. 4) Logically, you have a lot of financial pulls coming up. Maybe even some you don’t know about (we spent about 10000 to have our baby (after insurance) b/c of an unexpected NICU stay. You just never know what can happen and if you aren’t comfortable spending that money, you shouldn’t spend it.
Don’t make excuses, just say you can’t go and make another suggestion such as taking her out for dinner sometime to celebrate. If she presses, just be a broken record “sorry, it’s just not possible at this time” rather than justifying yourself.