(Closed) Going anonymous. Sister's engagement (LONG!)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Young, have known each other only a few months, history of bad decisions…yikes. The odds are stacked against your sister majorly. Talk to her before she makes a terrible mistake.

Edit: I have this theory that dogs and kids are a really good judge of character (especially dogs). They have a sixth sense or something. I’d check this guy out, make sure he’s not some weird freak and his parents are paying for a plane ticket to get rid of him.

Post # 4
Member
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

That does sound pretty sketchy to me. One of my best friends in highschool did something kinda similar. Her parents were super overprotective and both she and her sister started online relationships. She ‘dated’ a guy in England (from Wisconsin) for a couple of years and then randomly broke up with him. They never met in person. Shortly thereafter he was replaced with this loser from Texas. Him I met when we were 17. He came up to Wisconsin to visit. He also had the ick factor and was very socially awkward with us. Fast forward to now (4 years later) and they are engaged, I’m still disapointed in her choosing him because now she works at a Best Buy instead of travelling the world and training to become an ambassador like she planned. She graduated from college with her degree, but I don’t see her following her dreams anymore because she has chained herself to this guy.

I would definitely have a heart to heart with your sister and raise your concerns. Perhaps you can convince her to try a long engagement.

Post # 7
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

So part of my realllly wants to defend her but I feel like I need to tell you my story, and maybe that will help. Since I was 17 I have been meeting boys from other states from World of Warcraft (no, I do not play anymore b/c it seriously sucks your life away, ugh) and I dated a group of really great guys off the internet and a group of really well.. not so great guys. I think the problem is the stereo-type. My family LOVED one of my ex-bfs but just could not get over the fact that I had met him online, they couldnt really love him the way they could a boy from the same state we lived in. As a background, my mother passed away when I was young and my dad was the over-protective father who pretty much never let me do anything (no cooking, no cleaning, nothing.. he remarried and pretty much had her doing it all, since she didnt work) so lets say I had been naive. While I totally agree with dating off the internet (afterall, one of those boys I met on World of Warcraft I have been dating for the last two years and will be marrying him in 2014) but I think more imporantly she needs to find out who she is FIRST. I think daing kind of leads you to that place, where you realize “I dont want to put up with _____” and “I love a guy who____” or “I really enjoy doing _____”. 

 

What I am trying to say is, dont judge her for what shes doing with her life and the choices shes making. Just because you wouldnt make those choices, doesnt mean they’re “ick” or wrong. HOWEVER, I do agree that she should live some sort of independnt self-sustaining life for at least a little while. I think it really helps build character. For what it’s worth, just because they’re engaged (and living that far away) doesn’t mean anythings going to happen next week. Dont forget one of them has to move to live near the other, this is the hardest step and one a lot of people wont take. I know because I had to do it, but thankfully I have an amazing supportive fiance.

Post # 8
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

This is a terrible idea, but at that age everyone thinks what they’re doing is right so I don’t think you’ll be able to do anything to stop her.  Just be there for her when it ends.

Sorry, that sounds super pessimistic…

Post # 10
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@worriedaboutsister:  Ahh okay! Well that is very different then, I think maybe because I have been in a similar situation I read it as your being judgemental since just about everyone I knew acted that way everytime I brought up dating a guy I met online. I definitely agree that she needs to find herself first, and make those mistakes. Inbetween the initial internet relationships I had and the one I am in with my fiance, I lived on my own for a year, had a job, took care of myself, paid my bills, etc. I learned that working $10/hr doesnt cut it being by yourself and had to work 12+hrs a day. I made AMAZING friends, who were always there and willing to comfort me and I found out SO much about myself and what I could endure. I think thats what you’re hoping for for her and hopefully some point soon she will have those experiences.  Good luck with everything

Post # 11
Hostess
2635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@worriedaboutsister:  Maybe the best thing to do is to go “under cover”. You have to “support” her. Maybe even convince your sister that you would like to get to know him more. 

Even, dare I say it, invite him over (maybe not to sleep in the guest room…you may have that weird feeling for a reason). Talk to him, let him get comfortable, and then try to figure out what makes you so uncomfortable around him. I would suggest having your husband there too. The more natural it feels the more he will show his true colours. 

ALSO, before I started dating, my aunt told me that I should get my SO really mad at me (of course without being completely disrespectful…she meant start a very heated argument) and see how he reacts DURING the argument.

 

I tried this (I didn’t even do it on purpose) and I came to find out that my Fiance, although I could tell he gets frustrated with me at times, is very fair and still non abusive (physicly, verbally, or mentally…any type of way) at all… 

 

I thing the posint of this is you don’t know someones character till they are under pressure. So maybe you should do something to push his buttons (of course with your husband around) see how he reacts… check out his true character!

 

Post # 12
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You can try to talk to her but select your words very carefully.  If she decides to go through with this marriage despite your best advise it’s important that she feels that she can still confide in you if/when things get difficult with this guy. 

If she has no basic life skills it’s a problem, regardless if she stays with this guy or finds mister Ick #2.   All that comes to mind is tell her your concerns and try to convince her at least not to have kids right away with this guy…  Some learning comes from the school of hard knocks, invariably, but you can’t undo childern…

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