Girlfriend pressurizing to get married

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2947 posts
Sugar bee

I think she wants a pretty princess wedding day more than she wants a marriage. Not to mention, six months of long distance dating is a super short period of time, and it appears she is still rebounding from her breakup with the ex. 

If I were you, I would run for the hills.

Post # 3
Member
8999 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

So not only is she not respecting you or your feelings but she is emotionally abusing you as well (it hurts me every time she asks, because I know she is in pain. She now thinks that I too will leave her like all her other boyfriends, which is something I have tried to reassure to her, but she asks for marriage.).

As pp said run for the hills.

Post # 4
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

So she dumped you for her ex, he dumped her and now she’s back to you and wants to get married.

She is someone who can’t be alone and if you broke up would have a new boyfriend she wanted to marry in a matter of weeks. You are the rebound guy. She broke your heart and knew you would be a soft place to land and now is blaming wanting to get married so soon on her ex that broke up with her. She’s in no way ready for marriage. Find someone who loves and wants YOU specifically not someone who can’t be alone. And needs marriage to prove how you feel about them. If she would have married all but 1 of her past boyfriends… you arnt THE ONE. She clearly would take any.

This isn’t a case where you have been together for years. My rule has always been no engagement for at least two years. You arnt buying a new car or picking a sofa you are making a lifetime commitment. You need to have the hard talks, see each other at your worst, go through good and bad times together. If at a year or two you break up, it’s much better to break up then get a divorce later on. My motto is, if I want to marry him now, I’ll want to marry him later. And if I don’t want to later thank god I didnt! 

You should have never given her another chance after the way she treated you, you saw her true colors. She had no respect for your feelings taking her ex to the concert you paid for. 

Seeing each other twice a month for six months… and you get into arguments every time you visit. Find someone where you live. No sane person would be pressuring marriage at this point. Marriage and engagement fixes nothing! Enjoying doing nothing and just spending time with someone twice a month is much different than living together and being their spouse. 

Post # 5
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

This is a tough situation, and I hope you’re doing alright otherwise.

If you’re not ready to talk marriage after 6 months long-distance, that’s totally reasonable. You guys would need a long time living closer together and working out your issues before you should even think marriage. She probably has a distorted, idealized view of marriage and how hard it is.

Other bees have suggested breaking up. After just 6 months, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. You could heal and find someone who puts you first.

If you’re not willing to do that, I understand. But then you should have a serious talk with her that you won’t touch marriage until you solve the distance issue (at the very least, not to mention whatever personal issues she has). Tell her to focus on her career and living arrangements so she can move to your general area. If she’s not willing to make that sacrifice for you, that should tell you something. I would definitely NOT recommend moving to her location or moving in with her to try and “make it work.”

Good luck, and remember to take care of yourself.

Post # 6
Member
3515 posts
Sugar bee

Run far. Run fast. Run now.

You don’t want to marry someone you fight with on a regular basis. And this girl isn’t interested in you, per se, she’s interested in getting married. That marriage can be with anyone who will agree to her terms,  but she happens to be focused on you at the moment. Is it any wonder her previous relationships imploded?

Most men are scared to death by someone like this, and rightly so. But you’re lonely so you’re not as scared as you should be.

Post # 7
Member
536 posts
Busy bee

 

Vast majority of the time, I’m on the side of the waiting person but in this instance her pain is not your fault. You were honest and upfront and told her you wanted to date at least a year before thinking about marriage. This isn’t unreasonable, especially when you factor in that you’re long distance right now, you fight frequently, and you’ve broken up before. She sounds impulsive, immature and very needy and it’s because of this that she’s in pain. This is also why she keeps repeating the cycle of wanting to marry guys super soon/ fights frequently/ breaks up/ rebounds. She’s not an adult seeking marriage, she’s a child stamping her feet when the fairy tale doesn’t unfold her way. Seriously sounds like she could use some therapy. Or at least some growing up. 

Post # 8
Member
6672 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

R2 :  This girl sucks. She’s not mature enough to be in an actual relationship, let alone married!

I agree with PPs. Run! 

Post # 9
Member
1436 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I agree with the pp’s, this girl is emotionally holding you hostage.  Please free yourself.  You’re not responsible for her emotional well being…..she is.  Its more than okay to NOT be ready for marriage especially if you’ve been upfront about it.

On a different note, in the future please refrain from discussing marriage plans, dreams, thoughts with your SO unless you are actually ready to be married.  Yes women who want to be married love discussing these things but when the male joins in, then you risk setting false expectations of her believing you’re more ready for marriage than you actually are.  Sometimes people hear what they want to hear even if they’ve been told the opposite.  Don’t set yourself up conflict down the road.

And if you find you don’t want to marry your SO, please don’t string her along simply because things are more comfortable for you.  That’s called being a selfish dick. 

But, yeah run from this chick.  GL

Post # 10
Member
6356 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

R2 :  I had a friend like this in college.  Her goal was to get married and she started every new boyfriend knowing that fact.  She’s divorced twice already, that I know of, as well as a broken engagment.  People whose ultimate goal is marriage, no matter to whom, are not going to make good choices about who they marry because the “who” isn’t what they’re thinking about.  Long distance on top of that?  She doesn’t even know you! (and I went from a very LDR to marriage, so I’m not trying to be an ass about it).  I’d split up… her priorities are wayyy off.

ETA: I didn’t read more than half the post but based on other responses, it sounds like this is the least of her problems?  Definitely leave.

Post # 11
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Your girlfriend isn’t looking for a marriage she is looking for a wedding. She wanted to marrry all of her boyfriends but one, but they didn’t stand by her. And you wonder why? They probulary didn’t want to get married either and she pushed them away. You are her next victim. You were up front with her from the begining and told her you didn’t even want to talk about marriage until a year, and she has crossed that boundry over and over again. And because you have never had a girlfriend she is going to play on that big time. Your emotions are in her control if you let her. It’s obvious you know there is something wrong with her otherwise you wouldn’t be on a wedding site asking for help. You better get out fast!!!! Don’t invest anymore of your time into her, the more time you spend with her the more feelings you will catch. And you say you don’t want to see her hurt? But she is hurting you by playing these games. Good luck to you. I hope you take our advice and move on. 

Post # 12
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

You are not hurting her in the slightest. She is hurt because she is looking to someone else (you in this case) to fill a void in her life. She sees a man as the solution to her having the kind of life she wants. Guess what? A mature person would understand that no one is responsible for her happiness but HER. Not you, not her parents, not her friends HER. 

She is super immature and selfish. That is what is going on here. She doesn’t want to marry you, she literally sees marriage as a way to validate herself. That isn’t what marriage is for, and you deserve so much better than a girl who sees you as that. She doesn’t see you. She doesn’t love you. She loves the idea of being married, she doesn’t want to be alone. That is it. 

She has treated you like shit. She dumped you for her ex and then used the tickets you got her to go to a concert with him. You do realize how selfish and immature a person would have to be to pull that shit right? I know its hard for you being in a new city and having few friends. But don’t you see that is all the more reason why you need to cut her out of your life and focus on yourself, where you are right now? You need to be going out and meeting people, making friends, focusing on you, laying the groundwork for the kind of life YOU want. 

I would even guess that you aren’t marriage material yet yourself at this point. Because you are accepting super shitty treatment from a girl that you don’t have to. She is also your first girlfriend and in my experience when I was younger, the people I dated had very little in common with me, weren’t a great long term fit. Because at your age you are still picking people to date for very shallow reasons. You should be picking a girl to date because she is kind, and smart, and funny, and has built a whole life for herself with a job and friends who depend on her, she has her own place, pays her own bills, wants the same lifestyle as you do, is responsible with money, is selfless and always trying to help other people. A woman who WANTS to be a better person. 

Sorry dude, but the girl your currently dating is none of those things. Break up with her, focus on yourself and your life that you are building. There is so much to be proud of doing that where you are! How awesome are you going to feel a year from now knowing you made friends where you are, you built a life you love etc. And now you are ready to find someone to be serious with because you have your life together. Trust me, no girl worth having wants to be with a guy who has no friends, doesn’t have a full life on his own first. So focus on being the best person you can be, and trust me the right girl will come along. 

Post # 13
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: City, State

You need to get out of this relationship.  She isn’t ready for marriage, she just wants a wedding plus she needs therapy.  You can do better than someone who will break up with you for your ex then go back to you when he dumps her again,  she does not respect you.

 

Post # 14
Member
843 posts
Busy bee

Stop feeling guilty for her pain, OP. It is self-inflicted. 

If she were feeling this way after a year and a half, not just a half a year, and you weren’t ready for marriage, I’d say it would be time for you to reevaluate your relationship as a whole to make sure the two of you would ultimately be compatible. 

In this case, though, it is not about overall compatibility. It is about her feeling insufficient without a partner and marriage. She is not in a good place as an individual, and she would rather take the plunge with someone (anyone) to avoid being alone than take the time she needs to become an emotionally healthy person, and thus, a good partner. 

It’s obvious why none of her other relationships went down the road to marriage— no one wanted to be bullied into it. She pitched multiple adult temper tantrums, thinking she could push until they’d give in, and they called her bluff. She will continue this pattern until she finds the sucker she’s looking for. Don’t be that sucker, OP. It’s better to move on. 

Post # 15
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think something happened in her life that’s causing her to be obsessed with the idea of marriage. Does she have a bad/non-existent relationship with her family? Does she not feel loved/supported by the family members in her life? Does she have low self-confidence that is causing her to NEED a man to propose so she feels better about herself? Whatever it is, it seems like this girl wants to get married and she doesn’t care to who. She needs therapy to sort out the issues she’s having. I highly recommend ending things with her. She’s not going to stop pushing the marriage issue and if you end up giving in, who knows if it will even last. If things are meant to be then she’ll get the help she needs and you’ll have a normal relationship later on that could result in a successful future

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