(Closed) Gift for family member that eloped

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
46607 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Kisetsu23:  I would treat them the same way as I would any other couple who gets married.

You can always send them a gift card for a store that you know will come in handy for them, so you aren’t just exchanging cash gifts.

Post # 3
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

As somone who recently eloped, I felt awkward accepting gifts seeing as I was not hosting. I would call them and tell them you would love to get them a gift. See what they say, my parents ended up forcing us to make a registry so if anyone really insisted, I would tell them how I felt awkward not hosting but that my parents had insisted we do this. I only told family about the registry. If they haven’t done anything like that maybe they could use a gift card to a store such as lowes or home depot? 

That being said, I don’t think there is anything wrong with just giving them cash, the amount you would give any other cousin. I don’t think it’s like you borrowed money, it’s just a matter of timing. If she was married two years from now would you feel weird about it? That’s what I would’ve done before eloping, and truthfully as someone who recently eloped way less awkward than having people really pressure you into registering. 

Post # 4
2323 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

I would send them a nice holiday basket of treats from harry & david, a champagne/ wine gift basket, or Lore’s chocolate. something extravagant and celebratory, just in time for the holidays.

Post # 5
1929 posts
Buzzing bee

where I’m from no wedding = no gift

Post # 6
8682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m confused why you would think sending a monetary gift would be silly? I think you should get a nice card, pop a cheque in with it and send it. The amount is up to you.

You aren’t obligated to give a gift, you never are even if invited to an actual wedding, but it is a really nice thing to do.

Post # 7
1696 posts
Bumble bee

It would be silly, wouldn’t it, to give a monetary gift in the same amount — like paying back a one-month loan. And giving a different amount would be even more awkward. This is why traditional good manners prohibit money-gifts between people who are at the same stage in their lives and the same economic position. Only a very-much older person, or a much wealthier person, can give a money gift with perfect propriety and without awkwardness, except of course for the very-stylized giving dictated by some ethnic traditions. Despite the frequency with which one reads on these boards that “everybody knows that money is always a good gift”, it is not always a good gift and some brides with very traditional values do find money gifts offensive.

Traditional good manners also prohibit creating any association between gift-giving, and the receipt of hospitality. Hospitality is a near-sacred value, that ought never to be reduced to a tit-for-tat commercial transaction. People give wedding gifts because they love the married couple and want to celebrate their joy and to share in some small way in their happiness, not because they are expecting a night out. Part of the reason that gifts are most properly delivered to the bride’s home, rather than being carried into the reception, is to prevent the perception that you are paying in-kind for the cost of your dinner and dancing.

I assume that you have already searched by the couple’s name on the popular wedding registry sites. You can call up the bride’s mother or her best friend and ask whether there is a registry, what the bride’s china and silver patterns are (if any), and what the new couple needs.Failing that there are a few things that most households can use that you can resort to: a good quality kitchen knife or carving set or a good quality serving tray being my go-to gifts for brides who are not close family with a tea-pot or soup-tureen being my go-to gift when I want to spend a bit more money.

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