(Closed) Gifts for parents: how can I do this delicately? Or is it just wrong?

posted 6 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

So, I was in a very similar situation as you. My parents helped us quite a bit for our wedding while his parents really didn’t. And like you…I’m grateful for what both sets of parents were able to give us, but I definitely wanted to show my appreciation more to my parents since they contributed monetarily more, but still recognize his parents for raising the wonderful man I was about to marry.

Instead of doing the gifts at the rehearsal dinner, we did them privatly with each set of parents. We just didn’t want to upset his parents with an obviously smaller token of our gratitude. It ended up working out really well. 

Post # 5
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MrsDrRose612:  I think giving the gifts separately is a good idea in your case. I think giving a speech in your parents’ honor at the Rehearsal Dinner is very sweet, but presenting a gift could cause drama with the ILs

Post # 7
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ooh, that’s a good idea – to get them both something the same (a photo album) but then also give your parents something else separately.  I don’t believe the gifts have to be of the same caliber in this case!

Post # 9
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

We gifted our parents identical presents even though DH’s parents didn’t pay for the wedding.

I found out later that my parents were really hurt that they didn’t get a bigger gift than the groom’s parents. Both at our speech at the RH and at the wedding, we mentioned equally how thankful we were to our parents. I think my parents would have prefered to just have received the thank you and not the grooms. They gave us 20X what the DH’s parents gave us and wanted more recognition (publically and privately) for it.

While you love both parents equally, I’m not sure that being equal with recognition and gifts is fair if Bride’s parents gift a wedding and groom’s parents didn’t.

Post # 11
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I definitely wouldn’t give them a different gift in from of the in-laws…it would be like “hey, thanks for nothing” kind of thing when you give you parents something more elaborate.  I completely agree, though.  His parents only gave a quarter of what my parents did, and they could afford to give more.  I  had this conversation with a lady at work yesterday who has a son and a daughter.  She said that when her son gets married, she’s not going to give him less than what she would give her daughter- they are loved equally, so they should get the same.  

I think that you could give them both a photo book or something at the rehearsal dinner, give a really nice speech to your parents, and either give them the trip before hand, or maybe you can slip a note into one of the pages that says “shh…I have something else for you”, so they know that something else is on the way. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We pretty much have the opposite scenario. We are footing the bill mostly ourselves, his family has contributed a fair amount and is super excited. My parents aren’t contributing and aren’t super excited (hopefully they will get in gear soon!) 

We know His family will fall over besides themselves if we gave them a photoalbum from the photographer, which is rather expensive. Not sure my folks will do the same, but figure its safer to do it equal.

They love Fiance, they are just social awkward :/ 

Post # 15
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Im in a very similar situation, we are very close to my parents and they are paying for everything. My Father-In-Law have not contributed a penny and although I dont expect them to match what my parents have given us, even a small gesture would have been greatly received. My h2b thinks that we should just give my parents gifts on the day as he says a gift should be a thankyou for all they have done fiancially and emotionally (which is nothing on his side) I was worried that both my parents and I would feel uncomfortable with that idea so have decided to give bridesmaids/groomsmen gifts on the morning of the wedding as they are jewellery/cufflinks to wear on the day. Then we plan not to give gifts during the meal but have arranged with the venue that gifts will be put in my parents room. This will mean that they will have a surprise at the end of the day and that we are able to get them exactly what we want without anyone feeling uncomfortable or offended. hope this helps!! Im sure you will find a solution that wont offend your Father-In-Law but also will credit your own parents that you are happy withx

Post # 16
Member
46415 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It does seem there are a number of other factors affecting your decision rather than just the amount of financial support they are providing.

I would give them the same gift at the Rehearsal Dinner. If I gave them a supplementary gift, I would ask them to keep it between the 4 of us, as you can bet there will still be hard feelings once word gets out.

The thing that I have always found odd, is that if the parents are paying for the wedding, and you spend $$ on getting them a gift, they are really paying for their own gift. Without their financial support, you would have given them a token gift, but because they pay the bills for the wedding, you can afford to spend a greater amount on their gift.

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