Girlfriend status… “I love you BUT…”

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
isuckatrelationships123 :  HI OP, I am responding so that this thread can be refreshed and brought up in the boards timeline so other bees can respond as well.

 

YOUR ANSWER: Get a job, be prepared to move out, Breakup. Period.

Sounds like you and new bf have lived and dated for 8 months? (aside form working together for three years).

The fact that he is in his later years in life as far as marriage, seems like he is not interested, given his changing reasons to you. Usually men that age want to settle down already w/o games. Due to kids from a prior relationship, and never engaged, seems like he is not going to come around to it.

Marriage or lack therof is a deal breaker for you. You basically have your answer. Move on sweetheart.

ETA: I don’t like that your third option has the idea that you aren’t good enough to marry. Stop that right now. you are worth being someones wife…maybe just not his. 

 Please take this and any other advice into actual consideration for action. GL! 

Post # 3
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

First, get a job.  Then break up and move out.  If he had two other long term relationships after his wife, I don’t think he’s looking for another marriage.

Post # 4
Member
7834 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You need a job. You can’t say you’re all in while you and your kids are living off him after only 8 months.  

I wouldn’t immediately jump to “break up”, but I’d want to get to the bottom of his hesitation. He says he wants it, but his reasons for not keep changing. He can’t keep moving the goal post, that isn’t fair to you. I think if you are having these feelings, you need to sit him down and have a real conversation. No more stalling, no more excuses. 

View original reply
ladama :  You misread the post. The guy doesnt actually say that, that is how the OP feels when she is called a “girlfriend”. He also was previously married, he just didnt marry his other long term girlfriends. 

Post # 5
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
jellybellynelly :  ahhh, got it. 

Nonetheless, decisions need to be made if she is feeling like this. Seems like he will stay in the “not commiting cycle”.

Post # 6
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

Have you only been together 8 months?  I don’t think it’s realistic or fair to expect marriage after only 8 months of dating regardless of how long you knew each other before…

Also I’d get a job stat. You’re acting like a wife, sacrificing your job for his, when you’re nowhere near that stage yet. And honestly, unless the company literally made me quit, I wouldn’t have quit until I found another job regardless of conflict of interest (which can be manage doesn’t necessarily need to be completely eliminated).

Post # 7
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee

Sounds like you already know you made some mistakes moving in and uprooting the kids, so I won’t get into that.

Focus on getting a job ASAP. Then, when you have some resources to move out if you need to, have one more conversation with him to get to the bottom of what the problem is. Find a time where you both aren’t interrupted, away from the kids, so you can hash it out. You need to know one way or the other. Then go from there. Good luck

Post # 8
Member
7477 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Oh, Bee. Get your resume together, pronto, and find a job. You have no real options until you do that. 

You’ve lived together for eight months, how long have you actually been an exclusive couple (not just co-workers)? At least a year or two? If not I understand why he’s not ready. If so, and he just keeps raising the bar or changing the goal posts on you then you know where this is headed–nowhere. 

View original reply
isuckatrelationships123 :  

Post # 9
Member
4996 posts
Honey bee

All of your options have to start with get a job.  Without a doubt.  Staying?  Get a job.  Going?  Get a job.  Crying on mom’s couch?  Get a job.

Also, can you please clarify how long you were actually dating before moving in?  You say you worked together years and have lived together 8 months – how long were you actually dating in the meantime?  And how long prior to dating were you friends?  Not co-workers, not friendly co-workers, not happy hour buddies – actual legitimate friends.  Because if the answer to those questions can given in months like you would answer for a baby/toddler then he may have a point – especially when children are involved. 

Post # 10
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Agree with PPs that these choices don’t really matter until you get a job. That’s step one, and it will give you back control over your own life one way or another.

Post # 11
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

If you break up with him, can you get your old job back since there will be “No conflict of interest”. So break up and get your old job back. it’s only been a few months.

Post # 12
Member
2242 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
isuckatrelationships123 :  why’d you give up your livelihood without having a SERIOUS conversation about lifelong commitment? I’m asking because it sounds like you’ve made a lot of emotional decisions for a short-term relationship that will have lifelong implications to you and your nuclear family. Perhaps look deeper to find out why you feel like this man has been worth all that, and if he’s really even meeting your basic needs as a partner, or if you’ve latched onto him for some other, deeper need?

either way, you sound like an intelligent and highly qualified woman, so you need to get another job— like yesterday. I hope you have a quick and fruitful search. 

focus your immediate energy on securing an income to provide for those who are *actually* vulnerable in this situation (your kids) and sort through the emotional aspects of things later, because as of right now, they’re at the financial mercy of a man who clearly doesn’t have a long-term plan with you ATM.

Post # 13
Member
7834 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Also, does your ex know you quit your job? Doesn’t this hugely impact your custody agreement?

Post # 14
Bee
5133 posts
Bee Keeper

Never ever sacrifice in a relationship. It’s a terrible idea for many reasons. Compromise is fine,  but there’s a big difference between the two. I think you should get a job, move out and see others. Don’t move in with the next man until marriage is on the table. 

Post # 15
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee

Firstly, look after your kids and yourself. You have all these qualifications and love your career so go back to that. Show your kids that you have control of your life and rebuild your self esteem and confidence. That sets them a good example.

Secondly, sit him down and tell him how you really feel about all these excuses he has given you that you have tried, as you say to “fix”. Tell him what you feel about his hesitation and that you clearly see yourself as someone who wants to be married to a man that truly wants to commit to you and your kids heart and soul.  His saying ” It wouldn’t be appropriate” after all you have been through including losing a child is pretty damn low in my books.

Thirdly, listen to him. If he is still unsure of what he wants and comes up with more reasons why he just can’t see himself getting married then you have a choice to make. Do you want to invest any more of your kids feelings into this relationship if it is not going where you wish it to go? Do you want to stay with him knowing that it very well may not lead to marriage or do you want to take your children and find a partner who sincerely wants to be your husband and father to your children?

I wish you well bee.

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