(Closed) Girlfriend is OBSESSED with rings and getting married… help!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Marry her and then she will get over the ring/wedding talk.  lol.. jk sorta.

If you’ve been dating so long and you know you want to marry her, have you discussed a timeline?  When do you see you two getting engaged and married?  Have you told her that you need to save up for a ring – and discussed what your budget is? 

Perhaps if you discuss a timeline and where you are in all of this and then ask her to back off for a bit, it would get her to stop being so “engagement obsessed.”

As perspective, for us girls – this is a really exciting time in our lives and when we know we have “the one,” we want to make it happen.  We don’t want to end up dating “the one” forever and never marrying.  Some girls don’t go about it the right way and start pestering, but if you want her to back off then you need to tell her to stop talking to you about it because it’s going to happen by X date.  Send her a link to Mr. Bee’s Shut It Up Pact. 

Post # 4
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m sorry you’ve been going through a rough patch…it seems like maybe she doesn’t feel as much pressure as you do?

It might be good to just sit down and give her a timeline…make sure she knows where you’re at with marriage and that it won’t be super soon.  And be honest- tell her you’re glad to know waht she likes in a ring, but you have seen plenty for now.  Perhaps seeing a counselor together might be helpful as well- they can be really effective at opening the lines of communication and getting everything out in the table.

I hope things work out for you!

Post # 5
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You need to sit her down and tell her exactly what you’ve written here. Tell her you love her, that you can see yourself marrying her but she needs to lay off the wedding insanity and get back to normal or it is never going to happen. 

 

Do not back down and apologize. You feel this way and you have every right to your feelings. Try to use a lot of I statements, like “I feel neglected because we don’t spend quality time together the way that we used to.” Or “I feel like I need to get my life in order before we can start thinking about a wedding.”

Post # 6
Member
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Ahh… Maybe start premarital counseling or something… and also give her a date for engagement – even if it is 6+ months out. Tell her exactly what you just typed here… Except reassure her a little – seeing what you posted straight up and being caught up in the emotions of it could her her freaking out thinking you want to dump her or something (irrational… but thats women and hormones for you). So tell her what you put here, but also tell her that you love her and want to make it work (etc) but that BOTH of your needs must be met or else its not working for EITHER of you. And clearly, yours are not being met right now.

 

Would she be content with a simple ring for now with a promise of an ‘upgrade’ in the future (5, 10 yr anniversary?)

How about a simple, small ceremony now (soon-ish) with a bigger vow-renewal in a few years (maybe when you upgrade her ring?)?

 

I mentioned the pre-marital counseling because it REALLY helps to develop communication techniques, and strategies to avoid and navigate difficult situations, and if the people you do it with are any good – they will force you two to talk about the difficult “elephant in the closet” things and you two will develop the skill necessary to survive life together so to speak… And right now it seems as if she is not respecting that at the present time your guys’ relationship is not working for you.

The most important thing my Fiance and I have learned in our pre-marital, is that if something is not working for ONE of you, its not working for BOTH of you. and if it IS working for both of you, then thats all that matters regardless of what anyone else says.

Fact of the matter is that right now she is avoiding the conversation, glossing over the difficult parts, and neglecting your feelings. I would pay attention to this part of her personality, as the difficult things in relationship NEED to be talked through. Will she be able to talk about other difficult things in life? Will she be supportive to you when you are facing other challenges in life?

I think you are wise to be trying to talk to her, and paying attention to financial constraints with regards to paying for a wedding and buying a ring – does she know your financial situation?

 

Last thing I am going to say – women DO tend to obsess a bit over wedding/marriage. Its just a fact. Women tend to be the ones doing all the planning, and there is SO very much to do. So after you propose… DO expect her to somewhat obesess… However, if you feel that it is pulling you two apart, then sit her down, explain it to her, and suggest a solution – making an effort to do something fun together every day, taking the 30-60 min before bed to chat and snuggle, going on a date once or twice a week… Something like that perhaps.

Post # 7
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@TacomaToo:  Say, friend– it might help put things in perspective for you if you read this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/afraid-so-will-never-propose#axzz2SxfjRoaa

 

It’s not an obsession the way you think it is; remember with women things are not black and white. She’s trying to tell you she’s putting her eggs (literally!) in your basket, and it would be a good idea to talk, and soon. Women only have so many years of fertility to play around with, and she might be getting scared that her time is running thin for having kids with a compatible partner. If you’re not it, she needs to invest at least a year (more than likely more!) to find another remotely suitable mate. She’s discussing weddings with you to reinforce that she wants this goal met, and soon. She’s putting her toes in the water to see how receptive you are, and to get you on the “let’s get on with our lives already!” bandwagon. 

 

I broke it down to the bare bones reasoning. Not all women even want kids, so keep that in mind, but it’s a huge consideration. Essentially, she’s telling you to hurry it up, or else she might consider flying the coop because she doesn’t see the relationship advancing.

 

Post # 8
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

Ah, yes. We’ve all been there. We all get momentarily insane thinking about the beautiful future we’ll have, picket fence and all. 

I agree with other PP that the best thing to do is be honest with her. If I annoyed my fiance before he proposed, I wish he would have said something! 

Say exactly what you did above, that you feel like she is more interested in a ring and a wedding than a marriage and a lifetime with you. Having a “timeline” in mind helps, even if it is a particular milestone. Things were financially rough for Fiance and I, and he said he would propose when he got his police job. And he did! The most important thing is, if you set a timeline, you have to stick to it or she’ll get bitter and think you are leading her on.

 

Good luck! We’re rooting for you!

Post # 9
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Have you discussed your finances with her? To me, going into debt for a ring is not worth it. If she is demanding an 8k ring and won’t settle for something within your price range, I’d be a little worried about financial compatability.

Onto why she’s suddenly talking about weddings all the time- it could be any number of reasons. Maybe she wants a special day, maybe she wants to start a family soon, maybe she wants a commitment from you or wants the social and legal benefits of being married. However, if she is more concerned about the WEDDING than the MARRIAGE that’s a problem. You said you’ve been feeling neglected lately, tell her that- don’t apologise for your feelings. You can have a marriage without a wedding but you should never have a wedding without a marriage. If she’s too busy looking at expensive rings and poofy dresses to pay you attention, that’s an issue in my book.

If you do want to marry her eventually, I’d a) discuss a timeline (an approximate date you’d feel comfortable proposing) b) discuss finances and let her know that 8k may be out of your price range (seriously, being debt free is more important than having a sparkly ring) and c) I’d tell her that you need attention too, and that you’ve been feeling neglected. Don’t apologise, and if she says ‘it’s not that bad!’ let her know that it has gotten to the point where you aren’t feeling as valued as a ring/wedding and that she needs to make an effort to tone it down. Then send her to the bee so she can join the ‘shut it up pact’ or rant to all the lovely ladies here about why you haven’t popped the question yet 😉

Post # 10
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@TacomaToo:  You called her your girlfriend, not your fiance–so I assume you haven’t proposed yet? If that’s the case, she’s getting way ahead of herself, and I can understand why you’re freaking out. Share your concerns with her, and tell her that while you love her, you want to be more financially stable before you make that solid a commitment. That’s extremely responsible of you. 

My fiance was in a similar situation. He had recently gotten out of debt and saved up a down payment for a condo for us, and he didn’t have the money for a ring at the time he wanted to propose (at least not without cutting into our house fund, which he knows I wouldn’t want him to do). So, he proposed with a “temporary” tanzanite ring (my favorite stone next to a diamond–we call it our “anniversary ring” as he proposed on our anniversary). I LOVE it, and I love that he thought to include me in the actual ring design process. Now, we’re saving up for to have the real ring designed…and I will eventually get my dream ring. We also have a long engagement set, so that we can plan this out responsibly and not go into debt or spend the down payment on the house that we’ve saved up. Maybe that would be a good compromise?

FYI, though–I’d recommend you tell her that you’re proposing with a “temporary” ring before you open up that little jewelry box. Otherwise, she might have expectations and be disappointed not to see her dream ring in the box. My fiance proposed first, then he pulled out the ring box and before he opened it, he told me it was the anniversary ring, so I wouldn’t be caught off-guard (not that I’d have reacted any differently, but then again, I didn’t have any expectations about my ring before the proposal). 

Post # 11
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Spend some of your time in the “waiting” section of the boards on this site to try and familiarise yourself with what she is feeling right now.

BUT you are also entitled to feel how you feel and I think you should be commended on your goals (wanting the relationship to feel stable and wanting to feel finacially so as well) as well as the fact that you can verbalise and acknowledge that this is how you are feeling and that you are not just “afraid of marriage” as so many other guys (I assume you are a guy, I’m sorry if this is not the case) are.


If you feel like she is not taking your feelings seriously, perhaps write them out instead. This way she has them solidly in front of her and can re-read them, helping it to sink it. Make it clear that you want to marry her, that you aren’t going anywhere and that you’d like to discuss a timeline for these events with her. This will help her to feel more secure in your relationship and not have those niggling feelings like perhaps you are leading her on (it’s very hard, no matter how wonderful a relationship, to get rid of these feelings 100%). 

Then perhaps introduce her to the waiting boards on this site. It might act as a place for her to vent and also inspire her to look at the advice so many other Bees have given each other: “Don’t forget to be the woman he fell in love with!” Don’t forget your hobbies and to be independent whilst you ‘wait’ for the proposal.

Don’t forget to politely ask her, in your letter perhaps, to lay off the ring talk as it is making you feel pressured. Let her know that you are ok with her looking at rings etc as long as it isn’t in front of you so that you don’t feel pressure. AND that when the time comes, you will ask her to show you what she likes.

It will all work out as long as you have an open and honest dialogue with her.

 

Post # 12
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee

You sound very stressed out and that you’re feeling pressured into doing something you’re not ready to do to make someone else happy. A previous poster gave you some great advice by telling you to let your girlfriend see what you wrote here. Be honest with her. Let her know what this is doing to you and where you stand right now in the relationship. If she keeps obsessing, you will become resentful and from what it sounds like right now, you are incredibly stressed rather than happy. 

Honesty is the most important thing. Be honest about how you feel and be honest about why you are apprehensive about spending so much money (7-8 thousand is a lot, and I think it’s not helping that she decided on that budget herself). And be honest about what this is doing to you. You clearly feel like her obsession means more to her than you as a person, and that can lead to all kinds of resentment. She needs to know this. 

I will go against a PP’s suggestion to visit the ‘Waiting’ forum. Please do not. That’s the last kind of stuff you need to be reading if you are this stressed right now. Your feelings are valid. Just because she wants a ring on her finger and why she wants one doesn’t change that. I don’t think you need to understand why she is so obsessed right now. I think it’s more important that she understands what this is doing to you first. Then talks of ‘timelines’, etc can come later. 

I sincerely wish you the best of luck!

 

Post # 13
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Here are my recommendations:

1. Have a gentle, open, honest talk with her, tell her that you do want to marry her (if this is true) and give her specifics as to how soon, within 1 year within 2 years, whatever you feel will be most accurate based on your level of readiness and comfort because rushing into marriage is never a good idea if she is ready and you are not.

2. Definitely try the pre-marital counselling suggest by previous poster it can’t hurt and should really help you two grow as a couple.

3. Do not go into debt over a ring. I don’t think that’s the best way to start your new lives together financial issues put a lot of strain on marriages. I think its important that you talk to her about this. Hopefully she’s a resonable gal and either a) your timeline will give you enough time to save for a ring at the price range you both agree on or b) she agrees to accept a lower cost ring of her choosing for now and maybe later on in life you can surprise her with something more along the lines of what her heart truly desires.

Finding “the one” is a really beautiful thing, if you think that this girl is the one then this is your big chance to start doing some work on beginning to build your life together for a solid future. So, start with the communication and honestly. I hope everything works out for you guys.

Post # 14
Member
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Tell her what you wrote. 

Post # 15
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Just propose already and give her a timeline, she will be plenty more relaxed after she has a ring on her finger. In my opinion this obsetion about marriage it’s just ring finger itch. If you love her, and you are sure she is the one, just propose and be done with it, she will calm down. Sit her down and explain that you love her and want to marry her, but she needs to calm down. If you propose and you decide to marry in a 2 year period, you guys (mostly her) will have plenty of time to plan ahead and that will lead to less stress.

 

And are you sure she wants a expensive ring? Maybe talk to her about it? Explain that you don’t want to start your life in debt, she will understand and if she loves you she will accept a ring that you can afford.

Post # 16
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@TacomaToo:  Like other PPs have mentioned, you should definitely sit her down and seriously discuss a timeline. Tell her you want to get goal A and goal B (and goal C and so on, if applicable) accomplished before marriage/proposal. However, do not be abstract. Don’t say, “I want to move up in my career.” Say, “I want to get promoted to x position or I want to get a job at this company in y position.” Same goes for money – say you want to have z amount of $$$ in savings and paid off debt instead of saying you want to be financially stable. 

As for her getting so obsessed, how old are you both? I can understand if she is in her late 20s-early 30s as no girl wants to waste her time then. I would hope that a serious and honest timeline would calm her down. Maybe you can take her out on dates like you did when you first started dating? Something fun like bowling that has zip to do with weddings/marriage. See if that works.

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