Ghosting: has it happened to you or have you done it?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Choose all that apply:
    I have been ghosted once. : (33 votes)
    17 %
    I have been ghosted more than once. : (33 votes)
    17 %
    I have never been ghosted. : (25 votes)
    13 %
    I have ghosted once. : (32 votes)
    16 %
    I have ghosted more than once. : (47 votes)
    24 %
    I have never ghosted anyone. : (24 votes)
    12 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    293 posts
    Helper bee

    I have been ghosted once a few years back. I met someone on OKCupid and we dated exclusively for about two months- I met his parents, we were sleeping together, and had a trip to Florida planned (hotel and flights bought) for March 2015. Valentines Day weekend, he canceled dinner plans with me and said he would see me the next day (he was a cop and said he was stuck at work- not unusual). He never showed up, and never answered my calls/texts over the next few days. At first I was worried that something happened to him, but then I noticed he deleted me from Facebook, deleted every pic of us together,  and when I checked the status of our flight tickets, saw that he had canceled the tickets and already rebooked another flight with his ticket (I luckily was able to earn a flight voucher off his dime since he bought the tickets….).  

    It was SO bizarre and I really struggled with it for a good two months. I think it’s a terrible shitty thing to do at any point, especially when you have agreed to being exclusive and are in your late 20s. Ugh it still pisses me off when I think about it  

    Happily, I met my husband 8 months after the ghosting. We were married in May and are expecting a baby girl in October 🙂 

    Post # 32
    Member
    2433 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: NJ

    Oh yes, I did most of my dating in the 80’s, and that was the way guys ended relationships and dating situations, just cease contact and avoid. With me, anyway. Happened plenty. 

    I used to call them and make them talk to me one last time. I figured, why let them off easy, just disappear and be off the hook ? I made them squirm one last time. I delivered a few insults, they felt uncomfortable, and that was my version of closure.

    Post # 33
    Member
    1587 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    countingstars :  I was kinda ghosted before by a guy I met online, after I told him how tall I was (he was shorter than me). The feeling was pretty mutual so I didn’t really care.

    I also ghosted a couple guys I casually talked to but had never actually met in person. One told me he had a weird fetish that I was not into so I just stopped responding. The other was only talking about sexual stuff which wasn’t what I was looking for. 

    Then there was a guy I actually went on a few dates with that I ended up ghosting because he wouldn’t leave me alone. I tried telling him I didn’t think things would work out because our views and morals were just not in line, but he was pretty persistent. He went out of his way to try and talk to me. Blocked him on my phone, he started blowing me up on fb messenger, blocked him on that so he made a snapchat account – I wouldn’t add that account back, so he made a snapchat account under one of my friends names..creepy!, blocked that account so he made a random whatsapp account and messaged me, so I blocked that account and set it to where only my friends could message me. This went on for months. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    6805 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    I was ghosted once. It was my first dating experience after I broke up with my long term college boyfriend. I met this guy one night at a bar and we seemed to hit it off. We exchanged numbers. We dated for about a month or so. He was super sweet and seemed into me. We never had a discussion about being in a relationship, but it seemed it was heading that way. Then one day we had plans to go out on a Saturday night (he made the plans) and I just got a really bad feeling that he was no longer into me. And I was right. He never showed up for our date and never responded to a single one of my calls/texts. I never saw or heard from him again! Have no clue what happened there.

    Post # 35
    Member
    9806 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    I ghosted a guy once. But it was after a pretty horrible first date where he told me all about his history of drug abuse and cheating on all of his girlfriends.

    Post # 36
    Member
    3050 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    I’ve ghosted twice. 

    The first was when I was pretty young and was just figuring out about sexuality and processing my own with finally having the knowledge to begin to understand myself. I became close to someone whom was “out” to all in our school and I did have a private more intimate relationship at the time going on which no one knew of. She knew my family situation was difficul. On the outside, I didn’t appear with her any different than anyone else of my social circle that was straight. In any case, seeing us hang out together and her sexuality being known was enough for a sibling to vindictively run to my parents at the time and basically “out” me. 

    To say that it went badly would have been an understatement. I’m not going to go into too much detail about it but the events were bad enough to the point I was too traumatized to continue processing it further for many years to come. I basically suppressed everything and closed up. I confided to her about what transpired so she knew and I know she probably knows why I went MIA after that. After all, she was pretty upset to hear about it. That was one of the last communication I had with her before being transferred and my number being changed. It was unfortunate and I wish I did not cease contact because, while I don’t think we ever would have made what we were more or kept it at what it was, she would have been a dear person to keep as a friend and I cared for her a great deal.

    I can’t put it easily the alienation that occurred from my outing incident and also the fear of what would happen with resuming contact while still being a minor and stuck in my family home. I ran into her years later and we caught up for a quick moment. There was no tension and it was good to see her well. So, I guess that gave me a little bit of peace for how things transpired.

    The second time was when I finally chose to go no contact with my toxic family. I do not have any negative feelings about this. Everyone’s way of going NC with a toxic person is different and personal to individual situations. I didn’t owe anyone anything at that point and really it shouldn’t have been any surprise with the things that had happened at that time. Though I went into it ghosting, it didnt quite work for my situation later on when harassment didn’t cease at which point other measures were taken.

    Post # 37
    Member
    6441 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I’ve been ghosted once, I was a sophomore in college.  No big deal.  Got over it quickly.

    Post # 38
    Member
    7814 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    countingstars :  Eh, I think in most cases I would honestly rather be ghosted after a first date than have someone tell me “I’m not into you.” I feel like it’s more dignified somehow lol. Like your failure to ever contact me again sends a very unambiguous message. I really don’t need more than that to know where we stand.

    Post # 39
    Member
    12096 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    countingstars :  I think a whole generation has been brainwashed by reality TV dating shows into thinking honesty is always better than a white lie intended to spare someone’s feelings. It used to be considered quite rude to tell someone you just met exactly why you don’t want to see them again. It still is.

    I see nothing wrong with not calling someone after a date or being unavailable a time or two. If someone is more persistent or does not readily pick up on cues then you may have no choice but to say something. At least keep it vague. Saying you are not able to pursue things is far kinder than telling someone exactly why you think they are a poor match or that having spent time with them you can only see them as a friend. That’s just cruel. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    147 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I was ghosted once and it was one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me. I had recently graduated from college and got my first job. There was a large group of contractors working there. These guys basically would go around and work some place for 6 months to a year sometimes even a couple years and once the work was complete they would move.

    One of the contractors started showing interest in me. I was very hesitant because a) he was a contractor who would be eventually leaving b) he was 13 years older than me and c) I had just been burned by a guy at the end of school. But despite all of this I accepted when he asked me out. We quickly started dating and spent pretty much all out time together, at work and outside of work.

    Then three months later we found out that his work at the company was ending and all the contractors would be leaving. We made all sort of plans about when I would go see him (about a 2 hour plane ride) and he would come back and see me. It seemed like it had a chance to work out and all his reassuring made me believe we could do it.

    We texted every day when he first got home and talked on the phone every couple days. Then two months after he left he said he was going on a hunting trip and that service would be spotty and I probably wouldn’t hear from him for about a week. Five days into his hunting trip he made it into town and called me to tell me everything was going great and he was headed back home in two days and that he would talk to me then. That was the last I talked to him. After about four days I text him and asked if he made it home alright. Then I called him a couple days after that and left a message asking him to please at least text me to let me know he was alright. I got nothing. I knew the name of his sister so I looked her up and her phone # was online so I called her. I explained who I was and asked if he had gotten back from his hunting trip okay because I was worried. She was very irritated that I called and said “ummm yeah he is fine” I was so embarrassed that this woman had no idea who I was that I quickly hung up.

    I knew pretty early on what was happening, I was being ghosted and it was terrible. How terrible to be on a HUNTING trip and ghost someone. I would sit at home and cry all day until I had to go to work. Shortly after that I got laid-off from my job…needless to say it wasn’t the best point in my life. I would not let myself call or text him, I deleted his number out of my phone and tried my best to move forward.

    A year later I had gotten a new much better job and had just started dating my now husband and I got a text from a random # saying “I know you probably hate me but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and I hope you’re doing well” I got a sick feeling in my stomach and instantly deleted it.

     

    Post # 41
    Member
    1149 posts
    Bumble bee

    Can someone clarify ghosting a bit more to me? Is it different than the slowly talk less and less and have nothing in common so you don’t talk anymore? Is it suddenly stop replying out of the blue? Or is it ditching/flaking on plans and ever turn up again? All/none/combination of the above? What type of ceasing communication qualifies?

    Post # 43
    Member
    12096 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    countingstars :  What kind of explanation do you think is appropriate for someone who goes on a date or two and is turned off by something about that person? 

    Post # 44
    Member
    101 posts
    Blushing bee

    “Some of you have said you said goodbye and the guy kept contacting you and ignored it. To me, that isn’t ghosting. That’s someone not taking a hint.”

    That’s technically a form of ghosting as well. Ghosting is the act of disappearing. Saying you’re not interested and never replying again doesn’t answer the questions for the dumpee. Some people need that closure of an actual conversation.

    I always found it rude when you’re having a conversation and someone says bye and doesn’t wait for you to say bye back. Kind of like that with texting you’re leaving and never replying again.

    If someone stops talking to you, that’s also a hint. I’d say after a week, one should realize the person isn’t coming back. If he/she does, unless there is a good excuse, move on. There are other fishies in the sea that won’t keep you waiting around.

     

    Post # 45
    Member
    1000 posts
    Bumble bee

    I ghosted a guy once. I’m generally against such behavior but he was beginning to get scary/stalkery and I felt there was no other option. I didn’t even get a chance to “break-up” properly. His scariness went from 0-100 really quick and I didn’t want to chance that he would huirt me. 

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