(Closed) Given family diamond, now MIL is causing drama over it

posted 5 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@ERnurse:  awww no ! i’m so sorry you’re feeling that way mother in laws can be tricky sometimes … do you think maybe after seeing the ring on your finger she is having regrets ? and maybe being a bit selfish ?

 

I know you didn’t ask for advice , but play it by ear see how she acts towards you for the next few months , maybe she really does have issues and that can be hard b/c one minute you’re up then the next you’re down and you can take things out on anyone , and you may be the target right now 🙁 … so sorry i’m sure it will pass and you’ll feel better …

Post # 4
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ERnurse:  she is just using this to make you feel guilty… Unfortunately my mom does the same thing. Afterwards she always feels bad and says she just used whatever leverage she had at the time. I suspect your Mother-In-Law is doing the same thing. 🙁 I would have your husband confront her about it and say this really isn’t acceptable and it also isn’t going to encourage you to treat her better… My Future Mother-In-Law pulls the same sort of thing all the time so we’ve stopped accepting anything from her. :/

Post # 5
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

I didn’t realize this would be a risk with a heirloom ring, but now that I think lf it, PPs are absolutely right, they could come with “strings attached.”

Guess I’m glad my Fiance already got my ring, by the time my Future Mother-In-Law offered us hers. I really appreciated the offer (we weren’t expecting it at all) but now I’m even more glad we said no, because unfortuantely she is this kind of person as well.

Sorry to hear it, but with these kind of MILs, if it’s not the ring, it’s something else… sigh…their sons make it all worthwhile though, huh? 🙂

Post # 6
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Aw I’m sorry to hear that.  I’d gently apologize to her (since you said she has mental health issues) for any occasion where she may have felt you offended her, and reiterate that you thought the diamond was a gift to her son, to give to the woman he wanted to spend his life with.

Post # 9
Member
1101 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ERnurse:  The ring isn’t from her, it is from your Fiance.  She gave it to him to put on the finger of the women he loves and wants to marry.

Just keep repeating that to yourself (and to her if needed, but not in a defensive way).  It was given in love from your Fiance.

I’m sorry she is being hurtful towards you.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Ugh, that stinks, I’m so sorry. If she continues in this vein, it might be worth it to buy a diamond (or other stone) to replace the heirloom one in your ring and just give the stone back to her, though your H might be better able to guess if she will just transfer her attention to some other detail of your lives if she didn’t have the heirloom stone to focus on…

Post # 11
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ERnurse:  I feel somewhat in a similar situation (relationship). My Future Mother-In-Law is a gossipy, jealous and very judgemental person. My ering is custom designed and I did all the hard work. I shopped for the center stone and the design of the entire ring. I did all the research as well. I don’t have a diamond as a center stone, but a white sapphire. I am not a big fan of diamonds and I chose a white sapphire as I love sapphires and the Maid/Matron of Honor is 9. Diamond is a 10. Not a big difference. I have a huge center stone and I was stressing on how my Future Mother-In-Law and some people in my F’s family will criticize and judge me. I have spoken to my F about this and a friend of mine and they have been my cheering squad. F have told me to not care as it’s mine and ours and his mother’s opinion shouldn’t matter. A friend of mine has said if they don’t accept what you want and who you are, then screw them! I not stressing about it anymore as I am now just super excited to get it. Also my MFIL has stopped communicating with me months ago and it has hurt me as I know I did nothing wrong. I totally understand why it bothers you and I hope you will not think of your ering to be a part of her. It’s YOURS and it’s not her that is on your finger. I hope that makes any kind of sense. it will take some time, but you will learn to love your ring and whenever you see it you will remember your H and happiness.

Post # 12
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@wabanzi:  Yes, yes, and more yes!  Wonderfully put.

 

If there is one pet peeve that I have in life, it is when people trick you into taking emotional baggage.  Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds like she is being a royal douche canoe, and mental illness is not an excuse (just treated with a bit more patience) for bad behavior that goes uncorrected, especially if she is aware of her condition.  Gifts do not come with strings and for her to not only suggest that they do with her guilt trip, but to also pull said imaginary strings like you’re some sort of puppet or pawn for her to manipulate is despicably contrived and egocentric.  However, this commentary  is not super helpful as getting worked-up over this will only make things worse.  Just remember that it was your FI’s gift to give (no matter what his mother would like to think) and you shouldn’t let anyone, especially someone who you know is struggling, taint such a special gift.  As for her, I really don’t like it when this behavior goes unchecked and is enabled, so if you decide to tell her that she hurt you without giving you any real idea as to why, do so calmly, gently, and with a certain amount of seriousness that tells her that you want a good relationship with her but that you will not put up with dramatics.

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