- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
I love my FH dearly and have been waiting for him to propose for years now, I finally got the ring but realized that issues we hadn’t delt with needs to be. Long story but could use suggestions, opinions, and just plain advice.
Here it goes…. I have been married twice before and had 3 girls. He was married once before also with 3 girls. All the girls are with in a year of each other starting from 14-9. We have full custody of all 6. Mine are unable to see their dads often due to distance, his go to their moms every Friday night. We have known each other 6 years and have been living together for 3 years.
I live states away from any of my family and his family lives local, which does not bother me at all. One major issue is his mother. She is a know it all and treats my kids differently than his, which would be ok some of the time I do understand the bond between blood family and not but when she makes comments that I show favoritism to mine kids it makes me mad. If I buy for mine, I buy for his. I grew up in a blended family and never felt like we were different. She takes his kids shopping all the time and they show it off to my kids which hurts their feelings. I have asked him to say something to her, which he has done once. He said there are 6 kids in our house not 3, she said I can’t afford to buy for 6. He left it at that and I could understand but she’ll buy them like 3-4 outfits at a time. Why can’t she at least acknowledge how it might make my kids feel. Take mine every other time or something? Well after that text he sent, his girls now just say they got it from their mom instead of gma. Kids will do what they are told and things do slip so I find out and tell him but he won’t do anything.
In staying on his mother moving from my kids to how she is with me… For the past year year and half she has started hanging out with his EX. she goes to her house every weekend but won’t come over to ours. She has his EX and her Boyfriend or Best Friend do things with her, cook outs at her house with them, and talks to the EX about us. The EXes new baby even calls her gma! She doesn’t evev refer to herself as gma for my kids! She has spent this last years holidays with his EX at her house. I find that extremely disrespectful to me and my FH. I tell him it bothers me but his reply is “why should I let it bother me, doesn’t matter what I say she’ll do whatever she wants anyway” ugh! I would never let my parents make him feel like that. She has even said she might not go to our wedding if his dad (her ex) will be there, but she’ll hang out with his ex wife?!? I’ll I want is for him to is sit his mother down and actually stick up for me and my kids, if she still continues well then that is her choice, but I would at least know he stood up.
Now the kids…. I am a full time college student (almost done :)), I pretty much work full time as well, and I promised myself to be an involved mom. I have always tried to make sure my kids had everything that they needed and some they wanted. I have continued that and just included his 3 into my norm. I go to all games, look at all school work, and go to school events if possible. All I ask of the 6 kids is chores. My rule is keep my house clean and ill do my best to give you want, respect me and my things and I will respect you and yours things. I have been given a mouthful before because of my oldest mouth, but I just say “you treat her with respect and promise she will treat you the same, if you don’t I can’t help you”. I try and let all 6 be themselves, but 2 of the 6 is going to be the death of me! His oldest and youngest treat me like crap. The oldest is 14 and has learned if she yells and screams at people she will get her way, and he lets her! She does not yell at me but I think it’s because she’s has seen me pop my oldest in the mouth for it. She talks to everyone like they are stupid and belittles all of the other kids. He won’t say anything. When I have had enough and have to make him say something to her he takes her into her room alone and “talks” to her. It always turns into her crying and him crying and nothing changes. Everyone in my house walks on eggshells around her because they don’t want to make her mad, well I’m so done with that. She needs to be treated like she treats everyone else. Maybe she’ll realize they don’t like it, but when I say something to him he makes excuses for her behavior. The youngest who is 9 is following right in her foot steps! She will argue with me over EVERYTHING! I will not argue with a 9 year old! She will cry over everything, make thing bigger than they are, and make up stories to get her mom and gma to feel bad for her. He won’t do anything about it. My famous words to my 8 year old is “do I need to give you a reason to cry?” I think they need to be reminded of why they should be crying, not being able to wrap a vaccum cord is not a reason. She has been spanked once in the 3 years I lived with them and before he did he told her it was because I told her I was going to have him do it. That to me just made things worse. Back to the oldest, he will do whatever she wants and it interferes with our relationship. What she says is what goes. He has one rule with 5 kids and another with her. He is also harder on my 3 then his. He has no problem making sure I don’t forget mine are in trouble but never makes his in trouble. I’m like I got mine you should look at ours. If someone doesn’t like what’s for dinner, I make them eat some of it not all but if the oldest doesn’t want it (not, not like it just don’t want it) she’s allowed to have whatever she wants. He is all about not spending money and his middle girl wanted to drink bottled water he said no we have filtered water out of fridge. I agree. Well now he has started buying cases of bottled water because the oldest doesn’t want it out of fridge! She is the only one allowed to drink it too!
When his are at their moms they are allowed to do whatever they want and their mom, gma, and ex-aunt (yes, FBILs ex wife) will all get together and talk bad about me in front of his kids. The oldest will sit and join in. The oldest is always saying things are not fair because i might take my kids out to eat on a Friday night. It is hard to afford taking 8 out all the time plus finding time with all of us to do it. Well they eat out at their moms house every weekend so how is it not fair that mine do maybe once a month? I have tried hard to make things fair at my house but when I sit and think about it, I should be able to do more with just mine like buying them things because their dads pay CS. His EX pays nothing! She doesn’t help with clothes, school stuff, nothing! I buy all of his plus mine the things they need and want. I don’t have to but I do. We split the house bills, food, and I buy all the other stuff. Clothes, hair care, makeup, smell good, girl stuff, and was nice enough to get the older 2 iPhones for Christmas. 2 of my kids went to their dads this year for Christmas and had to fly to NY, his oldest said that wasn’t fair and I was treated them better because of it. We split the tickets saved us money of not meeting half way. Last summer his oldest got to go out of state for a school thing for 2 weeks all by herself, his mother bought her a new luggage set for it. When mine were leaving she got them each a duffle bag and had me pay her back. his oldest didnt even offer any of her luggage, nor did i ask because it would have been bad! Oh my I don’t know what to do. His oldest is always saying they have to do everything around the house and we do nothing, huh I pay for everything! So I’ve started doing all the chores minus the simple daily (dishes, counters, and sweeping). She will sit on the couch and do nothing, he will sit right next to her and say nothing but then later say why didn’t you make them do it. When she has plans and doesn’t do her chore I do it and get no thank you or nothing. When she forgets things at her moms and ask me to stop and get it, I do, says nothing. I say something to him and he always say “I don’t remember I wasn’t paying attention”.
im sure there is so much I could tell but it long enough. I’ve started telling his girls to go to him I’m done doing and being walked on he can do it now. I told him 2 months ago that I am not planing our wedding until he talks to his mom and he hasn’t even made an effort. I am at the point I’m giving him the ring back and telling him when he is ready to stand up for me, then we can revisit this. I’m also giving him the mothers ring I got last Christmas with all 6 girls on it back and telling him when we can actually be a family ill take it back.