Gifting the same amount

posted 4 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

We honestly don’t keep any sort of tabs on gifting.  Your Mother-In-Law is entitled to gift whatever quantity of gifts she wants, same as your parents, without necessarily thinking it is “even”.  I would just graciously accept the gifts she sends and not give it another thought.

Post # 4
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee

When you stop associating Christmas with gifts, you’ll stop harboring resentment and hurt feelings. 

Post # 6
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

My parents and in-laws gifted the same way she is doing.  More gifts to their own child, fewer to the in-law.  I don’t see any problem with that at all.  I think you are being petty for getting upset over that. 

Post # 8
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

Of course family is family, but it’s always going to be different considering she raised him and not you. I’d just let it go and move on – she did way more for you than most MILs do for their DILs. Be thankful for a loving, thoughtful Mother-In-Law and stop focusing on if gifts are equal. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you or care about you – she very clearly does.

Post # 9
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

View original reply
@hungbythechimmney:  This is one of those situations where it depends on the situation. I think if this is a case where you got married later and met your in laws later in life or you barely see your in laws then the discrepancy might make sense since they don’t know you as well.

But if it’s a case as you say it is where you are close with your in laws or have known them for a while or you started dating really young than it’s a little weird to gift so differently. For example if you have a relationship with your Mother-In-Law outside of your husband or you have been a part of the family for years and see them all the time then yes gifts should be generally equal..I’m not saying to the cent but definitely your husband shouldn’t be getting 6 gifts addressed just to him and you get just one. Yes that’s hurtful.

 

Of course Christmas isn’t just about gifts but it’s about the principle about being treated like a part of the family. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you could be the mother of their grandchild one day and without in laws they couldn’t have a grandchild. I think if this much of a discrepancy keeps happening your husband needs to nicely address it with his mom that she either treats you both like members of the family and gift both of you about equal or don’t bother giving gifts to either of you.

 

Because with a gift amount that huge your Mother-In-Law definitely knows what she is doing. Gifting differently to in laws vs actual child looks like maybe one gets say $150 worth of gifts and the other gets $125 worth of gifts not one getting $150 and the other getting $50 worth of gifts. 

Also, the fact that you take the time out to include your own gifts to both your in laws and make it equal it’s shitty the way they are treating you with gift giving. What does your husband say about it?

Post # 10
Member
13908 posts
Honey Beekeeper

My parents and in laws treat both of us the same as one of their own when it comes to gifts and have from the time we were engaged. If H’s parents were not the kind of people they are I have no doubt he’d say something to them. He’d ask them to treat us similarly and if it came to that to please not gift at all. Obviously things aren’t always exact and don’t have to be. 

Post # 11
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

View original reply
@sgmcdowe:  Of course you’re always going to feel differently to your blood child that you raised I get that but you try not to show that IMO. She could have easily given a couple more gifts to her DIL to make it a little more equal. How is giving one gift to your DIL and five gifts to your son showing that she “obviously cares about her” that isn’t how most loving MILs treat their DILs?

It’s kind of like every grandparent may secretly have their favorite grandchild but when it comes to gift giving you try to gift equally in the general vicinity. Maybe it’s a difference in how I was raised or what people do around here. But here once married you’re welcome into a family with open arms and heart and as long as you are a decent person and you treat the family well you are seen as part of the family and not just some “in law” that your child is married to.

I think everyone is missing the mark here that it isn’t just a difference by one or two gifts. That would be a petty thing for OP to complain about. This is a difference of twice the amount according to OP. That’s a very obvious slight and Mother-In-Law damn well knows what she is doing.

Post # 12
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

View original reply
@weddingmaven:  Yeah that’s how I see it too. Luckily both my parents and in laws gift equally. But if my parents have say my husband say one thing and me six things although my husband may not say it he would be hurt and I would be offended on his behalf and I would definitely not hesitate to tell my parents hey either gift be more considerate with gifting a little more equally or don’t give us anything.

 

I mean who wants to sit there watching someone open up a ton of gifts from the same person while they open up one or two? I’m not saying equal to the penny but at least try to make the effort to be a little more equal.

Post # 13
Member
2202 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

My mum and Mother-In-Law treat us both the same. My dad will gift me significantly more than DH. My dad and DH probably have a better relationship than I do with my dad, when we visit my family, he’ll carve out some time to do something with my dad. They go cycling together, go to football together. He doesn’t get upset because he understands my dad’s rationale is to be closer to your own blood children.

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