Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Darling Husband and I were invited to a wedding at the beginning of August. The folks getting married are a male coworker of his and his Fiance, a woman I’ve met once or twice socially but don’t really know much about. We have not yet sent back our RSVP. I checked out their wedding website today, and they have FIVE REGISTRIES. The couple already lives together, they’re both employed, they’re not moving or buying a house, but they feel the need for …
– One for the bridal shower (lingerie, handbags, jewelry, bride stuff)
– One for cash only (PayPal)
– One for the honeymoon (“Buy us an experience!”)
– One at Macy’s (EXTREMELY expensive crystal and cookware)
– One at Restoration Hardware Home Decor ($1500+ worth of luxury linens)
I realize registries are kind of controversial on the Bee (especially cash ones), and I have strong opinions about them myself (cash = tacky, multiple registries if you’re already living together = multiplied tacky). Still, I am happy to buy a helpful gift for people I love, and would do the polite thing and buy a small token for someone whose wedding I’m attending because it would because it would be imprudent not to. But this is ridiculous. Darling Husband says it’s important for us to go, so even though I’d rather not, I’m fine deferring to his preference on this one. I want to bring a nice card and leave it at that. He thinks showing up completely empty-handed would be borderline rude and wants to bring a bottle of wine or perhaps a cheque for $50. We JUST got married ourselves, so cash is kind of tight (unplanned elopement expenses + eating some costly deposits canceling our big ceremony/venue/etc) and we couldn’t readily afford a $400 Dutch Oven set for a near-stranger, even if we weren’t already objecting to it on principle.
For the record, the wedding is “elegant garden casual.” It starts at 9:30 in the morning, guests will then attend a “tea and cake” reception and “shall please depart by noon.” Anyone who “wishes to join the happy couple for an elegant brunch following the reception” is welcome to do so if they RSVP in advance AND are willing to pay for themselves. Not sure how that’s supposed to justify a $400 dish set, but ok.
Post # 2
Since the couple and their registries have left you with a negative impression, it might be best to not attend the wedding.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I agree with your husband that it’s rude to show up at a wedding without a gift (even if their registries are eyeroll inducing) – ESPECIALLY as he works with the guy every day!! Be the bigger person and bring a gift. $50 value, either in cash or gift form, seems fine.
Post # 4
You can’t see me, but I’m giving major side-eye right now. Offering tea and cake, telling you when to leave, but registered for expensive gifts. If it were my Fiance and me, $50 gift from the both of us. And load up on cake. ;-D
Post # 5
If you don’t want to attend? Don’t attend.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
plum_pudding: Rhopalocera: Oh man, I want to hand you over to my Darling Husband LOL! I’m totes with you. Then again … My reasons to not attend are fairly petty (don’t know them personally, the whole thing sounds obnoxious, I didn’t even know there WAS a $700 KitchenAid model) while his are compelling (he works with this guy every day, my reasons are dumb and I’m being a prat). I know there’s always a choice – I mean, no one is going to hold a handgun to my temple and make me sit quietly in the church – but I suspect I have to bite the bullet on this one. I can play nice, especially if there’s cake. ONLY if there’s cake. All the cake. (Xu: think I can slip a couple extra pieces in my purse on the way out? )
The whole “quickie reception, please leave by X time unless you want to pay-your-own-way to an ACTUAL reception” thing is new to me. Is this a thing people do on the regular? The couple was born and raised upper middle class in Northern California, so I don’t think it’s a cultural deal.
Post # 7
Rude, rude, rude. No, this is more like rude stacked on top of more rude. I’m honestly baffled by their greed. If you absolutely must go, send $50 towards their honeymoon fund and call it a day.
Here’s hoping the cake’s worth it.
Post # 8
rachel85: If you like a couple enough to attend their wedding, you should like them well enough to offer some token gift representing your best wishes. It doesn’t need to be expensive, but you should give something tangible.
Of course if you don’t like the couple, you don’t need to give them anything. But then you really also should not attend their wedding.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Xu: Yep. These people are lame. I’d get them a nice bottle of wine and call it a day. (And load up on cake, obviously.)
Post # 10
Wow it’s so inappropriate to register for “bride stuff” lingerie, handbags, jewelry wtf?
I don’t think theres anything wrong with registering for expensive things as long as it’s balanced with moderate and low price items.
And obviously 5 places is way overkill- I mean who needs to register for honeymoon stuff and cash!? I mean, people can just write you a check if they want- no need to freaking register for it.
but because your hubs works with him I would opt for a low end gift off the registry. It’s nicer than a 50$ check, even if it’s of the same $$ value.
Post # 11
Really no point in getting upset over someone’s registry. A registry isn’t a list of things you need to buy to attend nuptuls. I donno why people get their panties in a bunch over it. Sure I’ve rolled my eyes on plenty of registries but to be offended by them.
Did this couple go to your wedding? If they gave you cash I’d give them that ammount back. If they gave you an expensive gift I’d give the number in that ballpark.
If they did not go to yours I’d just give them $25 dollars for the wedding you described. I mean they aren’t even providing wine or beer, please, $50 is far too much.
Post # 12
rachel85: I voted bottle of wine. There’s some nice two buck chuck – just slap a custom label (bride and groom name with wedding date) on it. Wine is classy and customizing it with their wedding details is thoughtful and shows that it’s about them. Ta-dah!
Post # 13
Well, I personally don’t think a couple deserves cheaper gifts because they chose to host a wedding they could afford rather than a fancy plated affair. That said, give what you feel is appropriate based on your relationship to the couple.
But seriously? PayPal? Just no
Post # 14
$25 gift card to Applebee’s and a grocery store congrats card. Boom.
Post # 15
rachel85: Being a coworker of your DHs, and the fact that he wants to go I would attend. I think 5 registries is excessive, and I think the description of the wedding (casual garden), no dinner, but rather tea and cake doesn’t warrant a super expensive gift. I would offer up more than a card, but I like the wine idea ~ two gifts we received that we loved – a very nice bottle of champagne (it was a $100 bottle that we would never treat ourselves to but what a treat!) and a very good bottle of wine that ages well with a little note for us directing us on how to care/store the wine because it will be at it’s prime for our 20th wedding anniversary. Maybe you could look at something like that, that has a little more meaning, but doesn’t make you feel like you’re breaking the bank?
The registeries with the expensive items, I wouldn’t fixate too much or read too much into them – I’ve heard of some couples registering for multiple sites/items because stores usually offer a discount to the couple for purchasing anything left on the registery that wasn’t purchased (so if the couple needs a new couch or has wanted those $400 curtain rods from restoration hardware, they may not have actually expected someone to buy it, but rather they intended to buy after the wedding and receive 15% off by having it as part of their registery). Just a thought.