(Closed) Give boyfriend ultimadum?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Nothing is going to change when you get married, marriage should just be the icing on the cake.

If being with this man isn’t making you completely happy now, a ring won’t change that.

Post # 4
8575 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m not a fan of ultimadums at all, I feel like they put alot of pressure on the man, and sometimes they ask only because you pressured them, it can cause problems year down the road, he may even resent you for it.

I would suggest giving it a few months, he might be working up to it. If it doesn’t happen in a few months, you should then have a serious talk about a projection date. Don’t give him the ole’ “well if we aren’t engaged in 2 months, I’m leaving”, but let him know that you are serious and you’d like a timeframe.

I would also suggest having an open discussion on why he is so timid to marry, there may be an underlying problem. My brother has refused to marry for years… his [first childs mother], left him over this and married some jerk not even 3 weeks later! All she cared about was a ring. My brother has now been dating a new woman for 6 years, and they still aren’t even thinking about marriage. Our mother has been divorced 3 times, and it scares the crap out of him. Divorce and trauma effects people in different ways.

Good luck!

ETA : I was once like my brother.. I didn’t believe in marriage. But once I met the right one.. that all changed.

Post # 5
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@waiting123:  I agree with the PP; your relationship now is (or at least should be) how your relationship is married. Especially since you guys live together in a house you bought together–the only difference now would be a ring and a name change.

If this isn’t a relationship that’s making you 100% happy now, it will never be. What if he proposes? Will you feel like he only did it out of pressure (even if he didn’t)?

He told you a while back that he didn’t believe in marriage, and honestly that should have been a red flag then. Does he want kids?

You guys need to sit down and have a talk about all of your future plans, and what both of you want; complete honesty, and see if you’re on the same page.

If you guys aren’t together on these big life milestones, then you have to make a decision about what you want and what you’re willing to compromise on. If you guys can’t even have the talk about it, then it’s time to consider what kind of relationship you have in the first place.

I hope you get what you want, OP. I know it’s hard and frustrating to feel like you’re so close and so far at the same time. ((hugs))

Post # 6
5188 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@somersetdarling:  +1000


OP, marriage will change nothing about your relationship. You’ve already been together 5 years and own a home with this man. Is it marriage you want or just a wedding?

Post # 7
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you really want to give him an ultimatum, you need to think about the consequences. Are you really going to be happy with a proposal that comes from that? Likewise, are you really ready to leave if one doesn’t come? I always felt like both options in that situation were awful…but it’s your choice.

Post # 8
2268 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@somersetdarling:  +1!


Also, do you want to marry someone that you have to give an ultimatum to? Wouldn’t it sort of feel worse knowing the proposal only came because of a demand?

I don’t know. Maybe we are missing some of the story. Are you not otherwise happy living with this man?

Post # 9
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@waiting123:  do you want him to propose bc he felt forced to keep you? Or do you want a genuine proposal? I dont like ultimatums. And being that he didnt believe in marriage but then said he was “joking” worries me. DHs best friend is lime this, he will say anything to a girl to keep them but nevr give them what they want. So he could just be filling your head with smoke. I would not have bought a house with someone before there was some sort of engagement.

Post # 10
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@waiting123:  do you want him to propose bc he felt forced to keep you? Or do you want a genuine proposal? I dont like ultimatums. And being that he didnt believe in marriage but then said he was “joking” worries me. DHs best friend is lime this, he will say anything to a girl to keep them but nevr give them what they want. So he could just be filling your head with smoke. I would not have bought a house with someone before there was some sort of engagement.

Post # 11
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I don’t get the whole ‘nothing will change when you get married/if you’re not happy now then you won’t be happy when you’re married thing’. Marriage is (supposed to be) a lifetime commitment. A commitment to be with that person for the rest of your life, to settle down and now look out for a family. A lot of security (emotional security) comes when a guy is willing and ready to make that commitment to a girl. There’s a lot of uneasiness being with a guy who is not ready or willing to settle down. It takes an emotional toll on a girl being with a guy for a long time who doesn’t want to/isn’t ready to commit. It’s hard, really hard. and you don’t want to have the regret of wasting half a decade of your life with someone who ends up not being willing to commit. 

so I don’t think you are being unfair at all. He knows exactly where you stand. Having a family/being married is obviously important to you. 

I don’t think the ultimatum route is the way to go, bevaluate ultimately you want him to marry you because he wants to, not because he was ‘forced to when he was not ready because he was scared of losing you’….thats not a good ingredient for a solid husband. 

I think a timeline talk would be beneficial. Draw your line in the sand. It’s not like you just started dating…you’ve invested a lot in this guy. Does he think buying a house with you bought him another 5 years before he has to do anything? At least make sure his definition of soon is the same as yours. Try to get on the same page. I wonder what his commitment issues are- have you two ever discussed this And what they stem from? 




Post # 12
119 posts
Blushing bee

Only give an ultimatium if you are ready to follow thru with the consequences.




I wouldn’t have move in without a ring, but you did.  So he knows he “got away” with not proposing even though you said you want a proposal b/f moving in.  What is his incentive to propose?  He has all the benefits of  a live in partner without taking your wishes into consideration.




Think carefuly about delivering an “or else” warning.




Post # 13
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@waiting123:  Dear Gos I feel like I am reading the play by play of my first marriage!  My ex husband told me he didn’t want to get married early in our relationship and I responded that I wasn’t interested in dating a man who didn’t want to get married.  He backtracked and said that it would be different with me so he would be okay marrying me.

A few years later we discussed buying a house but I wasn’t comfortable buying a house with someone I wasn’t married to.  A few months later he proposed and we started searching for a house.  We bought a house and shortly thereafter got married.  Our marriage was a nightmare.  He was never happy with anything.  The house was never clean enough and he didn’t feel like hanging out with our friends anymore (they were a group of married couples that got together every 2-3 weeks).

A year into the marriage he decided he didn’t like being married and changed his mind about having kids so that he no longer wanted any (another issue we discussed before geting married because I was adamant about having kids.)  I told him I was still young and the first year is always tough so we could put kids on the backburner for now and discuss it when I was ready to have kids.  In the meantime, I was to consider whether I wanted to stay married even if we didn’t have kids.

Another year later and things were only worse but since my parents had divorced I was determined to make the marriage work so I shut up about kids and let my ex pretty much do whatever he wanted so he would have nothing to complain about in our marriage.  I became more and more miserable and ultimately we ended up accidentally pregnant.  He freaked out and stopped talking to me.  I was so sick that I ended up in the ER with severe dehydration; the icing on the cake was that I had to drive myself because he refused to take me.  He didn’t argue when I decided to get an abortion since it was clear to me he didn’t want our child and I wasn’t prepared to be a single mom.  But still I stayed with him and I was miserable.

The New Year after the baby I came home from work to find him on the couch listening to break up music.  He told he didn’t want to be married and that he never believed in marriage.  He only married me because I wanted it and now he didn’t want it anymore.  I had wasted over 5 years with a man who told me he didn’t want to be married on one of our first dates!!!

Listen to your guy, he doesn’t want to get married.  Speak to attorney about how to secure your interest in the house or whether it’s a better idea to sign a quit claim deed (this is what I did so I wouldn’t have to deal with my ex anymore after the divorce.)  Trust me, getting a divorce is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my entire life.  I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  If you can walk away now then do it.  No matter what he tells you to your face, he has already told you multiple times he doesn’t believe in marriage and you should listen to him and get out ASAP.

Post # 14
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Giving an ultimatium is the easy way out, it leaves the decision in the other person’s hands.

Make the decision for yourself. I’ve been with my man for 7 years this last Feb and he’s had the ring for at least 4 months now and he hasn’t proposed even though we agreed it woudl have happened last year.

I know that I’ll get that ring eventually, but what matters most, is I’m happy now, without it. With him.

Think about what’s most important to you. 

Also, give him some credit. He’s a guy and most don’t like putting time frames on these lifebinding things. 

If it comes down to it, and you really need to, I would suggest you ask him to give you the time frame he’s thinking of in which to get engaged and married.

If hasn’t been thinking about it, then ask him to and that you’ll come back to it and discuss it later.

Post # 15
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I disagree with most earlier posters, I think marriage DOES change things. Granted I’m not married yet, but just being ENGAGED has changed my relationship with my fiance – neither for the better or worse, but every decision now comes with its own special brand of “we both have to be happy with this decision because it will effect both of us equally”, and we are accordingly that much more invested and passionate about the debate and decision. I didn’t realize how much we were both willing to just let stuff blow by before we got engaged because hey, if we didn’t like it we could always up and leave. I can only imagine being married will multiply this difference in our relationship. That’s what commitment does, I guess.

And I don’t think it’s fair for people to come down on you for only caring about a wedding. That’s BS!!! I am planning a wedding right now, and honestly, don’t give a crap about it except I want my guests to have a good party. The wedding is BS. But I also knew that I wanted to be married, because marriage is a legal and social contract that comes with rights that are NOT BS – division of assets after divorce, health insurance, ability to have children and miss work without falling under the poverty line, end of life and medical decisions. You are not selfish or shallow for demanding a relationship that promises them as a possibility, if all goes well.

I support your ultimatum decision if you truly decide that being in a marriage is more important to you than being with your current SO – and no judgment if it is. I remember being a “waiting bee” myself, and there was so much more to the issue than just health insurance or a wedding. Once you feel really ready, and he SEEMS ready but doesn’t ask, your mind starts to wonder and question – what’s wrong with me, what am I missing? Even though he seems like he loves me and wants to be with me, he clearly doesn’t if he won’t make this final commitment. Why can all my sisters and friends get engaged, what is different about them that makes them marriagable and me not marriagable? Maybe these are silly thoughts, but I believe it takes self confidence of steel to completely overcome all these thoughts and fears of unworthiness…

Anyway, this is a long passionate post because I wanted to give you support for your ultimatum decision. You have the right to want to be married, it is not necessarily a silly or shallow desire. You were mature and honest enough to be open with your SO from the beginning of the relationship. He has not treated you in kind.

If I were you, I would sit my SO down and have a gentle, loving talk. Tell him that marriage is important to you and why. Tell him how waiting has made you feel. Give him the opportunity to really open up to you about WHY he is afraid. Is there anything you, he, or a relationship counselor can do that would help him get on the same page as you about marriage? And then tell him lovingly that you want to give him a chance, but if nothing has changed by X-month/season/holiday, you will have to move on from the relationship because you can’t be happy for the rest of your life living with a person who refuses to legally and socially commit to you.

Post # 16
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

It seems like you’ve given him ultimatums throughout this and yet you’ve stayed when he hasn’t proposed. What makes you think this time will be any different? You’ve shown him you won’t really walk out and he keeps telling you he’ll change and he hasn’t. He throws you something else hoping it’ll placate you and you stay and in his mind, the matter’s settled. 

Personally, I don’t like ultimatums. You shouldn’t have to force someone’s hand. If, as adults, neiher of you can come to an agreement on what you both want maybe it’s time to reevaulate the relationship. Do you see yourself happy just living with him or do you need the ring on your finger? That’s what you need to ask yourself and *follow through* with what’s best for you. 

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