(Closed) Going for a third baby with a large gap

posted 4 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
Member
1996 posts
Buzzing bee

The only thing I would say is that a lot of your pro’s seem like they’re pros for you, and not really the baby or your family (ie, you get to have a baby to go to the store with, or you get to buy baby clothes again). The cons seem a little more important- financial stability and your health. 

I think you have to really negate some of the pros that you listed and look a little more seriously at the cons. Would it affect your health to the point of not being able to be a mom to your current kids? Would the cost of taking time off work and the new baby (assuming you don’t have a crib, stroller, baby clothes, etc any more) hurt your family’s financial stability?

I don’t think your ages are really a factor. People have kids at 16 and others start families in their 30’s and 40’s. It’s kind of a non-factor, in my opinion.

Post # 17
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Edson Keith Mansion

I am eight years younger than my older sister, and six years older than my younger sister. My parents were almost fifty when I graduated high school, so mid-fifties when my little sister graduated. I don’t think that’s too old! If anything, I feel like my parents are speeding up. Now that they’re empty nesters and they’re established enough in their respective careers, they’re literally taking last minute vacations and running half marathons together. Fifties and sixties are hardly end of life years.

Post # 18
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

My older brother and I were almost 10 and 8 when my younger brother was born. Having a third child with an age gap definitely comes with a bunch of challenges. My mom maintains that the hardest thing about it (other than the financials, which were pretty devastating) was simply trying to cover all her bases with children at such different ages.

It might be fun to be able to buy baby clothes, but it’s not fun when you have one kid complaining that they need to go to Michael’s Arts and Crafts for a project while you’re trying to get another to soccer practice while you have a baby napping that you don’t want to wake up but can’t leave alone. You’re going to be spread pretty thin when you’re trying to get one kid to SAT prep quickly so your other child isn’t waiting too long after middle school lets out all the while your four year is throwing a tantrum in the back seat. It was really, really tough for my mom, especially because my father worked long hours. It was also hard for her to get back to work (she actually still hasn’t and my brother is 14 – she was finally ready to get back when my brother was about 8 and he was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and now it’s been so long that she’s too scared). 

With all that being said, my little brother is my best friend. His presence is one of the most rewarding and joyous parts of my life. Never for one moment has he been regretted. He brings so much happiness everywhere he goes.

Also, it’s definitely not old to be in your 50s when your kid is graduating from high school. Most parents are in their late 40s/early 50s when that happens.

Post # 19
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think you should decide based on finances but if you can swing it,  go for it!  I also wanted to pipe in and say you are definitely not too old.  My mom was 39 and my dad 48 when they had me.  My sister is 7 years older.  Having “older” parents is a non issue.  They  were at every graduation, my wedding, and are involved with all the grandchildren.  Meanwhile I have several close friends who had way younger parents that died in their 40s or 50s of heart attack, cancer etc.  And the age gap with my sis is no big deal and was kinda nice in many ways.  She was my built in babysitter when I was little.  She drove me to buy pads when I got my first period.  And as adults it’s nothing.  Her kids are now 4 and 2, and I have a newborn, so our kids will grow up with cousins close in age.

Post # 20
Member
8947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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anonforthisbee :  I wouldn’t do it. You haven’t been through the teen years yet. You say “when the older kids are too cool for me” but from my experience, that’s when my kids needed me the most. And because they ARE too cool, but still need you, that makes it really hard. Tweens might love an adorable baby to play with, but teenagers are likely to have mixed feelings if they’re going through a difficult time and your attention is focused on a toddler. Plus all of your Pros depend on having an ideal baby. What if this baby doesn’t look like your husband? What if it’s independent and doesn’t like going everywhere with you? I know there are all kinds of families with all kinds of spacing, and it’s always a roll of the dice regarding what the child will be like, but you’re making a conscious decision here and asked for opinions. Mine is, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. I don’t put a lot of stock in the magic of “having a baby together” or “his own child.” If that’s what you want, of course go for it, but I’d weigh the existing kids very heavily into the formula.

Post # 21
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee

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sunflowersandlove :  My dad was 53 when I was born and is still active, mobile, and has seen at least ne grandbaby born (my brothers) and we are going to start TTC next year, so very likely he will also see me have babies. My neice is 6, going on 7, so he obviously has gotten to spend several good years with her. It’s not cruel or selfish, sorry if you felt that way. My dad was obviously older than most, but he still came to all my sporting events, went on field trips with us, played outside with us. 

Post # 22
Member
3003 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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sunflowersandlove :  I dont think the OP is even 31, as she said she will be nearly 50 when her hypothetical child is 18. I had my first at 32, and my mom had me at 32, she’s a large part of my son’s life- she’s not that old, jeez! It’s seriously not a big deal.

Post # 23
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

after reading through your pros and cons list twice, I think the pros are focusing too much on a BABY in the immediate future and not enough about when that baby is grown and your 2 other kids are teenagers. Sounds more like you have a case of baby fever!!!

Post # 24
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m 42 and TTC and have no thought about being too old. Go for it if you are really driven for a third.

Post # 25
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I’m the youngest in my family – my brothers are 6 and 7 years older than me, respectively, and my half-sister is *quick math* 13 years older than me.  It worked out well enough.  My mother was in her late 20s and my father in his late 30s when I was born, and it never had any negative impact in my life.  Your own health is the question, and if you feel you are able to handle a toddler, more power to you.  

You’re still having your youngest child at a younger age than I’ll have had my first!  Or my half sister, who had her first child in her mid-40s.  Or my aunt, who had her first kid at 35.

Just – on behalf of youngest children with a gap who are happy with their lives, let me just say, it is very possible to have your youngest child after a gap who turn out happy with their lives, with solid relationships with their families.  No guarantees, but it can happen! 🙂

 

Post # 26
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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eeniebeans :  how is the dynamic between your two? Fiance and I want to have one fairly soon after the wedding but I have a daughter who will be 7 and I really worry about that adjustment from being the one and only for so long…

Post # 27
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I stopped reading at 

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missbee16 :  ‘s response, because I feel that she really nailed it as far as the bond siblings have over large age gaps and I wanted to expand on that.

I am the oldest of three girls: one sister is 3 years younger than me, one is 8 years younger. Having kids in different life stages, I now realize, must have been tough on my parents – but here we all are in adulthood, so I guess it worked!

The age difference means I have a totally different bond with my two sisters: my middle sister and I are best friends, and we hang out with a lot of the same friends. In fact, she’s currently dating a guy that has been good friends with my fiance and I for years (small town problems), so our life is one big double date and I love it. 

With my youngest sister, it’s been different. While my middle sister and I always fought when we were younger, I have always, ALWAYS felt protective over the baby. I never had the urge to fight with her. But on the flipside, she was the baby in my eyes. We didn’t/couldn’t really hang out much because what is a 18 year old going to do for fun with a 10 year old? There was always (and sometimes still is) a pang of guilt when she’s left out.

BUT, now that she’s 19, that’s started to change a lot. Whereas I’d normally just text my middle sister throughout the day, we’re all in a group text. As we’ve aged, we’ve all become closer and the age gaps mean less and less.

I also want to add – my parents were 32 when they had me and 40 when they had my baby sister. Yes, they’re “old,” but I firmly believe that we help keep them young. I wouldn’t worry at all about that. You’re only as old as you feel.

Post # 28
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I don’t have much experience with this first hand, but my mom had my sister at age 33 and she was by no means an “old mom” when my sister graduated high school. All the other moms were around her age. I don’t think that should be looked at as a negative!

Also – Fiance was born 8 years after his older sister, and he had a great family dynamic with the age gap so I don’t think that’s an issue either 🙂

Post # 29
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

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anonforthisbee :  I think you should see if any preschools or womens shelters in your area need volunteers for childcare to get your fix for now.

Your ‘pro’ list is sweet but a lot of it isn’t guaranteed in any way. Your other children might not be immediately grateful about the changes a baby brings, especially if financial hardship and your poor health are part of the package. You might have a child with disabilities that don’t align with your vision of babyhood/childhood bliss. I think you should look closely at your finances and how emotionally prepared you are for worst case scenarios–both with your current children and a third in the future.

Post # 30
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

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anonforthisbee :  your pros for a baby seem a bit strange. This baby will grow up too, you know. Will you need another one after that so you can always have a little one around the house? And another? And another?

From the reasons for having it you listed I just don’t see how you will be satisfied with only having one more. Maybe you need to think of your children as people rather than focusing on the “baby-ness”. 

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