(Closed) Giving up :(

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Question – I think you’ve mentioned he doesn’t want to let you help py for the ring, which is understandable, but would he accept (if you’re able) help with OTHER obligations and bills, (do you live together?  It’d make more sense, then) which in a way would still be you helping, but in his mind it’s not really the same thing.  I’m sorry this is taxing you so much, waiting like this.  I guess, even though I know it’s hollow sounding is it might help to remember that for most couples, while I’ll never say marraige didn’t strenghthen the relationship, their day-to-day life continues as before, with the same trials and the same joys.  While I know (believe me, I KNOW) you’d much prefer to share these experiences as his wife and to take comfort in knowing that you are sharing them as such, you are still you and he is still himself, and no ring or ceremony will 100% change that.  You can both make it through this together, just remember that you’re hoping for a forever together, not a ring, not a wedding, so those icings on the cake can wait without being horribly harmful to you.

Another question – Are you both holding out for financial stability for a somewhat pricey ring/wedding?  Would you be willing, due to the uncertainty of his job right now to get married more affordably, be it the ceremony or the ring or both that takes a “cut” if it meant you’d get married sooner?  I think if you’d want to be married now just to know you’re married instead of waiting maybe a few more years before you could be otherwise, maybe a small, simple, possibly JP/Vegas elopement might be best for your psyche, and then you could plan an fantastic renewal of vows at the 5-year mark.

I know couple who planned on a BIG, fancy-schmancy wedding only to happily discover a month after the engagement that the bride was pregnant (not the reason for the wedding) with twins.  Unfortunetly, it was determined that she was not “built” to healthily carry twins AND be on her feet at all, so she was sent to bed rest very early in the pregnancy, had to quit her job, and the wedding plans had to be scrapped in order to protect her and the babies’ lives.  The husband had to take on more hours to accomodate for her lost income and the incoming twins in addition to trying to care for their mother.  They lost some of their deposits, and had a simple ceremony (I think the bride was on the sofa in their home) at home, then the babies came at 6.5 months, and they are planning a big family party/reception once the twins are big enough for such a gathering.  It’s not what they dreamed of, but they are happy, and even with the trials of necessity, have a very happy life together.

 

Post # 5
Member
3297 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

That was such a beautiful post, Isilme.

 

 

Post # 6
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Anxiouspeanut:  Hmm – times like these I wish I could make deposits into my own SO’s bank accounts and he realize they would be great to apply towards a ring – I feel your frustration.  My SO, for the first time since the invention fo the wheel told me we might be able to be married (not just money, but his own mindset) in about 2 years.  I personally know that money is NOT our only issue, but we are both working at a place that has just annouced cut bakcs will be needed to continue operating, thanks to the recession, and while his job will probably be okay, mine is grant funded and I’m not sure where we stand after net year passes.  It’s a scary world right now.  This is all on top of some VERY surprising comments over the last few months of A) not wanting a Justice of the Peace (I’m cool with it, even though I’d take a decent but simple ceremony in any church that doesn’t set me to flame upon my entrance) B) His dream wedding/honeymoon are far beyond us, possibly forever, at the location of one of our shared favorite movies Somewhere in Time, and there’s no way we afford to transport his family up there, maybe not even ourselves, he’s not sure he even wants them there, right now – at least I have no family to worry about. 

I wish I had some wonderful mantra to help you with – I could really use it, too, today.  I’d just like you to know you’re not alone in your frustration and pain, and we DO understand where you’re coming from. 

@sherryberry:  Thanks – that was the first of the wedding/engagement storm that has swept over my area of the world this year, and there are lots of months left on 2011 – It honeslty seems like so many people are getting married around me (because they are – shrug), but I’m glad to see that this couple, the son of my co-worker, has mnaged to make things work even when the were faced with such adversity before they even had time to say their vows.  I was trying to comfort a June bride yesterday, she was worried that problems in her parents’ almost silver anniversary marraige (50 years is silver, right?) meant she was making a mistake in getting married at all, and her stress over that, over school, work AND wedding planning all made her lash out at her Fiance.  What got to me, was that SHE, in the middle of her worries, realized that I am the ONLY girl we know still waiting, with the longest relationship, and she actually asked me how I’M doing.  It was all I could do to not cry – she didn’t need that. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Anxiouspeanut: He is not one to talk about going to look at rings and a “ring fund” with me.. he is going to be very sneaky about it and he told me this but I am worried that no prgress has been made…

Same here.  It’s taken all the “nerve” I can muster to set up a small selection of 8 rings I’d like to send my SO – he’s told me shopping together isn’t how he’d want to do it, but I DO want to show him what I like, and don’t want him thinking I want/need some ring that costs $$$$.  I know our household budget is usually kinda strained – we’ve strated from scratch pretty much, and whil his parents have helped when they can, they are far from weathly, and my parents are out of the pciture, so I’m “dowery-less” – all my monetary worth is what I’ve tried to build myself, and the smallest thing blows it away. 

We share a car, and I’m the “driver” so there’s little to no chance for him to sneak off to the nearest town with jewelry stores to shop without my knowledge, which is wht his little brother managed to do this fall for his Fiance (and he spent a LOT – I don’t want my Boyfriend or Best Friend to go to the same store and spend that much).  I’ve found some really nice, pretty inexpensive by Wedding Bee standards rings (many are under 500.00) online from people with good reviews, and want a nice, non-nagging way to show him without pushing things farther away.  I was going to email it last Friday, but got cold feet AND the link didn’t work unless I wanted to let everyone else in the darn world see my silly little list, too – it was to be a stressful weekend and I didn’ want that over our heads, too, making him feel I’m pushing. 

I know this sounds corny, but he’s making you wait because he loves you so much he wants to get you a ring he feels is worthy of you. 

Post # 10
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Anxiouspeanut: I’m making a Word Doc with pics and links to rings I like, and to bands I think HE might like.  I just had it finsished, like 5 mins ago, but my computer didn’t save it.  Guess that’s something telling me to get back to work, but to heck with it, this is so much on my mind I’m gonna get it finished, saved, and ready to send…. Friday, so we’ll have a few days of spam to buffer me from it.  ๐Ÿ˜›

I worry it WILL hurt, because it could look like I’m pushing, when really all I want is for him to ahve an idea for any long-term goal he might feel like pursuing, like, idk, purchasing a ring since we now have upgraded almost everything we’ve needed to fix from our hold overs from college broken furniture?  He’s very much the push me I go backwards kinda guy… but seriously, I’d like to have a bit more time of my life left married to him than “just dating” him. I’d like him to see instead of saving up 1-2K (forever), he could save for just a few months, and then be ready for what ever surprise might fancy him.

Sorry – mentioned on another post PMS is making my normally sunshiny disposition partly cloudy.

Post # 12
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

hang in there, i think we have all been in a place where we felt that getting engaged or the possibility of a ring was hopeless. finances were also the big issue on my end, and for a while (over 7 months) it looked like my SO would never find a job, and then when he did all of his income went towards his living expenses (over 1 year until i could find a job down here to help pay for rent/expenses)…so there goes any kind of savings.

my bf now is only using his side free-lancing projects to fund my ring…so imagine my frustration there! the amount varies from week to week, month to month…so if he was taking about $200 out of each regular work paycheck as well to put aside it would be much faster but noooo, he’s not having any of that! so, i wait! just hang in there, things will work out for themselves!

Post # 13
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@kittybean:  You should network for him and get him more freelance gigs, but don’t tell him you’re doing it.  ๐Ÿ˜› 

Post # 15
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Wow… good luck to your SO with the interview! Hope that it all works out and you get a proposal soon! Try to be positive and hang in there… Focus on the good things, like having an amazing guy who loves you and does want to marry you. Enjoy every day with him, ring or no ring :). If you let the waiting part depress you too much it will probably not have good effects on your relationship or your excitement levels when it finally does happen. Easier said than done I know! I’ll be so excited for you when you get your proposal, you really are in a frustrating position.

Post # 16
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Isilme: he’s a partner in this one business and he gets 1/3 of the profits. only problem is that the other guys are slow as hell in paying him (and don’t pay attention to what they owe him either so at the moment they owe him over $2k). he says they are launching something that should bring in more $$ quickly but i have been hearing of this idea for weeks now and for the past 2 weekends it was supposed to be launched then but has it? no. but he’s already factored in what they owe him into the current account he has put aside. he wants to get up to a certain $$ amount before he gets the ring, and he WAS a 1/4 way there, and then today he just told me that he owes almost $500 of that money in taxes. so there goes a quarter of the quarter he saved ๐Ÿ™ i got frustrated over it and he got mad, so that’s just great. he doesn’t seem to understand how frustrated i am at this point. he tells me these things, like being 1/4 of the way there, and then he tells me what he owes in taxes for that business which i know was coming out of the ring fund. and how did he think i’d react? men never think before they speak.

 

sorry to hijack the thread. i just had my own setback today ๐Ÿ™

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