Post # 16
I have ghosted and been ghosted after a first date…does that even count as ghosting though? Like I’ve gone on a bad date and just ignored follow up texts from the guy the next day. Probably I should have just sent a straightforward “thanks but no thanks” – but after just one date I’m not sure it really matters.
Otherwise, I haven’t really been ghosted so much as slow faded lol. I’ve never had a guy just totally go dark on me – I’ve had them slowly pull back after a few dates to the point where I only hear from them if I initiate a text….which at that point I would simply take the hint and let it go. I have def pulled the slow fade myself too (again, this is a tactic for short term dating, not serious relationships!). Sometimes I think it is actually kinder to let your actions speak louder than words. Like I would probably rather someone I’ve been casually dating for a few weeks show me through a slow fade that they’re not interested, than have them do some kind of formal breakup. Somehow I feel like that is easier. Everyone is different though – I’m sure a lot of people would rather just hear the blunt truth straight up!
I think completely ghosting someone after you’ve been on more than a couple dates is shitty and cowardly though.
Post # 17
I think it is a childish thing to do. It has never happened to me, nor have I ever done it to anyone else.
I can see younger people doing it, because they do not have that maturity. But, unless you have some sort of stalkerish activity from someone, there is no reason to do it.
Post # 18
I had a guy ghost me once, many years ago. We went out on what I would call a very successful first date. We went to dinner and then ended up at my place afterward. There was lots of kissing going on, but nothing more than that. Lots of sparks, I have to say. And… it seemed like mutual attraction.
I never heard from him after that date and I couldn’t stand it because we both seemed into one another SO…. I called him. I never call guys, but I called him. I said, ‘ I thought that we both had a good time on our date, and I was hoping to hear from you again. Did I misinterpret something?’ He said, ‘ Sorry, I’ve had the flu, which was why I didn’t call. I will call you once I am feeling better.’ His voice sounded heavy, like he was congested when we were talking so I believed him.
I never heard from him again. I was bummed about it. I rarely feel sparks like that, so I was disappointed when it happened.
Post # 19
guys have ghosted on me tons- then months later they’d always hit me up like it was nothing lol like “oh yeah sorry we lost touch, I got really busy”. Whatever, loser, bye! Guys think ghosting leaves the door open for future possibilities because the door was never officially closed. I hate that game.
I’ve only ghosted on guys who I felt couldn’t handle a break up, I felt unsafe telling them. Otherwise I always try to stay respectful “I dont think we’re meant to be together but thank you and good luck in life”
Post # 20
Ghosting is in no way a “new” thing. It just has a new name.
I don’t think hurtful honesty is preferable to ghosting, at least in the very early stages of a relationship. By ghosting, I don’t mean being rude enough not to reply. But I’ve been busy or had an excuse for not wanting to go on that second or third date. I think it’s kinder for people to imagine that it’s nothing personal than to take away all doubt. Once a relationship is more established then I agree it’s no longer appropriate.
Post # 21
Is ghosting limited to giving no exact wording that it’s over or does it include saying it’s over and never replying to the person again? It just occured to me that the latter could also be seen as ghosting since the person is esentially disappearing as well.
Post # 22
Not into it. It seems selfish, as the ghoster saves himself one uncomfortable moment at the expense of the ghosted one, who will probably feel confused for quite some time.
Post # 23
crumbledoreos : imo it’s only the former. it’s the total lack of explanation/closure. cutting off contact after explaining why is entirely different.. both in my opinion and in how the term is used.
and i thought it was harsh when my boyfriend back in college let me know we were breaking up by changing our relationship status on FB in the middle of the night. (so I woke up to the status + the comments from curious friends..)
Post # 24
3 friends and a person after talking a bit after a first date. I let them go. The people who care about me will stay around, the rest can filter themselves out.
Post # 25
- Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK
A friend of 10 years did this to me and it hurt like hell. Made me wonder if I was the problem, what I had said etc. A year later she posted on Facebook for the first time in a few years (she hadn’t unfriended me) that she had lost 4 stone, went to the gym every day and was eating clean. She said she’d had to cut all the people out of her life who weren’t as focused as her and not “living in a fitness world.” Weird but was good to find out I guess. For the record I’m fairly slim and healthy but I used to see her for dinner and drinks a lot. I would have very much appreciated a text at the time. It’s really not that hard.
Post # 26
countingstars : ghosting is really common with online dating. But the one that bothered me the most was a guy I was seeing for about 6 months. After a couple of months, he moved away so it became a long distance thing still really casual. We would text daily every night. I saw him once or twice after he moved (he still traveled back for work) but after a Christmas day message to me he vanished. At first I was worried and then I realized what had happened. It really bothered me for like months.
I find ghosting is such a cowards way out. I’d prefer a it was great, it’s not working anymore text because that’s easier to deal with than not knowing.
Post # 27
I’ll respectfully disagree with anyone who thinks ghosting after only one date or less than 6 weeks of seeing one another is ok. I don’t think it’s ok (unless you’re too scared to dump a stalker type). People deserve the simple courtesy of a goodbye so they’re not sitting around waiting and wondering what happened and if they’ll hear from you again.
As for people who say it’s sometimes kinder to just ghost and not hurt someone’s feelings:
a. Being ghosted in and of itself hurts. Someone left your life with no explanation.
b. You can say goodbye without pinning in it on the person you’re saying bye too. You could say a simple, “I need to be honest. I don’t see a future between us. Take care.”
c. It’s really not that hard and gives closure.
Post # 28
Yeah, I’ve had it done to me a few times with dating. I don’t think it was more than a month or two of dating, so it wasn’t really that painful. I still wish the guys that did it would have spared me the nerves of waiting to see if they would call though. Just a short text would have done!
I ghosted an old friend once. I still feel awful about it. It was an odd friendship – we met through work and this person just decided we’re besties, and I didn’t really have a way to avoid them so I put up with it. It wasn’t a big deal anyway to hang out together sometimes. It wasn’t a big deal until it was… our lives went in very different directions through no fault of anyone’s, I started feeling like every time we talk I’m apologizing for my life, and trying to make myself sound miserable so she doesn’t feel bad. We also had some friends in common, which caused some sensitive situations to go very wrong and made us both resent each other. And then one day I had to share some big news with her, and it was something I was struggling to share with others in general, and I was dreading the call so much I kept putting it off. And then it snowballed. At that point we didn’t have the work relationship any more, so i just disappeared from her life. Of course I know it was awful. But how in the world do you say to someone that no, you don’t want them to know anything about your life because it makes you feel icky all over for days every time you talk?
Post # 29
I haven’t ghosted anyone but I’ve been ghosted; mostly by one date only dudes. 4 months is a real emotional investment, being ghosted at that point is brutal.
Post # 30
I’ve never ghosted anyone. That said, in my younger dating days, I recognized that I had a really hard time letting people know I wasn’t interested, and so would sometimes wait longer than I should to end it. Those conversations gave me legitimate anxiety, even through text, but once I had someone treat me that way I realized I needed to get over my fear of confrontation and just be honest.