- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015 - Los Angeles Arboretum In front of the fountain
In your opinion: What are the Pros and Cons of giving your man an ultimatum?
After a year of “we’re getting there, it’ll happen soon” talks, I knew that I needed to be true to myself and voice my needs to him. We talked about Summer 2015 wedding plans in fairly great detail last December, and he even mapped out a timeline for us on a little napkin in a cafe. (Move in, Get Engaged, Get Married, Kids, Buy House, etc.) It made me soooo happy to know that we were on the right path towards a future together. We’ve been going to premarital counseling for months, he tells me he can see a real future with me, he wants to have kids with me… and yet he is absolutely petrified about making the leap into marriage. His parent’s marriage broke up due to his dad treating his mom poorly, and he is afraid of the same cycle happening to us. He is the most amazing guy I have ever been with and treats me with such love, kindness, and respect, and yet he has some deep-rooted self esteem issues. His Dad was a perfectionist, and expected perfection from his son. Perfect grades, etc. He didn’t show much love or approval towards his son. To this day he still has issues with being not only “good enough” but “top of his game”.
He’s afraid that he will take me for granted, and treat me poorly the way his dad did to his mom. He’s afraid that we’ll be broke (He makes $100 K right now, but may be going to business school next year, I make about $40K), he’s also not “ready yet”.
After all the counseling, I had a serious talk with him yesterday and realized he’s nowhere near ready, and I don’t know if he’ll ever feel truly “ready”. He’s terrified of marriage, but he’s not at all terrified about having kids. In fact he told his mom “If she got pregnant, this would be such an easier decision!”
He hates making decisions. So I told him (Which I really didn’t want to do but I feel at this point I had to… I was ready to walk).
1. Do you have a plan in place? (We talked about engagement in June, and I KNOW he still had no ring. June is 2 weeks away. Also moving in together this summer.) He said he knew he said June, but he’s still not ready emotionally and has no idea when he would be 100% ready.
2. If you’re not ready, I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. I love you with all my heart, but I just can’t keep doing this. I am almost 30 years old, and want to have kids soon. I want you to be happy, but I can’t be here waiting untill some day in the future.
3. He broke down crying really badly, and eventually called me saying he wanted to see me to talk about our relationship. I came over to give him his key back, and to take mine back, and he kept telling me how I was the most stable part of his life, and his biggest source of happiness. How he couldn’t see his life without me. I looked into his teary eyes (I was teary too of course) and said that waiting for the “surprise proposal” and hearing him say he still wasn’t ready was driving me absolutely crazy. It is SOOO hurtful to know that the man you see as your future husband, father of your children, etc. is still unsure about you. Every time he tells me he loves me it feels like a lie because why would he lead me on if he really loved me? I didn’t want a “surprise proposal”, I didn’t even care about the ring that much, but what I cared about is making this huge decision together. Not just in the old-fashioned man does the decision making way. We are both partners in this relationship, and it is so unfair to have one person with all the power. I knew I couldn’t keep going the way we had been for the past year, of me hoping every single holiday or trip would “Be it”.
4. He gave me a new timeline of August, but that is my absolute walk-away date (and I told him so). I straight up asked him if he wanted to marry me. He said yes, he’s just scared. So we talked about getting engaged, but not doing any wedding planning until we both felt OK with it. No need for added pressure. He liked that idea. I asked him to please not make me wait until August, I really was hoping for June as we had originally talked about. He said “OK, June… how long does it take to custom order the ring we both like?” I was ecstatic…. I know that I am majorly pressuring him, but I think it’s what he needs. (He even told me so). At this point in our relationship I’m ready for us to take the next step of living together, planning a future together. He told me he knows I’m The One, he’s just afraid of Marriage, Commitment, Forever, and Failing. I can absolutely understand that…
I’m not happy that there had to be so much drama involved in pushing him towards the ring (not the alter yet, we agreed that’s the next stepping stone). And of course I think we all want the romantic happily ever after surprise proposal, but this isn’t a fairy tale. This is real life where both people need to make the decisions of whether they want to continue building their lives together or not. Sorry for such a long post! What do you guys think?
<br />By the way… for those ladies who may recommend “just living together without a ring”. That is not an option for me, and I made it very clear to him from the start that I am not comfortable living together without at least the engagement commitment. 🙂