(Closed) GF's Destination Bachelorette Dilemma – HELP!

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
47423 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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busybee86 :  You don’t have to explain your decisions to her.

Just tell her “I am so disappointed that I won’t be able to attend your bachelorette. With everything that’s happening in our life in the next year, It’s just not possible. Let’s get together for drinks or dinner after you get back so you can tell me all about it.”

Post # 3
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2020 - La Jolla, CA

Agree with pp. you don’t *have* to explain anything to her. Period. 

Post # 4
9276 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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busybee86 :  Wait so she is counting your money over a party she isn’t really entitled to, not just for that fact that no one is entitled to a bachelorette let alone a destination one but also she is not inviting anyone to her wedding.

Yeah I would tell her to mind her own business if she won’t accept more than “sorry I can’t make it”. If she pushed I would tell her that it is straight up rude to invite people who are not invited to the wedding to pre-wedding parties, elaborate ones at that.

Post # 5
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

busybee86 :  You’ve already had good advice, so I won’t add anymore. Just wanted to say that this sounds like an incredibly big, fun, and exciting year of your life, and I’m totally jealous you’re getting a puppy. Hope you have an amazing time with these adventures and enjoy every minute of them 🙂

Post # 7
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You don’t have to go to the party. What you do with your money and time is your choice and your business.

She is the one choosing to have this OTT bachelorette. It is not reasonable to expect that everyone can come, or would even want to. And not inviting anyone to the wedding either! It seems so self absorbed. Do what is right for you.

Post # 9
5103 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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busybee86 :  You simply tell her 

I’m so sorry hun. I really would love to come to your destination Bach buy as you know we just closed on a house and have a few fairly expensive things ahead that we’ve already allocated our money to. I tried to swing it but its just not financially feasible for me at the moment to attend. I however would love to take you out for dinner and drinks to celebrate on your return.



Post # 10
890 posts
Busy bee

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busybee86 :  well, u have other priorities and she has to understand that. So tell her. If she doesn’t get it, not sure if she’s truly a friend..

Post # 11
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I wouldn’t start listing out all the reasons you can’t go. It sounds defensive and you don’t need to be. Also, the type of person who plans her own destination bachelorette when she’s having a private wedding and is already making comments about how you can cut things out of your life to be able to afford to go, isn’t going to care that you just bought a house or are TTC. All of that is secondary to your ability to throw money at her.  I would just tell her that unfortunately you can’t go and leave it at that. 

Post # 13
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

This is purely your decision. If you want to go, then go. If not, just say “So sorry I won’t be able to make it there’s just so much going on right now. Hope you have an awesome time!”

Post # 14
822 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

We all have the right to make decisions about our finances and we don’t owe anyone an explanation. I personally would be annoyed if my friend was commenting on my financial situation and choices.

But that doesn’t mean there won’t be fallout from your actions.  I’d be careful in how you handle this, unless you’re ok if the friendship ends.  Because as you say it isn’t that you can’t afford it, it’s that it’s not a priority for you.

How close of a friend is this person to you?  It sounds like you definitely don’t want to go, even if the price is less.  Is it beacuse you wanted a destination bachelorette and aren’t doing it to be considerate of others?  Is something else going on?

Post # 15
6800 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
busybee86 :  You don’t need to feel guilt for many reasons. 1) your money is your own to decide what to do with, be it $5 or $5000.  2) destination bachelorettes (in fact, bach’s in general) are 100% unnecessary.  3) As others mentioned, the bride isn’t supposed to host it anyway AND isn’t supposed to invite people to prewedding events when they aren’t invited to the wedding. 4) Logically, you have a lot of financial pulls coming up.  Maybe even some you don’t know about (we spent about 10000 to have our baby (after insurance) b/c of an unexpected NICU stay.  You just never know what can happen and if you aren’t comfortable spending that money, you shouldn’t spend it.

Don’t make excuses, just say you can’t go and make another suggestion such as taking her out for dinner sometime to celebrate.  If she presses, just be a broken record “sorry, it’s just not possible at this time” rather than justifying yourself.

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