Post # 1
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
We got married last year and my husband’s friend and his fiance were unable to attend our wedding (it was out of state). We did not receive a card or gift from them. I haven’t harbored any bad feelings about this until now. I know it depends on the person but we happen to know this couple believes that it is appropriate to send a gift even if you don’t attend a wedding.
Fast forward to this month and now they are getting married. We are attending their wedding out of state. What should we do for a gift? I feel a little upset towards spending our usual amount of a gift. My fiance wants to “call it even” and not get anything but mention it to his friend. I don’t feel right about that and just want to suck it up and get them a gift.
Any suggestions on what we should do?
Post # 3
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
Get them something, but not on the lavish side. I think you’ll feel better if you do.
Post # 4
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
@solaneoh: Either tell them that you felt hurt by their behavior or don’t go to the wedding–this passive-aggressive behavior is just childish
Post # 5
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
I would get them a gift, but I would get them something small off their registry. It’s not quite the same situation in my eyes, since you’ll be attending their wedding when they didn’t go to yours. Yes, etiquette says to buy wedding gifts if you go to a wedding or not, but you’ll actually be costing them money by eating their food and drinking their drinks.
Post # 6
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
You’re attending their wedding so you need to give them a gift. While you may think that they know the etiquate behind not attending/gifting, maybe they don’t. The fact of the matter is, they didn’t attend your wedding so they didn’t cost you a penny. A gift would have been nice but it is what it is. You are attending their wedding so they’re paying to wine and dine you. A gift is necessary. How much you spend is up to you but I wouldn’t short change them just because they didn’t attend your wedding and send you a gift.
Post # 7
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
@solaneoh: Maybe I’m mean, but I wouldn’t get them anything. I might get a card if I felt bad, but I wouldn’t put money/a gift card/etc. in it. Then again, I don’t let etiquette dictate everything I do (especially if the other person/couple doesn’t follow it). I feel like, if you weren’t important enough to them to receive a gift, they shouldn’t be important enough to you for you to give them one. Personally, I think it is nice that you are going to the wedding at all, and, most likely, nicer than I would be.
Post # 8
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
@sylvia.riggle: I disagree. I would never tell someone that I was upset that I didn’t get a gift, especially when they didn’t attend my wedding. That would be exceptionally rude.
Post # 9
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
Gifts are always an option and never required, so it is ok that they didn’t give you a gift – especially if they didn’t attend the wedding to begin with. You shouldn’t hold that against them.
That being said, since gift ARE an option you may choose to get them whatever you can afford. If you would normally get them a gift, then get them a gift. It doesn’t need to be extravagant.
@sylvia.riggle: Um, no. You never call out someone who didn’t give you a gift. That is super rude.
Post # 10
Member
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Just get them something in expensive, you can buy something on sale
Post # 11
Member
13953 posts
Honey Beekeeper
While it would have been nice to send a gift, they didn’t actually attend your wedding, so I don’t think they were even required to send a gift. They didn’t cost you anything. It’s childish to try to reciprocate not gifting, especially when you are attending the wedding. I think you should forget that they didn’t give you anything and move on.
Post # 12
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
@futuremrsfitz18: It’s much much ruder to attend their wedding sans a gift in a petty attempt to get back at them
If your pent up rage at this slight is so severe that it threatens to eclipse the friendship then yes you should say something or abandon the friendship—not take little jabs at each other passive aggressively
Post # 14
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
I think you should give them a gift because you are attending their wedding.
If you weren’t, I would say to not send a gift. You can compromise. If for instance you usually spend 50 on a wedding gift, only spend 200 on their gift.
However not giving a gift if you are attending is uncalled for.
Post # 15
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
@sylvia.riggle: Totally agree with this.
IMO it’s unreasonable to be upset that they didn’t give you a gift for a wedding they didn’t even attend. But if your husband must hold a grudge, either air his grievance now or decline their invitation. If you DO attend the wedding, you should both go graciously with a heart full of happiness for the couple, and give them a nice gift. This is Etiquette 101.
Post # 16
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
Get them a gift! I don’t base my gift giving on others… See it as an opportunity to bless them! Give them a gift like you would’ve wanted from them 🙂
