Post # 1
Ok, so I have read a ton of opinions about asking for money in lieu of gifts, and whether it’s considered tacky, or more common these days. In the wedding world, I do understand that the majority think that it’s bad etiquette, so I’m not really asking for that, but I think I’m in a unique situation, that may call for different measures. What would you do?
My FI and I are currently living in South Korea, but I’m from the States, and he’s from New Zealand. Our wedding will be in Florida, then after we will finish our employment contracts in Korea, and move to New Zealand within a month. Herein lies the problem…if people do buy gifts, we have the task of shipping our items from the States to NZ, which can be costly, lost, broken, and the voltages with electrical items are different (I know we can use adapters, but sometimes it’s not compatible).
Originally we weren’t going to make a registry, but (as a lot of sites suggest), pass the word along that cash may be more logical. Then we decided that it may be nice for people to have an option, so to register online for sites in NZ, and have them shipped to his family. I like the idea of combining the two…create a NZ registry, but also give people the option of still giving a cash gift, but how do we make that public knowledge?
Post # 3
Actually, leaving registry cards in invitations is suppose to be an etiquette no-no all together here in the US! weddings are not a gift party; it is a party to invite guests to celebrate with you. Bridal Showers however are a gift party :). But we know everyone wants to give the bride and groom a gift, so they do so anyway. Registries help people choose a gift that is needed, and most registries are usually used for bridal showers. IMO people dont give usually bring a wedding present but give money instead just because its damn easier to carry a card when you are dressed up versus a package ;p. so with that thought in mind, you really dont even have to cross the etiquette line by asking for money – its easier on us guests to bring that card LOL
but if you still want to make things a little clearer for your guests without insulting old great aunts, you can do what our daughter and hubby did –
start a wedding webpage site – most are free, and self explanatory to set up. insert in your invitations a card with the website’s address on it, directing them to go to the website to find out more information (directions, hotels in the area, how you two met, photos of you two etc.) On that website you can also include a page of registries, and to this you could add a registry especially made for cash ( such as a honeymoon fund etc. ) at the bottom you can insert a personal paragraph on how it could be difficult due to your location to receive a registry gift, so if they (the guest) so desire they can gift a monetary donation instead. Gives them options, its not right in their face (GIVE US MONEY!!! NOW!!!lol) because its on a link on your website, and its not you forcing your guests to cough up the goods lol … happy wedding and good luck!
Post # 4
@AmyLew11: It really depends on how clued into etiquette your guests are. Back in the day you would have to ring the Bride’s parents in order to RSVP, it was during that phone call that you would ask “where are they registered?” and the mother/father could politely inform the guest as to where they were registered and/or mention that cash was more practical.
Somehow though, this simple way of doing things seems to have been lost of late.
Talk to some key people, your parents, your best friends etc and ask them to politely bring up the registry + cash topic when out with other people who are invited.
Post # 5
Thank you for your suggestions! 🙂 I never said or mentioned anything about including a registry card in our invites. I do realize that a couple are technically not to expect gifts, but it’s more a tradition. So, we did create a website, and put the link on our invites that were sent out a few weeks ago. We just haven’t updated the registry section, and wanted advice on how to do so.
Thank you again!
Post # 6
While mentioning registries and such in the invites are a no-no, I would deff put the information on your website and explain the reasoning.
Post # 7
Thank you! We put our website link on our invites, and like I said, it shows nothing of a registry, because we are figuring out how to word things. So I think it’s safe to say we didn’t break that taboo etiquette 🙂
Post # 8
I personally hate honeyfunds because the fund site takes a percentage of the money given. So if I gave you $50, you really get $48. I’d rather give you the cash. I would ask some key people to casually mention it to other guests about the logistics. And really, your situation is one of the few where asking for cash wouldn’t bother me. I can understand the reasoning behind it. The couple who want me to give money to pay for their wedding? They’re getting the 5ft chicken or some equally hideous and awkward gift.
Post # 9
@AmyLew11: You don’t make it public knowledge. It is rude and presumptuous to communicate an expectation of gifts and/or attempt to direct your guests spending.
If they want suggestions, they will ask you or someone close to you.
Post # 11
@AmyLew11: hey, i was in a similar situation and but i wanted absolutely no gifts. i put something on the website but i found word of mouth to be the best tool. everyone kept asking me or my future in laws where we were registered, and they just launched into their prepared remarks. (we are moving, will be too hard to ship stuff/store things in the meantime so we are not registering) My family is so blunt, they would just say “so checks, then?”
sorry you are getting blasted by some peope who are not reading your posts thoroughly enough– that did not happen to me when i posted almost the same question! everyone agrees it’s ok to put gift info on the website so you’re fine.
Post # 12
I don’t have a problem with putting it on a website. Honestly, I’d rather be able to find it on my own instead of asking someone else. Because what’s to say that the person I asked knows? Personal experience, had that happen to me once. I asked someone what they thought Sue would want for Christmas. They said she’d love such and so book. Turns out, Sue hates to read. So put it on your website if you want (or I’d prefer it go in the invitations, but I know that’s a no-no). But some people aren’t as savvy about computers as others. I work with a bunch of people who would never think to look online, and if they did would have no idea where to start. It’s scary just how computer illiterate a lot of people still are. So mentioning it to individuals is a way that Aunt Edna who doesn’t own a computer would be able to know what you really want.
Post # 13
Definitely put a disclaimer/information on your registry page about voltage issues and other relevant considerations. I’d hate to buy a present for a couple they couldn’t even use! Hopefully the no-registry thing will encourage most people to give cash, but don’t be surprised if you end up with a crock-pot or toaster in the mix too.
Technically, true etiquette for destination-weddings (considered destination for you) is that wedding gifts should be shipped to the couple’s home instead of taken to the reception. I know of very few people who actually do this, but it is considered more acceptable and less of a burden on the couple!
Post # 14
Thank you again for all of your thoughtful suggestions and kind words.
@fingerscrossed: I agree with you, and thanks for understanding that some people are just not reading what I wrote. I never said I wanted a Honeyfund, and I appreciate that I’m not alone.
@Zhabeego: While I understand that it’s considered a bit rude to “expect gifts”, I am also realistic in thinking that we are going to get them anyways. It’s become tradition at weddings to offer/bring something for bride and groom, and to be honest, I would never consider going to a wedding without something in hand, or having sent something. My “attempt to direct my guests spending” is exactly what a registry is designed for, and I don’t think that’s rude, as I’m sure the majority of bees out there would agree. My issue was how to combine the use of a registry and having the prospect of cash gifts passed along. I do appreciate opinions, but your comment left me believing that by me making a registry/having family and friends spread the word for cash gifts, is wrong.
Post # 15
@AmyLew11: Hey! Welcome to the Korea Expat crew, we flew to the US for our wedding too – we put the news out by word of mouth that we didn’t want any gifts, due to shipping/transit issues, and since everyone knows we live in Korea, they understood completely. For anyone out of the loop, we put a little message on the registry page of our websites saying that we are not registered anywhere as we are unable to ship/transfer gifts overseas.
We got maybe 3 very small gifts (totally packable) and the rest were checks. It worked out perfectly. I think it’s stupid that people find it rude to be straightforward, but in our case, our guests all talk among themselves frequently (via email, phone etc.) and are mostly computer savvy and aware of what we were up to (being in Korea) so we didn’t have to work too hard.
If your family knows your situation, chances are it won’t take much to convince them that money is the way to go.
Post # 16
@AmyLew11: A registry is there for people who ASK for suggestions. It is not supposed to be advertised as that’s rude and presumptuous. Spreading the word that you want cash is also very rude and presumptuous. If people want suggestions for what to get you, they will ask. It’s not your place to demand cash or shove your shopping list into their hands.
I had a registry and never mentioned it unless someone asked me directly. I still got most of the items listed on it because even the people who didn’t ask were smart enough to look for and find it on their own.
what people choose to gift you is actually none of your business. It’s theirs. It only becomes your business after iits given you. It’s not up to you to select your own gift.