(Closed) Giving Him an Ultimatum: Pros and Cons?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

lovelyd126:  I waited 6 years and when I started hounding him he got really upset because he wanted it to be a surprise.  I’m glad he has a plan now.  Just let it happen.

Post # 17
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

lovelyd126: Awesome! I’m kind of confused about logistics though, because it sounds like June / July get engaged + move in by Aug (and get committed to a 1 year lease, to end Aug 2015?) 

FFI to go to b-school Fall 2014? Fall 2015? (This year and next year get confusing when you’re talking calendar vs. academic year)

Also really liked the promotion timeline example. He might find project management templates + decision trees helpful in wedding planning. For me (I’m the businessy one of the two of us) it’s helped me tremendously in terms of working with vendors and getting Fiance + vendors aligned and delivering. So far, not stressful!

Post # 19
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

lovelyd126:  I really hope it all works out for you but the agreement to get engagement but not start planning the wedding until he feels ready concerns me…what happens if you get engaged and then he never decides he is ready to start planning the wedding? This could drag out for quite a while. Is it the thoughts of having a ‘big wedding’ that scares him? Or is he equally as scared by eg. going to the court house and doing it?

Post # 20
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

lovelyd126:  We’re May 2015 in Sonoma, CA — we got engaged last summer, but took our time planning since our work tends to be unpredictable with minimum 50 hour weeks. 

Since you might be moving for Fall 2015, that’s something to consider — how you feel about starting a new job AND wedding planning, or hurrying through wedding planning to be married before the start of BSchool. We were able to set a date because we’re not leaving our apartment. Ever ๐Ÿ™‚

The project management templates are helpful for those who don’t understand that events don’t happen overnight. He sounds like he’ll probably get it once you lay it out there! Keep us updated, ok girl?

Post # 21
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

lovelyd126:  Since you have already said all this to him I would not say anything for a couple of months. I’m sure he has this on his mind and will propose when he is ready! There would be nothing worse than for him to propose, feel like he was pushed and then freak out when it comes to wedding planning. It sounds like he loves you very much, but now that you have given him a push I would give him some time to make it happen.

Post # 22
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

lovelyd126:  I would never give an ultimatum to my SO, he knows I want to get married – we already have children. However, we are due to move on the weekend so after many conversations and tears (off both of us) I have told him in no uncertain terms that if he has not proposed and a date set by the time we have to move again (6 months) we will still be boyfriend and girlfriend but I could no longer live in the same Home as him! Although I know that he would be there after work everyday to help with the children and put them to bed etc. And deep down I know this won’t happen because I’d rather be with him unmarried and happy than without him and miserable. 

As you have already had the conversation and are expecting a proposal in the next month or 2 I would not mention it again, set a timeline – but don’t tell him that timeline – also in that time you could figure out your reasons for wanting marriage and if you would rather be with him than without him. 

I know that my SO is so stubborn even if I did issue an ultimatum to him he would walk away he’s not the type to be forced into something of its not what he wants. 

Post # 23
Member
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

lovelyd126:  You did the right thing.

The notion that women should not speak up for themselves and wait around passively and powerlessly for a proposal that may or may not come is absurd.  This is your life, you get to have a say.

You are not “forcing” him do do anything.  You told him what you need in order to continue the relationship.  You insisted that his actions match his words.  He will either propose or he won’t but either way, you will have a resolution and you won’t be wasting any more time in a relationship that’s stagnant. All fair.  

The only mistake you made, in my opinion, is telling him that you can be engaged without planning an actual wedding.  I’m not sure how that’s an engagement and I fear you’re going to be in the exact same position six months or a year from now – still waiting for him to commit to marrying you.  

Frankly, he needs to shit or get off the pot.  

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  Zhabeego.
Post # 24
Member
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

thefuturemrswindowcleaner:  I couldn’t continue on in a relationship with a man who just wanted to use me to have all the benefits of having a wife without giving me the love, commitment, and dignity of being his actual wife.  Playing house is for children.

We teach peple how to treat us.  If one doesn’t value themselves enough to insist on being treated well and with respect then you likely won’t be treated with love and respect. 

Post # 25
Member
10668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m probably in the minority but I think ultimatums are fine, but only if you are 100% prepared to follow through on them.  It’s a way of taking your power back.  I think it’s more fair to give the guy a date certain rather than just blindside him.

If you give an ultimatum just to force his hand, that is wrong.  If you do it to take care of youself & you are ready to follow through on it, then I think it’s a reasonable way to deal with the conflict.

The worst thing you can do is give him a walk date & then let it go by with no action.

Life really is short & you need to know if this man can give you what you need or whether you have to move on.  It sounds as if you’re in the right state of mind to do an ultimatum.

Post # 26
Member
2238 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

lovelyd126:  We’re a bit younger than you, but Fiance definitely felt the same way – for a lot of the same reasons. His dad treats his mom like crap (though they’re still married), and he’s seen his parents go through some really tough times over the years. As his only real example of marriage, it’s very understandable that your SO and my Fiance wouldn’t want to enter into something like that. 

It took a bit longer than I had hoped for my Fiance to be “ready,” but I am so, so glad that I just let him do his thing and take his time. When he did propose, it was because HE wanted to, and he was just so excited to do it (and is now so happy to be engaged) that it made all the “waiting” worth it.

I think you’re right to tell him what you need/want, however, I don’t know if I could have given my Fiance an ultimatum. Then again, we’re significantly younger (24 when we got engaged), so I’m not in any rush to have kids. 

Also, we spent the first few months of our engagement not planning a thing, and it was great. It gave us a lot of time to just enjoy being engaged and to think about what we really wanted in a wedding. We’re now just about a year out from our wedding and I don’t regret a thing. 

Good luck!

Post # 27
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Good for you, it doesn’t sound like you gave him an ultimatum at all, it sounds like you were unhappy with the relationship and very clear about what you needed to be happy.

 There’s nothing wrong with waiting, and there’s nothing with being clear about your needs.  Sometimes I think we’re too harsh on women who are open and honest about their needs.  

Post # 28
Member
1926 posts
Buzzing bee

bitsybee:  Yours was quite a special situation! For me, it’s just that he’s not the type to surprise me with anything- I’ve planned EVERYTHING in our relationship because he puts things off to the point that it’s ridiculous. 

It just bothers me that I’ve fulfilled everything that I promised him (move in together before engagement) and now I feel like I’m playing wife without the ring. I don’t think it’s fair that he gets everything he wants and I have to sit and wait and twiddle my thumbs until he gets around to it. I’ve literally even done everything already- we picked my ring and I not only negotiated the price with the jeweler, but sourced my center stone as well.

He has all the information to order it, but won’t. I know him too well, which is disappointing, because I also know that he’s just not going to get around to buying the ring. As soon as we get close, he pushes the date back- I wanted by my graduation and that’s in two weeks. We agreed by NYE and he pushed it back. I guarantee that once we get to NYE, he’s going to say that we’re not going to be able to be engaged by the Spring either. I’m fed up. 

Post # 29
Member
7778 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

After 4 years of dating my mother gave my father an ultimatum.  Luckily, he came to his senses and they got married.  They will celebrate their 40th anniversary on this coming June 1st.

Post # 30
Member
9135 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to push a guy into marriage before he’s ready, even though he may never be ready.  Any time you argue or go through tough times he will remember that he wasn’t truly ready.  What I would suggest is that you not move in together without an engagement and set wedding date.  Otherwise, he gets the benefits of marriage without having to be 100% committed to getting married.  Since your lease expires in August I would shut up about getting engaged and married until late June/early July when you need to figure out your lease.  If he hasn’t proposed by then I would start looking for my own place and when he asks why I would let him know that you don’t feel comfortable moving together when he isn’t sure your relationship is going to work out.  For some guys they have to actually know that you are moving on with or without them before they get that they will lose you if they don’t propose.

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