(Closed) Girlfriend of Fiances’ brother invited herself to stand up.

posted 10 years ago in Family
  • poll: Bridesmaid invites herself, dont want her in wedding what should I do?
    Ask her to be a personal attendant if her and the best man are still together. : (16 votes)
    25 %
    Not tell her about dress shopping ext. since I never really asked her. : (21 votes)
    32 %
    Leave it alone and let her stand up even though she is almost cheating on BM. : (0 votes)
    Other : (28 votes)
    43 %
  • Post # 3
    778 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2009

    I would just say, "Thank you so much for you offer, but I was actually thinking that you could be more helpful to me by performing the following tasks.  (Reading during mass, Helping to set up the ceremony site and give out programs and help seat others, or just be your go girl during the day).  GIve her something to do to keep her busy but let her know that you have already chosen your bridesmaids and you have a fixed number.

    Post # 4
    1363 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I agree with Chela–I would find something else for her to do, not just keep her in the dark about what the BMs are up to.  I think that will only make things worse.

    Post # 5
    2640 posts
    Sugar bee

    I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to be honest and tell her she is not going to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  It was not right that she caught you off guard.  No one should just assume they are in a wedding.  But by answering "I don’t know yet", she doens’t really have a clear picture that she isn’t in the wedding.  (And I understnd no knowing what to say. I’m the worst under pressure.) But the longer this goes on, the worse it will be.

    Even if she and your Fi’s brother were married, I don’t see why you would have to ask her to be in the wedding.  My husband had his brothers in our wedding.  I didn’t ask their wives to be BMs.  I think it’s nice to ask a FI’s sister to be a Bm, not SIL, unless you are close.

    Try telling her that you decided upon your bridal party.  Because of a previous conversation, you wanted to be clear that she is not going to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  (You wanted to keep it small, perhaps if you didn’t have so many sisters of your own…, surprisingly you’ve been able to maintain so many of your high shool friendships,   -something to lessen the blow).  I know it will be awkward, but she brought it on herself. 

    You can give her a consolation reading, or guestbook attendant.  But  I wouldn’t feel obligated, unless you want.  What if the two break up before the wedding?  Will you have to find someone else?  Will she feel obligated to still perform those duties, causing uneasiness between the two at your wedding?

    Post # 6
    400 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I would just tell her that you’ve already chosen your attendants, and they are your close friends and family. Tell her you can’t have everyone in the wedding party, but you’d love to give her something else to do.

    Just tell her she’s not in it. Obviously you don’t want her in your bridal party.

    Post # 7
    752 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    I think the best option is not listed in the poll, which is neither to cave nor to passive-aggressively ignore her questions. I’d be direct in telling her that you already have all of your attendants for your wedding party, but you’re looking forward to celebrating with her. I wouldn’t even feel obligated to offer her another honor-position unless you’re close to her and would feel that the day would be enriched by her participation. Just because she’s your FH’s brother’s girlfriend right now doesn’t mean she will be in your life in 10 years, and if things don’t work out with them (which it doesn’t sound like it will), will you really want to look back at your wedding readings and recall that one of them was read by someone you hardly knew or liked?

    I recommend taking her out to lunch to talk about it one on one, and just let her know that as much as you like her, you simply have chosen your wedding party already, and you hope she will still be excited to participate in other ways. 

    I hope that helps! Good luck!

    Post # 8
    461 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2009

    My Brother-In-Law didn’t stand with us even though my sister did. I don’t think your relationship to the wedding party really matters. I would sit her down and kindly let her know she will not be part of your wedding party but you really need help with XYZ. I agree it wasn’t fair for her to catch you off guard like that but don’t sweat it too much it’ll be ok!!

    Post # 9
    77 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    Just tell her NO she isn’t a bridesmaid. Sometimes these type of people need to be told exactly what you are thinking. Don’t give her a job b/c if her and the bestman aren’t together come wedding time she might still show up and throw it in the bestman’s face that she has to be there b/c you asked her to do a task, and in the long run if they aren’t together and she shows up this might cause more drama that you wont want to deal with.

    Post # 10
    271 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I’m going to be blunt- you need to grow a pair and tell her NO. Even if she was married to your brother, you have no obligation to put her in your wedding party. It’s stupid on her part to just assume that she would be in it unless you gave her this impression in previous conversation or the brother said something to her. Learn to speak up for yourself, its your wedding and she is already walking over you.

    Post # 11
    159 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Honestly, I’d probably be gently honest with her by saying you already have all of your bridesmaids.  You do not need to have her fill another roll either, unless you are also good friends or it is important to your Fiance.

    Post # 12
    161 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I agree, be honest and direct.  She shouldn’t have assumed.

    Post # 13
    113 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I agree, you should not feel obligated. The last thing that you want is to look back at your pictures and see your BIL’s ex in all of them, especially if you two don’t get along. 

    That said, if you would like her to be a part of your day as your friend, then go for it! Either way, it sounds like you need to be honest and direct.

    Post # 14
    148 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    How your Fiance feel about the situation?

    Post # 15
    3331 posts
    Sugar bee

    If it were me, as hard as it is, I’d let her know that she’s not a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  You don’t want to just exclude her, because then she’ll go on assuming that she’s in the wedding and it will become an even bigger deal.  You don’t have to be mean about it, or even mention the reason, just say "I’m sorry, but I’ve already chosen x, y and z to be BM".  It will be hard to talk to her about this, but you’ll be much better off in the long run if you just bite the bullet and do it now.

    Post # 16
    5822 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I think it’s rude for you to be taking people with you to look at bridesmaid dresses if you’re not going to ask them to be in the wedding party.

    It’s like if your boyfriend took you to Shane Co. to look at engagement rings…wouldn’t you expect a proposal??

     You clearly don’t like her or want her in the party, so you should just be upfront about it.  Tell her you hope she’ll be your {{insert crappy job no one wants anyway here}}.

    Definitely don’t ignore it and hope it goes away.  And DEFINITELY give your Best Man a heads up!!

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