Girlfriend status… “I love you BUT…”

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 16
6958 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Another Bee voting for FIND A JOB ASAP. You are a mother of three children. Unless you somehow manage to suddenly become independently wealthy, You do not ever get to have a life plan that includes you not having an income while your children are minors. Your children should not ever be at the mercy of the status of your relationship.

It sounds like you’ve decided to put all of your eggs (and your little chicks, too) into the basket of a man with a questionable commitment history. That is concerning.

Also, your children have a father- why are they calling this man “Dad”? How long has he been in their lives?

Your SO said you barely know each other and, like the other posters, I’m also curious how long the two of you have been in a relationship? Maybe he feels as though you are moving faster than he is comfortable moving. 

Post # 17
1144 posts
Bumble bee

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isuckatrelationships123 :  I thought of your last suggestion before I came to read it: move back in with parents for a while. However, you have joint custody, so this is probably much more complicated than just moving home,

Just because you’re not marriage material to him doesn’t mean you aren’t the perfect woman for someone else. Cut your losses and find an amazing job, and make a fresh start. Thankfully you didn’t waste that much time with this guy. You’re still so young! Just make sure when you meet the next one, you have the commitment you’re looking for before you move in. You owe it to yourself and your kids. 

Post # 18
8947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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TwilightRarity :  Yes to every word of this. 

isuckatrelationships123 :  Please reread the post above, especially this: “Your children should not ever be at the mercy of the status of your relationship.” But also all the rest. 

You say “Marriage is really important to me, especially with the kids. Even though my first marriage failed, I truly believe in committing to one person for the rest of my life” but this sounds completely backwards to me. Your kids do not need you to be married, they need you to provide stability and model healthy relationships. This might or might not include you getting married. If you don’t meet someone worthy of committing to while you’re raising your kids, it will be damaging to them to get married anyway just for the sake of being married. They don’t need to be moved in with boyfriends who might want to get married “someday”, they sure don’t need to be calling that guy “dad” (?!?), and they definitely do not need you to be financially dependent on him. It sounds like maybe you know this now, so get a job, move out, and learn from this experience. Best wishes to you.

Post # 19
2060 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Wait, stay at home GIRLFRIEND who? Girl, please get a job like yesterday. You have 0 security and 3 kids and you’re more concerned about this guy not marrying you after 8 months!? I’m sorry but you are already aware that you’ve made some pretty illogical choices based on your feelings. I would think you would have learned after being married and divorced already before and being old enough to do better now. You are seriously doing a huge injustice to your children more than anyone because their stability cannot be supported by your feelings for a guy. They need real stability not potential for it. Throw the whole bf away or keep him but get a job no matter what you decide. 

Post # 20
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I completely agree with 

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TwilightRarity :   

As an aside, what is stopping you from looking for a job now?  Why can you only look for a job if you are going to break up? 

Really, your relationship shouldn’t be the focus right now.  Get a job, and be stable yourself.  Then when you have options, have a talk to him about your future.

Honestly a part-time mum to older kids with no job lounging around my house would be a huge turnoff, and I probably wouldn’t want to put a ring on it.  

Post # 21
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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isuckatrelationships123 :  

Bee, you gave up your very livelihood for this guy who has made no commitment and has a crappy relationship track record. That move makes you and your children 100% dependent on your bf. That translates into 100% vulnerable.

Your dependency taints your ability to see your situation realistically. You have to fix this, Bee.

The other Bees are right:  get a job. Like, yesterday.

Only then will you be able to really get what’s happening here. 

What drove you to abandon your life and to leap into this?

Post # 22
2350 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I understand you had to leave your specific job, but I don’t see why you couldn’t have just tried to find another, especially with all your qualifications. Is there something else going on? Did he encourage you to not work?

Post # 23
936 posts
Busy bee

I agree with 

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happiekrappie :  in that I’m battling to understand why you gave up your job for a relationship with an uncertain future, unless it was wishful thinking?

For now, I’m going to assume that this is one of those mistakes that you regret. Of course I agree with the other Bees that you should focus on finding a job. Once you have financial independence, your choices open up and you will start to feel so much better about yourself. Honestly, I really firmly believe that no one should give up their financial independence lightly, and definitely not without at least the security of a marriage or a contract of some sort. Not having a job and money of your own really puts you on the backfoot in the relationship.

That aside, how long have you been together? Your post makes it sound like it hasn’t been that long, but you do not specify.

If it’s only been 8 months or not that much longer, then it’s way too soon to be pushing for marriage. There’s nothing wrong with talking about it and discussing where the two of you see yourselves and where you see the relationship going, but you need to give it time to unfold naturally as well. So knowing how long you have been together (as an official couple) would help.

I agree his responses are frustrating. But if you don’t mind me saying so, you come across as terribly insecure and filled with angst in your post. I wonder whether part of this is to do with being financially dependent on him. But you seem rather fixated on this idea of not being “good enough” for him or him not being “into” you. Do you suffer with low self-esteem? Anxiety? Are you actively working on these issues or seeing a therapist for them?

I can’t make a determination one way or the other whether your relationship is one which has a chance or is worth fighting for from your post. But I would suggest that some work on yourself and your own life to get you to a better place and better headspace would benefit you a lot.

Post # 24
936 posts
Busy bee

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sassy411 :  

I agree with the rest of your post, but in what sense does the OP’s boyfriend have a “crappy relationship history”?

Having two 4 year relationships which did not end in marriage is hardly a hanging offence.

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