Girlfriend unhappy with engagement ring

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

My exh proposed with a hideous ginormous sim sapphire that must have been 4 carats or more. In a fancy cut. I hated it. Still do. But it was my engagement ring and I still have it today. 

I never really wore it but, he gave me a lovely wedding band and I wore that all the time. 

A couple years later we saved up and he gave me a 3/4 carat diamond ring in a setting I helped to pick. 

My point is if you can’t afford another ring right now, then let her know you plan to get her one for an anniversary gift in 3-5 years. She can wear the engagement ring or get a cheap cz ring in the mean time or wear nothing. Hopefully it won’t be a big deal if she knows you intend to get her a new ring eventually and that it just isn’t financially a good idea now. 

 

But, if you can afford another ring now, then consider just getting it. 

Post # 47
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

anonymousbee001 :  to be fair, some of us spend money on large moissanites because we like them to look like moissanites lol. OP never said they bought the stone to mimic a diamond. Based on the first post it sounds like the idea of passing it off as a diamond came after the fact. 

Post # 48
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

My post seems to have disappeared while editing a typo:

mrstodd2bee :  the OP very clearly pointed out that she had said she was okay with moissanite. Before going out of your way to make him/her feel like crap, it would be good to read the OP’s posts. Moissanite is relatively mainstream these days. I don’t see why (especially if she’s said in passing that she’s okay with it) OP should have had to clear it with her. Then again, I suppose that has to do with whether or not you like the tradition of surprise. Had OP given her a sapphire I somehow doubt they’d be getting as much trouble over this. It’s a gift and the OP was honest about what the stone was. There’s no obligation for a person to disclose what materials a ring is made of before a proposal (and in the same vein there’s no obligation for a recipient to love a ring unconditionally either).

OP, it’s a beauty. It really is gorgeous and you obviously put a lot of effort and research into this… but it is huge. I wear a 3 carat equivalent on a size 6.5 (so similar finger coverage but a significantly smaller stone), that my husband surprised me with, and it’s a lot of ring. That said, I had already owned a few moissanites and was very comfortable “owning” it. 5 carats is a lot of ring for ANYONE, and don’t feel bad that she’s unsure about it. I love the idea a previous poster had about putting a gemstone in (since as it turns out she seems uncomfortable about having to explain a moissanite).

Post # 48
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

dundee :  oh man. You really worked hard and should get MAJOR points for that. 
What if this ring was a ring she could wear and keep for special occasions, since it’s the magical ring you proposed with (That always has some magic for us..)

and you both looked together for something she love love loved? Then you get to keep your points, she gets to feel heard and loved, she has something that brings her all the butterflies of excitement every time she looks at it 🙂

win-win. plus, ring shopping together can be really fun 

Post # 49
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee

chelbell23 :  I did see the update. If you read carefully, I wasn’t objecting to moissanite in general, just the suggestion that the OP’s fiance “loses credibility” by being uncomfortable with a 5 carat moissanite but not a 5 carat diamond.  While I can see circumstances where spending a couple hundred on a moissanite ring makes sense, personally, I do find spending thousands on a moissanite to be a waste, given that the price of the simulant has decreased substantially. I’ve often noticed people spending more on a moissanite ring than they would have spent on a similar diamond ring, if they were more savvy buyers.

Post # 50
Member
9367 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I don’t take her saying she wouldn’t have an issue if it were a 5 carat diamond to mean she’s actually asking for one — I think she meant that in that case, she wouldn’t have to feel awkward answering all the “is it real??” questions and she’d be more comfortable with the size.

OP, I’m sorry your fiancee didn’t like the ring you picked out — it sounds like you put alot of time into thinking about what to get her. But rings are very much a style/preference thing and her not digging it doesn’t mean she doesn’t dig you. It sounds like you care about making her happy, so I’d pick out a ring for her together that she’ll love. Good luck and congrats on the engagement!

Post # 51
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

anonymousbee001 :  I’m not sure why you were tagged in my comment actually, I didn’t mean to tag you.

But as far as spending thousands on a moissanite ring when they could get similar in diamond for less – some people just don’t like diamonds, and do like moissanite. 

Post # 52
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

p.s. I’m not sure why some are hating on his woman, or why we’re even debating the merit of her feelings. 
She feels how she feels, and I’m sure there are good reasons for it. 
She was honest – and that’s REALLY HARD, especially when it comes to something this sensitive. 

@dundee, this could be of comfort at least: she was honest with you. That’s something rare…I know many women who *hate* their rings and won’t tell their fiance…but will tell their girlfriends. 

you can come up with something amazing together, and it doesn’t have to be crazy expensive. My future fiance and I designed ours together with stones we inherited – sometimes jewelers will make you something really special, and even take old gold jewelry you have and offset the cost. When you work with an artisan, you’re not only saving money, you’re helping them out. The jewelry business is a bit rough right now. 

just an idea…but there are a milliion ways to find a good ring that you both really love, that won’t set you back an insane amount of money. 

I’m thinking from this you wanted to get her something flashy and big and bright, and it shows that you really took pride in what you provided. and so you should- it’s a generous ring. It will be beautiful on special occasions, and one day you can tell the story of your incredible quest to find something for every day, and how you won with the perfect ring 🙂 

Post # 53
Member
3180 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

anonymousbee001 : fyi it’s usually NOT “thousands” for the moissanite itself.  You can find moissanite on ebay for less than $50 or less than $400-$600 for the large “branded” ones ..  It’s the *settings* (often with genuine diamonds) that the sims are put in that account for most of that high cost. Settings cost the same of course for moissanite/cz, or diamonds or other gemstones.

TheGridMonster :  regarding 5 carat equiv sim vs 5 ct dia, you said: “I think she meant that in that case, she wouldn’t have to feel awkward answering all the “is it real??” questions”

Yep, agree with that.

Post # 54
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee

chelbell23 :  That’s fair, although a lot of people do buy it to mimic a diamond. Still, I personally find spending thousands on a moissanite ring a waste of money, just as I would for a cz ring in which the stone was replaced periodically.

Post # 55
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada

I think the stone would look amazing reset as a solitaire necklace pendant, if that’s something you’d both be open to. As PP’s have mentioned, she’d be much less likely to have to defend herself/both of your jewelry tastes/your decision to choose such a large simulant ring with a smaller moissanite. I wish you both the best of luck with whichever choice you come to together regarding this.

Post # 56
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

OP, your heart was on the right place and it sounds like you put lots of effort into trying to meet your fiancé’s brief. Don’t take it personally she still wants to marry you but she’s probably a bit omg that is a lot of ring and doesn’t want to explain why she is sporting a ring in the Mariah Carey range when I’m sure you both don’t live the rest of the Mariah lifestyle. 

From the sounds of things, she wanted a ring that was mindful of budget and that wouldn’t draw too many questions as to exactly what stone it was. It sounds like she was OK with a moissy but in a more realistic carat range. Many people are stil weird about white stones that are not diamonds and it sounds like she was trying to protect you as much as her from the ridiculous judgement from said people. I don’t understand people’s judgement and as someone who owns a cluster and I’m sure has had a few people behind my back say something. It’s not even about me because I picked my ring, it’s about my husbands feelings as he was so proud to give me my ring and we once had an aunty of his tell him after examining my ring at close range that he should of bought me one big diamond. He was crushed and I saw it on his face the moment I his aunty said something. People can be assholes and I think your fiance is just worried about the comments and snide remarks from those around her.

Honestly, I’d keep the setting. Get a new head soldered on for a smaller stone and get her another moisaanite and then as a surprise her the original moissy set as a pendant. It’ll probably cost another 1000 dollars to do this but I’d look on ebay for a preloved moissy in a brand/cut you trust.

Relationships are about being honest and navigating the hard stuff. This is a spanner in the works and it will pass and it will probably be something in the future you will tease eachother about as long as you both compromise and see that both of you are coming from a good place. She loves you as she did say yes and she probably agonised about how to say this to you without causing hurt. You love her because you obviously put a lot of thought into her ring and trying to meet her brief. It just ended up being a bit of miscommunication and that happens at the best of times when two people are involved.

Goid luck and don’t get stuck on this. At the end if the day a ring is just a pretty bauble to mark a minute in time. It’s what you do with all the other minutes that reflects a good relationship because at the end of the day we say yes at the proposal but we choose to say yes to our relationship every single day after that too. 

Post # 57
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee

I would think 5 ct is too large. I also would have been disappointed with a moissanite. dundee :  

Post # 58
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

There absolutely a difference between a 5ct diamond and moissanite equivalent, however, I don’t think the latter is more so. If anything, a whopping diamond is incredibly flashing vs. a simulant which the masses are likely to perceive in a negative light. It sucks because I am entirely sure the ring you purchased is absolutely gorgeous, but being so large, it will garner much inquiry. 

I hate so much that she had a negative reaction. It is good that she was honest with you though. Did she have any idea she was getting a moissanite? If not, then I’m not surprised by her restful, unfortunately. As many others have said, take her with you/shop together online and find the ring of her dreams. It’s a hard pill to swallow not being well received, but the situation is easily remedied!

Post # 59
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

dundee :  I’m really sorry that this experiance did not turn out how you dreamed it would, it sounds like you put a lot of effort in. Unfortunately I believe most people would react how your SO did. I would work at finding something together and enjoying the next phase of your relationship. 

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