(Closed) “God’s will”

posted 9 years ago in Christian
Post # 1
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Hey all, just looking for some support/advice.

My family, all strong Christians, have not been enthusiastic about my Fiance since the start of our relationship. He was a pretty big partier in college and wasn’t attending church when we first started dating.

He most definitely is a Christian — trust me, I’m not the type to missionary date — he just had turned his back on that part of his life for awhile. He started caring for me partly because he respected me for being so devoted in that area.

Most of my fam has warmed up a bit to him since our engagement, but I got a call a few weeks ago from my cousin asking me if I was sure it was God’s will to marry my Fiance. I told him seriously that while I obviously wouldn’t be taking these steps if I didn’t think so, I wanted to take a few days to think and pray about it since he felt so strongly that he should ask me.

I haven’t had time to call him back, but I heard from my sister today that my cousin is seriously considering not coming to the wedding because I haven’t called him back! I texted him to ask when would be a good time to talk and haven’t gotten a response yet.

My Fiance may not be my family’s "ideal" Christian boy, but he is a good man, loves God and loves me with all his heart. I understand their concerns, but in my mind, we’re taking all the right steps.

We have found our own church, joined Bible study and have started making Christian friends. We’re going to pre-marital counseling with our pastor and have agreed together to stop "fooling around" until after the wedding.

My cousin doesn’t really know my Fiance, has barely spent any time with him. I can’t help but feel a little indignant that he would try to make that kind of judgement not having spent time with us as a couple.

I guess I’m hoping for some advice on what to say to him. Any ideas?

P.S. I want to add that I don’t believe that there is just 1 "right person" for me to marry. I think that a mature, well-rounded adult is capable of having a happy marriage with many different people. Marriage is a choice and a committment.

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Post # 3
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Tell him what you are thinking, but honestly, I don’t think you should have to justify your relationship to a COUSIN. He’s not your parents. And even then, you shouldn’t have to justify yourself to anyone. YOU are happy. YOU know your FI’s beliefs and if that’s good enough for you, that’s just going to have to be enough for everyone. If they’re going to be stick in the muds about it and not be supportive, well, fine, you don’t want them at your wedding anyways, right?

You are happy and you love your Fiance. Isn’t that enough? It definitely should be. And, you are WILLING to make it work. I think it’s wonderful that you and your Fiance are finding your niche in churches and stuff. Just tell your cousin, "well, you don’t really know my Fiance, so I don’t think it’s your place to judge him or our relationship". I am never a fan of delving private information about a personal relationship to family anyways. What you and your Fiance do is your business, and it doesn’t need to be spread amongst all the family *how* Christian he is and how you two are doing *this* and *that* to prove that he is Christian. If that isn’t enough, you could throw a Biblical term or passage his way about being judgemental or accepting. Honestly, though, I think telling your cousin to politely buzz off should be sufficient. Are you close with your cousin? I would expect this from a sibling or parent. Sorry he’s being such a pooper about your engagement! The last thing anybody wants is a Debbie Downer about their FI!

Isn’t it most important that he is Christian, even if he isn’t a specific denomination?!?!?! That’s what I always thought. Base core beliefs. You can’t go wrong there.

Congrats on your engagement! I hope this all works out well and your family continues to warm up to him. I’m sure it will be the case. Nobody likes to be rushed in their religious quest (myself one of these people), so hopefully your Fiance doesn’t feel unecessary pressure to conform to your more conservative and longer-termed Christian family. Your family should make him feel comfortable and welcomed.

Post # 4
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am not religious myself, so I don’t feel in a place to give you advice other than to say that ejs4y8’s advice seems spot on to me (sorry, I am having weird formatting issues!). Actually, NM, I will say that ultimately, no matter what we believe, we are all accountable for our decisions. Let your cousin know that you have thought on this deeply, and that you can only reach the answer that comes from inside: yes.

Also, I’m with you on the last part. In fact, consider Joseph and Mary’s marriage: they didn’t choose eachother, but built an amazingly strong relationship on their shared beliefs, values, and respect for eachother. I do think if you have those three things, almost anyone can make it.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009 - Red Fish Grill

Whenever I feel anxious about anything (especially when it comes to addressing tensions with others) I pray.  That’s literally the best advice that I can offer.  Ask the Lord to fill you with His peace and to provide you with just the words that your cousin needs to hear.  He may be expecting a defensive response from you.  Surprise him with kindness and gentleness.  Remember that none of what is going on right now is a surprise to God… and He knows exactly how this will all play out.

You and your fiance are doing things to build a foundation for your marriage.  Those are great first steps.  Continue with it and your family will have no choice but to see how your commitment to God and to each other changes your relationship, as you both grow stronger in your faith.

If you feel like it’s a good idea (and trust that your cousin won’t use it as an opportunity to corner your fiance), perhaps you can invite him to spend some time with you as a couple or in a group setting.  That way he can get to know your fiance and see for himself the good qualities that you’ve been trying to describe.

I’ll pray for the best in your situation!

 

Post # 6
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Thanks for the advice, all! I talked to my cousin and basically reiterated what I’d said before. I wouldn’t be marrying my Fiance if I didn’t think it was God’s will!  He was totally cool and told me he just wanted to hear me say it. Looks like I was stressing over nothing.

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