(Closed) Giving Him an Ultimatum: Pros and Cons?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

I gave an ultimatum with my ex husband…empasis on the EX. He wasn’t ready, I was, I said I would leave, he gave in and we got married and less than a year later I left and filed for divorce because we were both miserable. It took getting a divorce to realize how wrong we were for eachother and how I was SO wrong to push him in to something as big as marriage. I was ready for the next step and he wasn’t and had I not given him the ultimatum I’m sure we would have broken up soon after and I would have saved myself a lot in attorney fees.

I’ve been with my current SO for over 2 years and we are expecting a baby in November, I would not dream of giving him an ultimatum. He is 100% committed to me and our relationship and we are so happy, I wouldn’t ruin that by saying “marry me or else”

Post # 32
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

musician32992:  I’m not trying to criticize or judge or anything: but how many times will you let him push the date back and not follow through on the ring? It just hurt my heart to read your post I would be fed up too. And I would leave his ass!

to OP and in general: I think the initiative and vulnerability involved in a traditional proposal is a great litmus test for their commitment. Dont force their hand and take over. A reluctant fiancé is going to make a resentful husband. They should be thrilled and confident to be devoting their life to you. 

Post # 33
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

musician32992: My heart hurts for you — focus on you, not your relationship and NOT him. You deserve what you want out of life, so don’t hold yourself back as I’m a believer of relationships being a source of strength and support in the worst of times. He should want you for you, not because you checked off x, y, and z task. 

Not saying you should leave, but am saying for you to consider what you want out of life and if you honestly believe that staying with him will help you realize your ideal life. <3

Post # 34
Member
3741 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

 

lovelyd126:  I did it, and now we’re happily married! My Darling Husband is stubborn and does NOT like being told what to do. We dated for 3 years, lived together for 2.5 of those years before I said anything. After our 3rd anniversary I told him we needed to be moving towards marriage and a family (he knew all along that these were big priorities for me), and if he wasnt able to promise me those things, I would have to leave and find someone that could. I didnt consider it an ultimatum so much as me voicing what I needed from him in the relationship, but he definitely saw it as one. He was pissed, and basically refused to be “bullied” into a proposal. It took probably 9 months for us to actaully have a frank conversation about it, without him being angry at me for trying to force his hand. Until I told him “I cant trust you to make life decisions that take me into consideration” did he finally understand that I was just standing up for myself. He waited longer than I had originally given him, but after our conversation I agreed to give him just a little more time, with the understanding that I wouldnt bring it up for a few months so he could “get ready”, but I couldnt wait much longer (I am rapidly approaching 30 lol). He proposed 2 months later, and we were both able to enjoy the engagement & wedding planning, because it was HIS decision. He told me later that if I hadnt said what I’d said, it probably would have taken him MUCH longer to do it.

I think it’s great that you brought it up, and that you guys can talk about it. It’s important for both partners to feel like their needs are being met and that they are being heard! I’m glad you have a timeline, and I hope you get what you need from your SO to be happy and satisfied in your relationship!

Post # 35
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

In my experience, when a man wants to marry you, he will. If you’ve been with someone for a long time without a proposal and have previously communicated your desire to get married, I see that as one of two things. Either:

1. He’s not that into you. Leave and find someone who is crazy about you.

or

2. He has some personal issues that need to be figured out before the two of you can commit the rest of your lives to each other.

In your case, OP, it sounds more like #2. Forcing him to sort of push through his issues and propose isn’t the answer. If he really has severe issues with intimacy and/or commitment, he should be working through that with the help of a professional. Both of you should be happy, healthy, and feeling good about this before becoming engaged.

Post # 36
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Charlie89:  While I am pleased that your situation turned out so well, I wanted to give the opposite outcome…

After nearly 7 years together, my ex husband didn’t want to get married, didn’t ever propose to me – it was a leap year, I proposed to him.  Wouldn’t buy me an engagement ring, wouldn’t tell his parents we were engaged for a year.  I knew on my wedding day I’d made a massive mistake when he walked off with his friends and made me walk into our wedding reception on my own.

He never wanted children either, and when I got pregnant 3 years into our marriage, he demanded straight away that I have a termination.  Our marriage lasted barely 2 years after that. 

As I’ve posted on here numerous times before, I wouldn’t marry a man that I’d had to give an ultimatum to, or one that had ever said he never wanted to be married. 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  Baal.
Post # 37
Member
1926 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsBuesleBee:  

bitsybee:  

Thanks, ladies. I am trying to focus more on myself and less on the fact that he’s clearly not interested in marrying me. I think this is the case that an ultimatum is necessary. I know that I’ll likely be upset after the holidays come and there’s no ring and I think that my walk date will be once Spring 2015 has passed. That’s what he’s promised this time and I can only hold out for so long. 

Post # 38
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

Zhabeego:  maybe my approach is not for everyone, but I have 3 children with this man, who does love me and does treat me with respect. 

Yes, playing house is for children, but the bigger picture is this….. Can I imagine my life without him? No.

Post # 39
Member
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

To me it comes down to wanting the man, or wanting the marriage. My fiance proposed after 7 years together and I never could’ve given him an ultimatum. Leaving him would not have made me happy. I knew it would come when he was ready. And his proposal was a complete surprise!

Best of luck to you guys!

Post # 40
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

a proposal is supposed to be the easiest decision he’ll ever make. if he needs an ultimatum, he’s not the one.  you can be in love with lots of people, and they can love you back, but that doesn’t mean they’re ‘the one’.  

Post # 41
Member
11746 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

lovelyd126:  honestly, I see this ending badly for you. He isn’t ready and if I were you I would walk away. You told him you wouldn’t wedding plan until hes ready. So basically you’re just going to be in the same place you are now except you will have a ring. I just couldn’t have confidence that he would walk down the aisle.

Post # 42
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

He isn’t ready for marriage and doesn’t want to plan a wedding with you.. Yet is going to propose because you’ve prompted him to. I’d be very cautious if I were you were in your shoes.

Post # 43
Member
4998 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

cmbr:  +1 unfortunately. I hope you prove us wrong OP!

Post # 44
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Baal:  your right, but I think there is a big difference between a guy saying he never wants to get married and a 22 year old saying he doesn’t want to get married because he’s afraid of divorce lol

i don’t agree with ultimatums but if someone wants to get married they should let their partner know that not getting married one day is a deal breaker

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  .

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