(Closed) Girl Gamers = Bad?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think a lot of gamers have a hard time understanding the non-gamer perspective.  My husband is a huge video game player, whereas I grew up in a house with all girls that had no interest in video games.

With something like this, it’s really important to compromise.  Are there times you can play the games when he’s not home?  My husband and I don’t have the same schedule, so he often tries to play when I’m out.  Are there any games he might like to play with you?  I will occasionally play games with my husband, because I know he has fun and then we’re doing something together.

I know partway through our dating relationship we had a conversation about this, because it was not fun for me to come over to his house and watch him play video games for hours.  If you don’t like gaming, watching games for hours instead of actually hanging out is NOT fun!

Post # 4
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My Fiance is a big gamer… he used to be big into WoW, so I know what you mean.. He gets so absorbed that it’s hours and hours later until he emerges and yes, he checks game forums, etc.

It used to put a real strain on our relationship, but we’ve compromised. We set up a gaming schedule where he will game 3 nights a week. If I want to make plans with him I do my best to schedule around those nights and knowing that it’s his “game night” has really worked out for us. So instead of getting pissed off when he gets up on a Sunday afternoon and disappears for the next 8 hours I know that it’s a “game night” and that we will hang out together on Monday night.

Maybe that’s something you can do with him?

I just really, really, really understand where HE is coming from on this. It hurts when you feel like your SO loves the games more than you! (Which is obviously NOT a rational thought at all, but that’s what it feels like sometimes.)

Post # 5
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I dont think it matters if your a girl or guy. If you are constantly choosing to spend more time gaming than with your SO then yes that can be a bad thing

Post # 6
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Without more detail it’s hard to say. But the fact that you two were at an amusement park on Saturday shows that you are at least spending time together! How many hours a week do you play games? Do you spend much time hanging out on the couch with your SO?

I think couples should have the freedom to spend time on their own – even when you are home together. Fiance and I spend lots of time vegging on the couch, but sometimes I want to read a book or take a bath instead. So we spend time apart. But at most it’s once a week. I agree with PPs that you should talk about expectations of time spent together and set aside time when you can game.

Post # 7
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think checking the forums while you’re out doing a fun activity with him is definitely over the line.  My fiance and I game (he more than I) but it stays home when we’re out.  You definitely owe him an apology for that.

Post # 8
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Speaking as both a gamer and the fiancee of a gamer, I think it sounds like where the problem lies is that, the way he sees it, you’re playing/checking forums when he thinks you’re supposed to be spending time with him. You see it that you both aren’t really interacting at the time so there’s no harm in it. It doesn’t sound like an addiction at all, just something you enjoy doing.

I would second (third?) the suggestion of setting aside game time, so he knows ahead of time when you can hang out together and when not to. As long as the expectations are settled you should be fine. FH has raid nights 3 times a week, so I know not to bug him too much right then, but he also pays attention to when he can sneak out during a “bio break” to help me with supper or laundry or just to come give me a hug ๐Ÿ™‚ Scheduling your game time sucks sometimes (JUST ONE MORE QUEST!!) but I think it’s worth it to keep everybody happy.

Also… Dragon Age is freaking awesome. I hope you’re enjoying it! ๐Ÿ™‚ I can’t wait until DA2 comes out… FH’s game time will then become my game time again too!

Post # 9
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

I love to game and so does my guy.  We also love sports and do those together.  I guess if he doesn’t like gaming then he can either find a hobby to do while you game (a gf of mine knits – no, she isn’t 82 – while her guy games) so that you are both enjoying your hobbies but still having together time OR he can learn to play the games you enjoy as well. 

I also think that if he does the latter, you should try to get into a hobby or interest he has, too, so that you are both compromising.  Asking any SO (guy or girl) to give up something they love to do so that you can spend more time on the couch watching tv together or something is just going to harbor resentment, imo.

Post # 10
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think being a girl gamer is bad.  But I do think that in relationships where one party is seriously into gaming and the other is not can be a serious issue.  It caused a huge rift between my ex and I, and I know it caused problems with his ex wife.  I had a friend go through the same thing.  I like to scrapbook, but I’m not doing it obsessively or even every day.  The gamer thing, in my opinion, tends to get out of control sometimes.  The games never have an ending.  They go on and on and on forever.  For me, there was a lot of fear in that concept and I often felt neglected.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - The Royal Park Hotel

There’s already been great suggestions made by the PPs, but I just wanted to chime in to encourage you to talk openly about this with your SO before it *does* become a problem because of mismatched expectations. Mr. Tartlet and I both game, but he’s far more “dedicated” to it than I am–and that was a problem at the beginning of our relationship. Neither of us communicated well about our needs, and eventually it blew up into a melodramatic speech on my part where I almost left him because of his “addiction.” Once we put all the cards on the table we were able to gradually find a gaming schedule that worked for both of us. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 12
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Tarlet’s story is the same as mine.  We both game together, but I feel he’s more addicted.  Ironically, I played this game before he did and I was the one responsible for showing it to him.  ๐Ÿ™  He’ll spend all weekend on the computer then tell me he feels tired and stressed (well, don’t sit on the computer all weekend!).  It definitely takes a toll on our relationship because we get less sleep than we should or do fewer outside activities.

Some of my family plays as well so it’s a good way to remain connected over multiple states, but you can’t rely on that as an excuse to bury yourself.  As other said, treat it like any other activity: Discuss and set boundaries for amount of time you play, particularly if it’s not something you do together.  You might also want to let him know in advance that you want to try out a new game.  And finally, it really helps to be able to take breaks – if he needs to get your attention for something, try very hard to respond at the time, and limit the “not nows.”

 

Post # 13
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I agree with the others.  And, yes, even though you two weren’t talking while in line, you probably shouldn’t have been checking forums online for the game while with him after gaming the night before.  

And yes, I also game, just not as much as I used to.  Art, however, ohhhh yeah.  Give me my laptop with my software or a computer with Photoshop and I’ll be happy for HOURS.  Sometimes, the WHOLE DAY and late into the night.  Same thing, different software.

My Fiance gets annoyed at times and simply takes my laptop away, lol.  Especially when it’s time for bed.  (Yes, we fuss at each other about going to bed when it’s midnight or later. ๐Ÿ˜› Or when we want “us time” in the bedroom. *wink wink nudge nudge* LOL).

Sitting down and talking it out is best.  Everyone needs “my time” and, if this is your way of getting your own downtime, then you two need to discuss that, also.  

Our solution is to let each other have their own time (which is REALLY easy when I’m occupied with my art, hehehehe.  It lets HIM play the guitar or surf the web) and we understand each other’s obsessions.

HOWEVER, when we’re out together, we leave our obsessions behind.  Except when we go to certain stores, lol.  Then we follow the other around and humor each other (him it’s any music store, me it’s any craft/computer store… though at least he doesn’t get bored in the computer stores, lol probably cause it’s a mutual obsession!).  

Perhaps there’s a game you both can play together?  Or, like the others said, schedule a time for your gaming.  

Post # 15
Member
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@mireisen: It sounds like everything worked out for you and you’re doing what’s best for you!

Post # 16
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Did it ever occur to you to sit down and talk through it instead of asking advice on forums like these?  Great that everyone has an opinion, but nobody knows what is really going on.  Sounds like even though you were spending time with him, you were distracted by the game as you were even in game mode at the amusement park.

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