- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
Hi Bees, I just want your take on this matter. (sorry the post is a bit long)
My husband and I have been happily married for 1 month and 2 days. We have a son who will be 3 years old in a month’s time and we are very happy to have another child anytime from now. We are not actively TTC since we are in a long distance marriage but should it happen soon we will be happy should it not, we are not under any pressure.
We are fortunate to both have good paying jobs (in my country’s terms that is) and we are both living frugally. We are more savers than spenders and we have a generous amount in each other’s savings accounts and investments. We have zero debt between us. ZEROOOO!!
We have not joined any of our accounts yet (we still have to talk on what is best and we also have to do a research on whether a joint bank account is a possibility in our country) but we are doing everything jointly and with the other’s knowledge. We are both open about our finances to one another to an extent of producing salary advices and bank statements, etc.
We come from a culture where it is a norm for a well off family member to assist a not so well off one but I have my limitations on that which is where dear hubby and I seem to differ. I only have one parent (mom) who is unemployed but is doing her things on the side to maintain herself and she refuses to be anybody’s responsibility. Hubby on the other hand has no parents since they are both deceased.
I do give my mom money once in a while. Like when I get my bonus and only when there is a real need. I never give her money every month and she never expects one. I refuse to create a dependency syndrome. Dear hubby on the other hand has been giving his older sister a monthly “salary” every month for years now and the same with his other sister’s child who is an adult himself.
When I found out about this (before we got married of course and he never hid from me, it came out when were discussing our plans to get married and we agreed that we should first be open about each other’s commitments including financial) I asked the reason for these monthly salaries and he told me that it is because his sister is staying/looking after his house (he has a fully paid house which he had a long time before I could even know him) and the nephew is getting money because he wanted to go to shool. This had already been going on before I came into the picture but I told him that I find it very strange that he will make payments to an adult nephew in the name of going to school though he never ended up getting registered for that school and the payments are still continuing. I then requested him to engage the nephew to find out what his plans are and tell him that if he doesn’t go to school like he promised the money will no longer come. My argument was based on accountability and responsibility and I made it clear to him that I fully support assistance to family members espcially if it amounts to empowerment but I cannot support the creation of dependency. I didn’t talk about the sister since I thought the reason makes sense because hubby and I were posted abroad and he needed someone he can trust to look after his property. And he has plans to sell the house.
I personally have no problem at all with hubby assisting and I like the fact that he made me aware of it but I refuse the creation of dependency or being the money machine for people who do not want to stand up for themselves and who are well capable to.
Now to cut the long story short, what I need advice on Bees is the fact that I want to propose that we set up a joint checking account (we have briefly discussed previously but never got to finalise it) which we will both put money into monthly for ALL OUR needs as a family as well as a savings account for OUR emergencies. Then we will each have “FUN MONEY” which can be used in any way we each want without reporting to the other. That FUN MONEY should cover personnal things like clothes, entertainment and any extended family contributions we each want to have. Meaning if I give my mom or any of my family member money I should do it from my FUN MONEY and the same with him.
I get a feeling that this would not make it seem as if one of us is maintaining their family from OUR money and the other is not. Hubby and I have never had any arguments based on finance and I would want to keep it that was and if possible avoid anything that might spark arguments in the future.
What are you views on this Bees and if you have been in a similar position how did you handle it? Please feel free to also suggest a totally different thing to consider.