Post # 1
So between Fiance and I we have 3 sets of parents. One set is paying for about 60% of the wedding. One set will be hosting the rehearsal dinner and one set has not offered a penny, (nor any other help or support with the wedding). I’ve started thinking about parent gifts. Since they are supposed to be a show of gratitude for help with the wedding, do the parents who don’t contribute any time, money or support still get a gift?
Also we have a set of grandparents who are making a large financial contribution towards the wedding so they will be getting a gift as well.
I think that the gift should reflect how much help and support was given. the problem is, all the help and support has come from one side and I don’t want things to look biased by one side getting great gifts and the other side not getting anything or getting something significantly smaller. (the gifts will be given privately).
What are your thoughts?
Post # 3
I have never looked upon the gifts to the parents in that way. I think of them as appreciation of all the support and love they’ve given you throughout the years while you were growing up.
I do not see the need for the gifts to be identical, so I would choose something approriate for each set of parents.
Post # 4
That’s touchy. :/ I can see what you’re thinking though (we have “four” sets and only two are really doing anything other than causing headaches.) We’re going to get something for all of them – as we feel it’s about respect – but the ones contributing more WILL get larger gifts. In essence, the two not helping will get a gift but it will probably not be comparable to the ones we feel are being helpful, contributing, etc. The two that are contributing have also contributed more, in general, to supporting our relationship along the way. Like you said, this is in private, and there is no reason for them to be comparing gifts like children anyways.
Post # 5
As much as I wanted to show the parent who provided no support whatsoever just how much she meant to us, we didn’t. I felt that she owed us a gift for how much crap she caused. We gave equal gifts across the board; they were not that expensive either: picture frames, whooptidoo. My dad catered so we tipped him so maybe we didn’t do it across the board and it wasn’t an obvious gesture- we did it on the sly.
If they are given privately, I don’t see the problem with spending a little extra, unless they gossip and would shove it in the others face. Ours were given as a group.
ETA: Our original idea was super expensive and when Darling Husband told Mother-In-Law what we were thinking she didn’t even realize parents got a gift. THEN when we gave her our gift at the hotel (she didn’t like what was served at the Rehearsal Dinner so she left) she said in her utmost southern charm “Oh, I got a gift? Well I didn’t do anything.” Bitter, party of 1? LOL.
Post # 6
@julies1949: hmm that’s interesting. I guess I don’t see the wedding as a time to express gratitude for raising me. That’s something that I try to get accross all the time. If no one contributed to our wedding I wouldn’t feel the need to get anyone a gift. So yes in my mind the gift, (just like for the bridesmaids and groomsmen) is to thank them for contributing to the day.
Post # 7
Our families we dont give gifts to parents. Some helpped, others didnt (I am like you with 3 sets.) BUT if we did do gifts I would give all gifts. It really isnt their place in modern times to help. Traditionally yes, but generally now couples are really the ones who do all the prep and paying.
I am thinking you sound a little upset though that they arent being supportive. That is a problem, but you have to also see getting married as a fresh start, and you dont want going into the marrage with any sort of resentment with your family over the wedding. I would give a small gift (kill em with kindness) and not mention the lack of help. Maybe it will show them a maturity they may lack and start respecting you as a couple begining your own family and hoping they will be a part of it.
I know its easy advice to give, but not always to when your in it to like. Hope they start being more supportive, and let you have your day.
Post # 8
I had never heard of couples giving gifts to their parents, until I joined WB.
In-laws paid for Rehearsal Dinner, and my parents paid for about 20% of the wedding. But, we didn’t give any tangiable gifts – just a huge amount and thanks and written notes.
Post # 9
I think it would be nice to give a commemorative gift to all the parents not necessarily as a thank you for helping with the wedding but so they can have something nice to display your day in their homes. I like the idea of a frame with one of your professional pictures or an album. You could also take the parents that did contribute to dinner and then that way the other set don’t necessarily have to know.
Post # 10
Our parents aren’t financially contributing to the wedding. Our photographer’s package does include 2 gallery wrap canvas prints of our wedding photos, so they’re going to each get one (as a surprise!)
Post # 11
I am in the same boat. My parents are conributing 1/2 our budget. The other 2 sets of parents… zilch! Not even interested in helping out! So my gift to my parents will be thier names on the invitations (not the other sets) and a nice weekend away..I probably wont give the others anything!! They have no sense of ettiquette anyways so who cares. we will probably make them a nice book of photos after!