(Closed) Gift Giving Ettiquet… I know this is a hot topic but curious bout one thing!

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Would you Send a gift if you were not able to attend the wedding???
    I Would only if I were very close to the bride and groom. : (69 votes)
    46 %
    I usually do not send a gift if we cannot attend the wedding : (18 votes)
    12 %
    We give a gift regarless : (59 votes)
    39 %
    OOooooooo shiney things........ POLL! : (5 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 17
    701 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @Gemstone:  +1.


    We send a larger check/giftcard to those we are close with vs. a distant family member that we’ve never met.

    Post # 18
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Although technically from an Etiquette point of view one does not have to send a gift if one doesn’t attend… I do.

    In my social circle that tends to be the norm.

    Gifts tho can be of different value for different couples depending on how well we know / are related to the people in Question.

    My normal range would be $ 25 to $ 200+.

    Hope this helps,


    Post # 19
    1684 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013


    If I wasn’t close to the couple (e.g. it was an ‘obligatory’ invite from a family member) I would probably just send the card and nothing else. 

    You’re giving them two invites for their B-list! (ie the people they really wanted there but had to sacrifice because someone’s mom made so much drama because they weren’t inviting the cousins they haven’t seen in over a decade. 😀 )

    Post # 20
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    TO – Caroheart:  Ouch !!  That would leave a bad taste in my mouth as well.

    I get tiered Receptions as they do happen here in Canada (a hang-over from our UK Roots)… but the point is once you are on-site, you are IN for the duration… another words, no invite to the Ceremony (small, intimate, immediate family only)… maybe not to the Full Dinner Reception (again could be smallish)… BUT get a very warm welcome to join the couple for Dancing & Drinks and Socializing into the wee hours.

    Have been to many such Weddings that are structured that way.

    TONS better than the “heres your hat… hurry” one you went to.  I can see why you feel stung !!


    Post # 21
    204 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @Nona99:  +1 

    If this couple was thoughtful enough to invite you to their wedding and were willing to pay for your meal and entertainment for the evening, then I’d say they definitely should get a gift.  It might not be necessary, but they’ll surely appreciate the gesture.

    Post # 22
    1114 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @Elvis:  I hadn’t thought about it that way but you’re totally right!  Like, I’m not sure whether I’ll be invited to my cousin’s wedding in the spring but I won’t attend, because I don’t know (or let’s be honest particularly like) him.  I’d rather his or his fiancé’s friends were there than me, and I’m sure they would too!  Here’s hoping he has the POV when it comes to my wedding…

    Post # 23
    7172 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Of all our no RSVP’s (maybe 20) we got two gifts.

    I only no RSVP to weddings of people I don’t care to attend.  If I had a conflict or couldn’t travel to be at a wedding I wanted to attend, I’d probably send a gift (but it hasn’t happened yet!).

    Post # 24
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    We got two “No” RSVPs.  His Godparents took us out to a really nice restaurant, then over for dessert and gave us a nice gift (a roasting pan w/ rack – I cannot wait to roast a turkey in that bad boy).  His “best friend” didn’t give us shit other than a whole lot of grief about whether he was coming or not up until two weeks before when numbers were due.  “Can’t get work off, sorry bro.”  Like he would have purchased plane tickets, a hotel, etc…  And not even a card.  A congrats facebook post that my hubs had the sense to just ignore. 

    So – do what you want.  Would going be a burden and you don’t even know why you were invited?  Don’t send a gift.  Are you sorry you can’t make it and want to celebrate with them and give them something to start their lives regardless?  Send a gift.  I’ve done both.

    Post # 25
    814 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I think it varies by where you live, because I’ve never heard of someone not attending a wedding but still giving a gift.

    Post # 26
    1789 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @MeiFrancis:  Damn! I would have been more than peeved!

    Post # 27
    9053 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    @fishbone:  I agree. If I have not so much seen as much as a smoke signal from the bride/groom in however many years… No gift. Casual coworker, maybe 20 bucks in a card. Actual wedding that we really wanted to go to and would have gifted 150-200 I usually subtract $100 and send the rest (flame me if you will, but the $100 was meant to “cover my plate”). 

    Post # 28
    1091 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    It depends for me on how close I am to the couple.  Fiance and I have declined a couple wedding where we honestly said to ourselves “the one of us who knows this person hasn’t seen him/her in 10 years and didn’t even know they were dating anyone, let alone getting married, why are we invited and where did they get our address??”  Those, we just say no thanks and move on.  If it’s like a cousin’s wedding we legitimately can’t make, we do send a smaller, but definitely still substantial, gift (where we might give $250 if we went, we’d give $150). 

    Post # 29
    3941 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    We have a rule of thumb.  If we can’t make it, we send a $50 gift from the two of us.  If we do go, we spend $100 on a gift from the two of us.

    So, we always send a gift. 

    edit:  I also always send a gift to a bridal shower if I can’t make it.

    Post # 30
    13848 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I always give a gift regardless if I can attend or not.  I give more if we attend, usually, but I wouldn’t not give a gift because my schedule didn’t work out with their wedding date!

    Post # 31
    347 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I always give a gift if I can’t attend a wedding. I had some family members get married pretty far away, and it isn’t their fault that I didn’t have enough vacation time at work, or the money to pay for airfare/accommodations, etc. I’ll usually send $100 when I can’t attend.

    I also always send a gift when I cannot attend a bridal shower. I’ll usually purchase something from their registry and have it delivered.

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