Post # 1
I’m having a bit of a dilemma here and not sure if I am overreacting, so would like a bit of advice. Basically one of my friends is getting married and my girlfriend of just over a year hasn’t been invited. We operate quite closely in the same friendship circles, going for drinks and meeting up every few weeks or so, and he has known my girlfriend since we starting dating. I did clarify if I could bring my girlfriend but was told by the groom that the numbers were tight. Initially my girlfriend was dissapointed at not being invited, but she understood – after all, weddings are expensive and the number of spaces can be limited. Our other friends in the circle have had their partners invited, but they are a bit older than us and have been dating longer on the whole (e.g. 3/4 years, rather than us at just over a year). So while we were both disappointed, we understood that others were seen as more of a ‘social unit’ and my girlfriend was happy for me to still go to the wedding.
The thing now is that one of our friends who was single at the time the invitations were handed out is now in a new relationship. They have only been seeing each other for 2 months, and when we last met up, he told me that he had asked if he could bring along his new girlfriend and was told he could! Apparently both the bride and groom were happy that he was finally in a relationship (he has been known for being a bit of a player), so said he should bring his girlfriend along. Now I’m feeling quite annoyed about this – I know my girlfriend isn’t entitled to an invite but I was initally told she couldn’t attend as the numbers were limited. Perhaps some people have pulled out, but why is it that a girl who my friend has been dating for 2 months should be prioritised over my girlfriend of over a year, who I have recently started living with? There has never been any conflict between my girlfriend and the bride/groom. They both said they liked her when we started dating and have always got along so wouldn’t think it is anything to do with that.
I know my girlfriend is quite annoyed about the situation too. She said she doesn’t want to come between me and my friend, and that I should still go to the wedding if I want to. Although at this stage, I’m not sure if I should decline? I would prefer having her there with me, and am not sure if I am being disloyal to her if I attend? I’m pretty angry at my friend for this, what are your opinions?
Post # 3
It sounds like you have a great perspective on this, ie. understanding that numbers are tight and perhaps they only invited those in more long term relationships. And you’re right, I could see that as well (we only invited married couples). But inviting the new girlfriend of another friend who was single at the time the invites went out is very, very strange. I’d be questioning if there was something else going on here if I were you because it seems like she was intentionally excluded at this point. I’m so sorry, I would decline.
Post # 4
The original decision was understandable, but to exclude your girlfriend on the basis of numbers and then later allow someone else to bring a new girlfriend does seem a bit rude.
It might be worth asking them why. Otherwise, you have to decide whether to drop out of the wedding yourself, or keep attending for the sake of the friendship.
Post # 5
Ew I’m annoyed for you. Do you think it would be worth bringing up to the bride/groom? I feel like I would want to say something; it may be crossing a boundary, but I would want to hear their reasoning. They should be able to back up their decisions, and if they can’t, then it reflects poorly on them.
Post # 6
Agree with pp. I’d stand with my SO and not go.
Post # 7
i would probably decline. i attended two weddings without my then-boyfriend of over a year (now husband) where most of my other friends had their partners invited. it wasn’t that fun to be the lone “single” person in the group when everyone else was dancing, etc. and i also was left with sort of a shitty feeling that i was a less-important guest because my partner wasn’t invited.
Post # 8
you and your girlfriend sound like extremely reasonable, sensible people. if I were you in this situation, I would just politely decline given what you know now.
I wouldn’t ask for further clarification, because I feel like anything they say now is just going to be a BS attempt to cover up their blatant disrespect of your relationship. If they ask you about it at a later date, then perhaps the conversation can be had at that time.
Post # 9
I would decline. Them inviting the other friend’s new girlfriend makes it clear that your girlfriend is being targeted for whatever reason and I wouldn’t stand for it if I were you.
Post # 10
I would attend in the first instance, but not after they invited the two month girlfriend of a mutual friend. By playing favorites they are openly letting you know where you and or your girlfriend rank.
Post # 11
I would talk to the friend and directly ask why your girlfriend was excluded on the basis of numbers, while a newer partner of another friend was invited later. This clearly isn’t a numbers issue, and it’s not a length of relationship issue either. Maybe they do have a problem with your girlfriend, maybe someone did cancel and they forgot that she hadn’t been invited because of numbers when they invited the new girlfriend. Unless it was an oversight, and they apologize and extend an invitation to her when you point it out, I would decline. And I would not make up an excuse, I’d tell them it’s because they intentionally excluded your girlfriend.
Post # 12
In the vein of hurt feelings i always tend to lean toward open communication – these people are your friends and it is always not an easy conversation to say hey my feelings are hurt. I get it’s their big day but I don’t think it’s out of the question to approach them sensible and say hey can I get clarification why my Girlfriend is not included as I think I would have more fun with my person there or you all know how important she is to me. I don’t think you’d be disloyal to your Girlfriend to go if you decided to either. She is fully aware of the situation and even though it hurts thats your call. I have gone to weddings without my now husband and it wasn’t a lot of fun. So I understand just declining all together.
But ultimately I hate to see this drive any kind of wedge between you and your friends it sounds like you are all pretty close.
Post # 13
It sounds like the couple made an exception to the rule for their other friend because they are delighted that this “player” has finally “settled down”. Favoritism toward one couple doesn’t necessarily mean that they intentionally excluded your girlfriend because they dislike her. There’s a difference between active dislike and simply being a lesser priority, or being taken for granted.
There is no point in pushing the matter. The couple is already being rude, but it’s also rude to keep prying about an invite.
Go if you want to go, don’t go if you don’t want to go. I probably wouldn’t go at this point. Wedding suck without a dance partner, and the couple is playing favorites. With covid, the wedding will probably fall through anyway.
Post # 14
I would not bring it up again with the couple. I always operate under the assumption that guest lists and invitations are very intentional…so what are you really going to gain by asking: putting them on the spot and making them uncomfortable as they scramble for an answer, or browbeating them into changing their minds and allowing your girlfriend to attend? Neither sound very appealing to me. I’ll also add that while, by comparison, it seems unfair to you that the other guy is getting to bring his new girlfriend, sorry to say….that’s not really your business. I know that sounds harsh, but honestly, it’s the couple’s right to invite whoever they want.
All of that said, you would be well within your rights to politely decline, which is likely what I would do.
Post # 15
Wait. Invitations have already been “handed out”?! As in, in person?!?! Unless they went out ridiculously early, why were you even considering attending in the first place? Where do you live that this is remotely likely to take place?