Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
Fiance wants to do something special for my (teen – adult) kids at the wedding in a few weeks. It will be part of the ceremony, and the gist is that Fiance will ask them to come up just before the rings are exchanged, present them all with a gift each, and say some words along the lines of “This is a big day for all of us, not just for me and your mother. I love you and I want you to know I am honored to join your family and be part each of your lives.” This was entirely FI’s idea. I think it’s incredibly sweet.
My youngest is 17, so these aren’t little kids. Fiance wants to buy him a watch he was all giddy about, but we’re kind of stumped on the the girls (19 and 23), so I wanted to ask if the Bees have any suggestions for gifts Fiance could present to each of them that would be meaningful, but also appropriate for their ages. Necklaces? Rings? Something else?
Also, is it a bad idea to surprise them with this, rather than warning them in advance? I kind of like the element of surprise, but also don’t want it to be weird lol.
Post # 2
Why not a Tiffany charm necklace? You can have them engraved with the date of the wedding and the word “Family” on it. And what young woman wouldn’t be delighted with a blue box?
Post # 3
Also it’s not weird at all. I did the same for my stepdaughter. She was only barely 4 at the time so I didn’t give her jewelry, being afraid she would lose it. I plan on getting her a Tiffany necklace when she’s older and more responsible.
Post # 4
Also leather goods (designer or good quality depending on budget), whilst they might not seem as ~special as jewellery depending on you daughters’ jewellery wearing habits they make get a lot more use out of a bag or wallet or similar. Also I think tiffany is a little out of vogue for the age group you’re talking about and considered a bit cheesy/trashy/costumey a lot of the time at least in my circles (although a little older than your girls, still in our 20s) although it probably depends on location/socio economic standing etc
Post # 5
If he’s getting your son a watch, maybe he could get the girls a nice bangle each, then he can have the inside engraved?
I’m around your girls age and I would feel weird recieving a ring from my mothers fiance/husband, I also don’t like the look of engraved/memento necklaces but you know your girls better than me.
As far as the surprise element, I would let your children know in advance that you want them to join you at the alter for the exchanging or the rings or something. That way they know they are going to have to stand up in front of everyone – but the actual gifts can be a surprise.
Post # 6
somedaymrsj : this is absolutely precious. I agree with pp that a ring might not be the best idea, I think a bracelet or necklace would be perfect.
Post # 7
I’ll be the lone dissenter here. I’m not a huge fan. But I’m also not a huge fan when it’s little kids either because I believe that a marriage is between the two adults getting married so I tend to cringe. The children aren’t capable of acting of their own accord and it’s not their decision. It’s not like they get a true say in the matter. However I can at least understand it a little bit in the case of maybe anxious little kids and the reassurance of their role in the new family in the sense of the step parent vowing to care and support them in a parental role as their own.
However to two adults and one near-adult? Eh. As a 23 year-old I would not be considering my mother’s new husband as my stepdad in any real sense of the word beyond the technical definition. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be happy for them or wouldn’t consider him part of our family, but it’s really not the same thing as an adult. I was financially independent and had gotten engaged (the first time) at 21 – while I would have been happy for my mom it would not be “a big day for me” in the same way it would have been at age 10 with 8 more years of living under the same roof with him acting as a co-parent and taking care of me. And I sure as heck wouldn’t want this declaration in front of everyone as an adult, especially as a surprise. However, I probably would have liked having a heartfelt one-to-one conversation.
I guess you know your mostly grown kids best and whether or not they would appreciate such a huge public display, let alone a surprise one. And I think it may depend on how long he has been in all of your lives, the relationship he has formed with them, and the relationship they have with their biological father. I just know that as a teen and young-adult, I don’t think I would have appreciated being called out and surprised in this manner at my parent’s wedding. Perhaps a heartfelt one-on-one with each of the kids, giving them a gift, and explaining how important their relationship is to him say one on one as you’re all getting ready or the evening before the rehearsal dinner would be a bit more meaningful than sweeping declarations in front of everyone.
Eta: Or at least do the gifts privately and maybe do the public display as a toast to the kids at the reception and thanking them then without actually calling them up. I just think gift-giving is such a personal thing and don’t feel like right smack in the middle of a ceremony between the two of you is the appropriate moment for that personally.
Post # 8
I do wholeheartedly agree with your whole post.
Post # 9
annabananabee : I completely agree. I think the gifts are a beautiful gesture but think it’s better to be given privately and then a thank you for being welcomed into the family said during speeches.
Post # 10
I think the wording the OP mentioned is fine. I would ask them ahead of time if they are willing to come up to the altar for a brief moment. What I don’t like is when children are forced to make vows or the new spouse makes vows to the children. They are not the ones who agreed to marry anyone and should be left out of vow exchanges. In this case, the Fiance is not expecting anything back from the children.
Post # 11
I think it depends on each of your kids’ personalities as well as their relationship with your fiancé. Meaning if any of them are anxious or don’t like being in front of crowds, I wouldn’t do it. Also if they don’t have a close relationship with him I think they’d feel awkward.